Triggers after an affair: The peppermint kiss that blew my mind

As I am busting the frat house mentality and  cleaning. My mind is clear of any crap from being lied to and hurt. I clear off the top of my microwave how many Gerber baby cereal bars does our baby need? Put my mother-in-law’s dishes on the table to take back to her house. Then I see the hershey kiss, a pretty red and silver one, the last thing on top of the microwave. It was hidden all the way back there. I remember the kind the children love the different flavors of kisses during any holiday. This hershey kiss was alone and left behind from our last Christmas. It was a peppermint one. That is when the cleaning stopped and I went to lie down on the couch

I tried to shake the feeling off. I say to myself

“It’s just a hershey kiss, calm down”

“We are not going to freak out now, we were doing so well” (Yeah Crazy, Angry, Emotional Me’s call ourselves We :))

But I couldn’t that kiss took me back to Christmas, took me back to where my husband pretended to love me, pretended he wanted to be with us instead of Sally ( I really wanted to say whore). As we were putting our tree together, every holiday, every birthday, my beautiful fourth child’s delivery all during Mark’s torrid affair.

He say’s he wanted to be with us. He says he still loved me during his whole affair. I call “Bullshit”

Mark and I have been doing well. He came through our house door and could clearly see something was wrong. I started crying. He is doing better with my emotions. While I feel his claim to love our family and me  during his affair is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard those are my feelings. His feelings are different.

I cannot change the way he feels, he cannot change mine. So we realized we were at a stalemate. I realized I am not going to solve this trigger moment tonight. I hate that. I hate not solving a problem right then and there, but with reconciling I see that this is an inevitable hell I’m going to have to get used to. I know I felt sad, a debilitating sadness, but I knew I didn’t have the tools or the knowledge to get me through it. I had to find some sort of happy and get off the couch. What was going to make me feel better right then and there? I really wanted a cheese pizza so I ordered one and Mark and I ate and watched Duck Dynasty. Funny I was still on the couch but was having a much better time.

Are we anywhere near the point of happily ever after, not at all.

Could I have a trigger and not tell Mark to get the fuck away from me? Yes, this time at least. It’s a hard battle to see if Mark really loves me and our family, more than himself. I get he could have left and just walked away from a faithful wife, and these amazing children we have raised so far together. Mark is a man of options which led us to where we are today.. (Lord please take me now, please?) But as I have invited him to dinner, to stay overnight the past two nights I kind of can see what our church family who have invested 2+ years in our marriage are saying about him.

He has humbled himself and apologized to everyone he has lied to. He is being transparent. He is providing for us whether, he is in this house or not. (Food processor I’ve always wanted ordered) He is paying our bills. He is attending church, playing in his worship band (apologized to them to), has an accountability male partner, pursuing our date nights, our date nights with others, follows the schedule to take kids on his weekends and evenings and refuses a divorce even when Crazy, Angry Me are tag teaming him like nobody’s business.

Yeah Mark is doing quite a bit to keep this family and me. To be honest it’s quite flattering, but let’s not give Mark too much credit wouldn’t want him getting a big head and thinking he has any other option.

 

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5 thoughts on “Triggers after an affair: The peppermint kiss that blew my mind

  1. Most days, I feel the same. How could you love your spouse and then shit all over your marriage? Today, however, I am feeling pretty rational and “giving”. Today, I can see how much my husband loves me. I can understand how he could separate that from, what he called, an “escape” from his life and marriage. He’s told me a few times that there were moments he felt “a little guilty” but convinced himself that what he was doing had nothing to do with me or our marriage. It had to do with him and his “needs”. It’s absolutely selfish and, at times, makes me want to vomit and run him over. But, I kind-of, sort-of, get it. He didn’t intentionally set out to hurt me. He locked it all in a box and hoped I would never find it. I look him in the eyes today and I see the shame. I see the remorse. I see the guilt he never felt while he was in the throws of the affair.

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