Triggers, Attention: My Affair Recovery? Not going so well..

Oh the triggers they are playing with me. Maybe because I’m sex-starved, or because this affair crap with my husband and Bob’s wife the thoughts just get out of hand. I am dancing in my bathroom getting ready to clean my shower, having a good time, and I remember her here. In my house, the conversations, our kids, us laughing.. then it flips to her fucking my husband, for years mind you.. years.. not once, twice, years people..

Last night I stayed with the children at Mark’s (yup we are calling him that now) place because 2 out of 4 were ill for awhile and put the girls to bed went home about 11 or so. He emailed me saying thanks for being nice to him. I corrected that, saying I’m not being nice to him but I know he needed help. Sure I could have let him deal with it on his own, but who suffers? Him, yeah big deal, but our kids? Nope they are not going to suffer anymore than necessary.

My protection for our children has been on high alert with Mark. He seems to just get tunnel vision when he decides to change his values or to what he wants. Which now I see how he could have an affair with my closest friend (Bob’s wife) and not give a flying fuck!

Anyways let’s stop talking about Mark. Let’s talk about my need for attention. How I think one of my biggest voids is that I used to think I had someone who only thought of me. Who completed me and had my back, now I don’t have that I feel attention starved and do the most strangest things. Like be consumed with dumb things and not take care of important things.

For example I used to hate making my bed, now I make it, but I have let my shower/bath tub get insanely gross. I feel unloved, starved for attention, and sex-starved. I pay attention to my stats and Facebook and my laundry goes to hell in a hand-basket.

I am being dumb, and need to get me together. I need to pay attention to something else.

This is my first weekend by myself and I’m enjoying it most times. Then I play the music and I remember her, him. Ugh.. why them both? couldn’t they have fucked other people. But I guess the pain would not have been easier.

I guess I just need to cheer the fuck up. This blog usually does it for me.

Go check out my pals blog it’s insanely funny, about triggers Pappa Loved Momma

Tomorrow is Father’s Day and I regret having children with Mark. I regret ever meeting Bob’s wife. I regret doing anything for either of them. But I guess I’m just being stuck in misery. As I look on other’s blogs I’m glad I’m not the only one.

This other blogger poses a question that I need to evaluate My husband cheated on me. Now what? She is in affair recovery for 1 year and her current post is pretty interesting Filling the Void After His Affair. I wish I could just be my own piece with my kids without him. But time machines and wishes do not exist, so here I will be scrubbing my shower, doing laundry, and getting my sweet darling daughter ready for camp..

I want to say I hate Mark and Bob’s wife and hope awful things happen to them and are in grief and pain the rest of their lives!! But I know better, that kind of thinking only makes me worse off than what I am already.

Here’s to the rest of my evening not sucking.. Here’s to me smiling, and getting out of fucking valley..

 

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