Experiment #1 Not bad, but not feeling so hot now

Okay so it went well…

I kissed him, I said nice things to him, I smiled.

I did feel fake but then it somehow became natural.

He did not enjoy the comments of “You are a good Dad”, “Is there anything I can do for you”, just common pleasantries exchanged between a normal faithful couple which we are not, at first.

Then we went to dinner.  I was being pleasant and kind even during our talk about his betrayal. The Betrayal talk did not last long. I took time to kiss him as we entered the vehicle and thanked him for dinner. My burger tasted amazing! Maybe because I wasn’t staring across at someone who disgusted me. Folks I tried and it seemed to work.

He went to a meeting and took the baby while all the other blessings went to our church’s Vacation Bible School.

It’s the first year in a LONG time I did not volunteer.

Everyone came home we put the kiddos to bed well half of them anyway.

He worked on homework, we both still are being pleasant.

I started putting away laundry the laundry on our bed that was his. I left them there to spite him today. I am choosing to love so as I’m almost done putting away clothes the baby starts to play peek-a-boo with a shirt. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen her do that.

So I call him in.. We laugh at this beautiful chubby baby.. we smile.. we encourage her

Then it hits me like a brick..

He chose her over these types of moments..

I hope he’s happy I let him stay to catch these moments..

I’m such a fool why is this betrayer here!!

Ugh.. he makes me sick..

Why didn’t he just leave me alone!!

He chose her over our family!!

Ugh.. he makes me sick..

And there you have it all my work undone in about 10 seconds..

I wish I could say this isn’t my life.. but it is

One giant roller coaster and I blame him..

I decided to try and use my technique of going to him during this moment in the kitchen, gently kiss him and tell him he is a good musician. He tells me I’m a good mother as I hold our baby..

I felt numb.. the hate is still there.. I knew it would be, but just didn’t expect it so soon when I thought I was in a decent place. Especially since I thought the experiment was working! (P.S. I didn’t think it was magic but I didn’t carry the why’s in my head or the arguments in my head about the lies and deceit while experiment #1 was on my mind)

I was looking forward to sleeping with him tonight (it’s the only thing that I can control and makes me feel good for a little while).. not anymore, not right now..

I prayed to be in a better place.. maybe when the baby goes to sleep and after a shower.

The shower is the best place I can talk to God and not cry in front of the kids.. They worry when I cry, because it seems as if I cry forever now sometimes. I never used to be a cryer..

I would love to say experiment #1 was a success and I would be ready for #2 but I think I will re-evaluate that in the morning..

 

 

 

 

 

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