Well tonight was our first scheduled date night since the separation.
I dreaded it.
I carried the baby inside my in-laws house and he opened the door smiling.
I tried not to look him in the eyes, it’s painful most of the time. Because I used to look in those gorgeous blue eyes and thought I knew what was inside there. I looked in those eyes and saw a man I loved enough to give my whole life to. I raised our kids, he worked sure there was some discontentment. Sometimes a lot on my part, but I knew this guy had my back forever and I knew I could trust him.
Nope.. that expectation was nuked and shot straight to hell.. and what returned was rubble and smoke.. resentment, bitterness. hate and anger lingered in the air.
Goodnight! we survived being married as active duty soldiers, I got out we had a kid he got deployed to Iraq for I think 16-18 months I can’t remember, we survived both becoming civilians and living in his small hometown. And what tore us down.. lust, false love, stroked egos, and dishonesty..
I find it a dam shame some soldiers never get to come home and be with their families ever. Some soldiers come home from deployments and their families have left them alone. My husband squandered and made a mockery of family and what he had all for what excitement? I remember him telling me his affair was exciting in the beginning..
I hate him for that I really do.. I know I’m supposed to be working on that, oh but when I replay those words in my head the rage.. All my pain for exciting.. give me a break
Anyways the date night sucked. In all the dates I’ve ever had in my life that had to be the worst one since I’ve been alive. He didn’t have a plan, he was walking on eggshells (he knows I’m not happy and never knows when the crazy will come), and I wasn’t thrilled to be in his company. Recipe for date disaster 101 I think .
We went out to eat, and kind of just stared at each other. Ate then went to Sam’s Club and looked at toothbrushes. Then went to Target and I can’t remember what he bought I think Ibuprofen and I got mascara, and some clothes for the sickly baby. After Target ate some chocolate laughed a bit then the date was over.
You know on the way to Sam’s Club I was talking to God and saying this is trying? God told me to give him a break he is trying. I let the husband in on the conversation he was surprised wanting to know what trying would look like. I in this sucky part of my life told him I have no idea, but I know it isn’t this.
Back when I thought he was everything to me. I swear when I was madly in love with him he could have taken me to the city dump and we would have had a great time because I didn’t care where we went as long as I was with him.
Now? Well it’s a completely different story..
To give the man credit, he was longingly looking at me and had no clue what to say. I was always the conversationalist and the fun, romantic person. Him not so much, rarely ever. I think the most romantic thing he’s done in our whole stupid love story is take me to this fancy hotel, I was knocked up and he had the in-laws babysit. His idea completely, which now is completely ruined because he was fucking the worst best friend in the world during that time. I think he was doing it for penance. Or to get away from his mistress for a few days. I bet he was probably contacting her during that time. It was around her birthday. So yeah he isn’t a romantic by any means.
So now we are at a loss.
Anyways on to Experiment #3
I will not send anymore hate mail. To the worst best friend I have ever had, to the cheating husband, or the faithful spouse to one of the world’s most backstabbing women ever!
Yes, I can somewhat commit to this one which makes me feel somewhat competent in all the deafening, screaming, going on in my head at times.
I can draft hate mail though. Just saying 🙂