Yes, I do need to start focusing on why I started this blog not to hate him.. but before we get back to that
I must share this awesome article about the loyal spouse
The affaircare.com website I feel is lacking in function and content, but this article was worth the under construction content links.
Now, back to the project.
One of the guidelines in our separation is to date once a week and meet with a healthy couple (by healthy I don’t think they mean physically fit, I’m guessing the word healthy here means a faithful couple who took their marriage vows seriously) once a week as well.
So my date night is this coming Monday and I am dreading it already.
I saw him today as a neutral party talked over our guidelines for separation. The sight of him makes me numb. I see him and I think of pain, anguish, and suffering. I tried to avoid eye contact as much as possible.
The only thing I can even begin to describe the feeling is me watching infomercials about helping starving children. The sad faces of the children and their deplorable living conditions and I feel compassion, I want to help the children, I have empathy for the children, I want to hold and talk with those children. My heart wants to pour out to them.
It is the exact opposite with my husband and that is how I feel towards him.
So I think just being with him alone I will be able to stomach but with other couples we know and love during this time? Oh goodness do I have to spread my grief of how I wanted a longer trial separation with others I love? Other couples who love each other and are faithful to each other? The way I feel about my marriage I would only be bringing these loving, brilliant, we’ll use healthy couples down with my misery and sin.
But I will do my best not to be the Duchess of Death during these times.
And I will focus on not seeing the father of my children as a man with no heart, but a child of God (yup feeling nauseous about now) because I know what I should do and how I feel are conflicting all the time.
It just isn’t easy.. and I want to say my husband is not worth the time and work I have to go through because of his crap, not mine! I didn’t break my vows! I didn’t cheat with anyone, but I could have numerous times!
But I will put in the work for the sake of my own sanity, for my own healing, for my own well being. I will try and make the best of these dates and maybe I will keep a picture of him with “Child of God” written on it in my pocket to remind me who he is, rather than what he has done to me.
And focus on who I am, and how this hate is most possibly from years of abuse and hurt throughout my life, this affair was just the cutting point of the dangling thread.
Well here’s to therapy tomorrow morning and hope it’s better than last time. I left the office in a rage my first visit re-telling the story again.
Also to the last part of the title, I don’t think his affair is over.
Why you ask? I don’t know because he lied last time with tears and what I thought was remorse. Because there is no way I can keep track of him on the internet (Yes, he did give me all his passwords, etc. but he always forgets things too like that he had an Instagram or what he did with his mistress, or how he felt).
How sneaky he is and will do anything to keep me with him, even if that’s hiding the truth from me. Who thinks protecting people from the truth is a good idea? Adulterers apparently do and they do it well and often.