My husband says he loves me and is sorry for what he did. Recently he is answering these questions 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse. I know a few of them, but for the most part I liked how the author gave information as to why the questions are relevant.
So he answered question 1.
What did you say to yourself that gave you permission to get involved?
He answered, honest and genuinely. It was written in an email and goodness the lies that this man believed to tell himself it was okay. To sleep with my best friend is okay, to sleep with anyone is okay. I’m unhappy game on Motherfuckers! Okay he didn’t say it quite like that, but I wanted insight in his twisted world and I got it.
Did it help me heal? No most definitely not. Did it make me want to vomit, throw my laptop and scream in the air “You stay away from me, you stay far away from me you fucking whore!!” “You don’t ever get to come near me ever!” I am so through with this stupid marriage!” I was so mad. Because truly I didn’t do it for me and my healing. I wanted him to deal with his affair, I wanted to see proof of it. Okay so there is a bit of my healing in there, but should my healing process feel like such a nightmare? Good grief..
Anyways I got what I wanted and I am trying not to be an asshole about it. I asked him for something and he delivered in a timely manner, with thought and sincerity. I should be praising and encouraging the man but unfortunately as someone once told me during this ordeal “Someone stole your Pom Poms.” I am going to take that and say no one stole anything! “My husband freely gave away my Pom Poms to someone else!” and in doing so left me with nothing, but still wanted me to be a cheerleader for him. Fucking selfish, inconsiderate, taking people. Now I feel he’s given me back the same Pom Poms she used and I do not want to cheer at all. They are tainted with her cheers of “Fucking me instead of your wife is okay!”, “I love you, but don’t mind destroying everything you stand for, or destroying myself included!”, “I will tell you everything you want to hear!”.
I hate these Pom Poms and am wondering where I can find new ones.
Yeah I’m a bit angry today.
Going to go through my experiments as well. I’ve got to let the hate go. I feel it slipping, but sometimes I want it back. I’m comfortable there in my anger and hate. I’m scared what loving these two people look like again. I’m not ready, but will I ever be?
Sweet Pudgy baby is feeling better ❤