Sometimes screaming inside is not enough..

So husband is feeling pretty ill. So I thought I would drop off some medicine for him and some snacks at work.

Today I told him I loved him. I prayed for them both.  I was looking forward to seeing him until I went the wrong way to his work. He was at a different station because of a temporary change so I went to his normal place. On the way there is the highway which him and his mistress/my worst best friend ever (yeah she’s back to that name) were pulling over and doing each other all the time! That highway triggered me like nobody’s business today. All kids were in the car  I decided flipping out was not an option.

So I tried to let it go. I tried not to think of how he could do this to me so many times. What kind of people do I attract in my life? Oh and that article I posted? Sometimes I forget what kind of person I am. What feels like a safe article one minute can bite me in the ass the next! Ugh.. I kept replaying what kind of woman chooses to continue to be with a man who lies, deceives, and treats her like a whore. Oh the kind my husband likes. Yeah he enjoys a woman who will tell him everything he wants to hear, who lies and throws her husband, family, never mind naive best friend down the drain who happens to be his wife.. He enjoys a woman who betrays, he enjoys secrecy..

I’m telling you readers if that’s what he finds exciting. Well I am just fighting a losing battle.

So he asks me what’s wrong, and I tell him.. He is upset. He seems frustrated with me. I call him when I get home to apologize because I was pissed off at him before he even said “Hi” to me. The multiple triggers got me and I really was not excited to see him at all. He tells me he cannot process all of this during the day. I tell him you could screw your whore before work, sext, find any free time away from your wife to have your affair!! Now working with your wife is time consuming!!

Ok I didn’t say that I said “I feel hurt when you tell me you can’t process during the day when you had all the time in the world for you affair.” Yup. no exclamation point. Just matter of fact.

He argues it’s different. Many a times he doesn’t even have to say it, but I can say it in my head for him. “She was easy to talk to” “My affair was easy”, but this? This is too hard to even fathom! He never says this, but it’s how I feel. She was easy, I am not. I will never be easy, a liar, a betrayer, be okay with being treated like a hooker, and stomp on others to make me get off..once again fighting a losing battle.

As I type this I suppose I need to clarify the battle I feel I’m losing. The one where I think I want my husband back. Life is hard and I always thought he was my battle buddy (military reference) we would fight alongside each other. Kids, house, life, darkalleys, muggers, my crazy family together. But turns out he’s the type that bails, looks for easy and leaves me alone in the dark.

Here’s to me always shining my light with or without him. I hope one day he understands that nothing about him is easy either.

 

 

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