Celebrate Recovery, therapy, denial, and the project

Ever heard of Celebrate Recovery?

It’s a great program my church participants in for people who want to let go of their hurts, hang-ups, and habits and give them to Christ.

I am recovering from sugar and pornography. Oh wait and surviving adultery

Before you judge and say oh well that’s why her husband could cheat on her, let’s not make excuses for poor judgement.

Anyways Celebrate Recovery was my own place. I never invited my husband (yes I knew he had problems) but I knew he wouldn’t come. He doesn’t like  things that I find valuable for example: serving others, valuing others feelings, being honest to others, and being honest about sin.

But when we were living together and I thought I should share with him a place that has been so safe for years for me, to try and make new memories with him. I did not know that good intention could go terribly wrong, at that time I was not looking towards the future.

He showed up to group last night. I tried not to make eye contact. We did not talk there and unfortunately the children were going to worship with the adults. This has never happened before! So our son sat between us. During worship our son put both of our hands together so we were holding hands. I thought our son might try this and I wasn’t sure. Then when I was touching my husband’s had I wanted to puke. The man literally makes me ill. I did not pull away until the end of the song and saved face for our son.

But in some twisted way I  wanted him to look at me. I wanted him to  want me. I watched where he was at and wondered if he would say goodbye, or if he would join in on the conversations I had started with others. I make myself sick sometimes..

Sometimes what started out as a decent day can go terribly wrong.

Because therapy went well yesterday. I am feeling a weight lifted to do what I want in our home since he’s been gone. I look forward to  what the new day brings and working on NOT  focusing on our relationship, marriage, or what the both of them did to me.

I need to be healthy. I need to  Pray, Read my Bible, Assess my eating habits, Yes, eat good foods, Exercise,  and Remember I can have joy through Jesus Christ. That’s my acronym PRAYER to remember what I need to do .

Also  my conversations with God and my therapist have concluded that I enjoy negative-attention seeking behaviors with all three parties, the husband, the ex-bff, and ex-bff’s husband.

I’m not sure why I feel the need to have their attention, or why I even care. But since I have evaluated the situation I have not spoken to  the the ex-bff’s husband, not because I don’t care about him. He has been a part of this huge process, but because I need to move on from that part of my life. Being healthy doesn’t include him or his family period, same goes for him as well. I cannot be a part of his life any more. I haven’t blocked his number yet. I figure if I quit responding to his texts, he will get the hint.

Moving on to the next topic: Denial

I’m sure you might have come to the conclusion that I do not hate my husband as much as some other women would show hate:

  • throwing personal belongings out on lawn
  • destroying his personal belongings like his precious guitars
  • filing divorce papers on the spot
  • took the kids away and left the state
  • telling everyone under the sun what a crap husband I chose and xbff

But I have not done any of those things and really don’t plan to. I know doing all those things and succumbing to  hate only destroys, me and our precious children even more.

What I have done which I made myself sick on the side of the road last night is buy him medicine. I was in the car anyway and wanted to get infant ibuprofen because I was running low.  He was getting these bug bites so I got him some Benadryl and anti-itchcream. Yes I was in my car at 1am driving my feverish baby around because she couldn’t get comfortable and go to sleep.

For some reason he thought hopping in the passenger seat was a good idea. It wasn’t. I was tired and hungry a recipe for disaster. He ended up getting out of the car saying something to the point of “You don’t hate me that much.” And I told him he was right I do  still love him dearly. While I want to call him the sick and twisted one. I am learning to believe I am the sick one. How can I love him so much still after what he has done? Why do I? Fighting these feelings are exhausting because logically I need to separate for a year and then divorce him. Get my feet back on the ground and move on with my life.

Jesus died on the cross for our sins and that is about illogical as it gets. This kind of love is illogical.

This post has taken forever and I will stop, but I want to point out that the project will start to  include experiments for myself to better myself. Because in doing so will help me not hate him too.

I learned that in CR last night. Recovery is about changing you, not anybody else.

 

 

 

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