So the date did not suck balls. Actually as I was dreading going I was getting myself ready. I’ve lost weight. I keep losing weight, food isn’t as important as it used to be and turns out I’m fitting into my clothes way better (which makes me feel super insecure but whatever). I like getting all dolled up now because I like watching other men, now. I like seeing how they look at me, how they look at other women. It’s the type of nonsense I used to appreciate when I was single. I also like to make Mark remember what he’s lost.
Mark, gave that wonderful gift back to me. I never used to look at other men, I look now. Not that I’m looking to date them or anything, just who is attractive, who isn’t. Sometimes if I am super attracted to a man then I kind of play in my head what dating them would look like, what they would be like in bed (not with me just with anyone). I feel it’s some dangerous territory I’m heading into so I try to stop it, but it’s one of those things I seem to do now without even noticing until afterwards. I also look at other couples and see them happy and wonder if one of them is cheating on each other.
Yeah it keeps me occupied while trying not to be a lunatic with Mark.
Anyways Mark had to work late (yeah I know I was suspicious too) so we couldn’t do a movie just dinner. He was going to cancel but as he was going to I felt disappointed, I wanted to spend time with him. (I know I flip flop like nobody’s business) We had dinner it was okay, conversation went okay. I can’t remember what pissed me off about dessert, but Sally or something about her was mentioned not sure if it was me or him, but I was over it and did not finish my cake.
We got into the parking lot and before I got in the car I started crying. All these new thoughts in my head are there because of him and Sally. I got screwed big time with their stupid decisions!! He started to take me home, but I didn’t want to go home a crying mess. So he took me to a park and we walked. I’m not a big fan of the outdoors unless I am being served coffee and in a comfy chair or something 🙂 But I have never done that on a date before which was nice. We ended up getting along quite nicely and since then I’ve been looking at him in denial.
Could this handsome man of mine have done those horrible things to me? No surely not.
Then Crazy me smacks me a good one and wakes me back up to reality. Crazy is pretty pissed off that me and the offender (that’s what she calls him) have been doing well recently. Crazy me sets me on edge because she is right about mostly everything he has done and what he continues to do. Crazy me doesn’t love Mark though, or my kids. She’s just fucking crazy! So I have to check her probably about every 30 minutes or so.. bitch is persistent let me tell you..
Right now, things are somewhat well. I had a meeting with Bob last night which was probably the last I will have for a very long time. (mutual decision). Bob helped me, along with everyone who respects, loves, and wants the best for me to be finished with Sally. (That’s another post) But I still feel reconciling sucks for example:
After the meeting with Bob, I came home to Mark, hugged him and cried. I was sad, sad about everything. Lost friendships, lost marriage, the whole bit. He hugged me and I needed reassurance, I needed it so bad. I asked for it, he assured me. Afterwards I told him I need reassurance all of the time and I don’t want to have to ask for it. He told me he was going to reassure me and then I asked for it. So I didn’t really give him a chance.
Once again I hate reconciling, but some say if reconciling is hard, divorce is even harder.
I just remember when I was passionate either I loved something, or I didn’t. Now with this whole affair thing there is a grey that I have to consistently live in and I get so pissed off about it. I love the color grey, but the middleground of feelings and reconciling is not the way I used to live my life. I love Mark passionately sometimes, and I hate Mark passionately alot too. But to get through this to possibly salvage anything between us there has to be a middle for right now. When I am completely open and loving to Mark, when I look, feel, and say things that are making progress towards Mark and this marriage Mark gets scared. He knows the crazy will come, he just doesn’t know when. He knows crazy me isn’t dead by a long shot. And when I’m in a rage well things are not good for either of us.
We both are broken, by different things of course, but we both are hurting pretty bad. A loving, praying, soul sent me this article it isn’t about infidelity just being hurt the whole article is How to Love Your Spouse Again. For me the best part is
Whichever spouse you are, this will be a long road. But I firmly believe that God is in the transformation business, and He’s in the reconciliation business. He loves nothing better than to take two broken people and make them whole again. And He can do that, when we finally let our guard down and be honest with Him and with ourselves. That means being vulnerable with each other. That means touching those deep hurts. But there is no hurt that is deeper than God’s love, and when we do become vulnerable, we finally give Him permission to touch that hurt and heal it.
So here’s to me finding a middle ground, to talking about our feelings and day-to-day life in new ways, and not flipping the fuck out. Oh I made dinner last night and plan to again. Two out of four children are ill so making meals is way better for them, and better for their Mom too. I seem to be slowly finding my way out of the fog.