I’ve been perusing Match.com again. My stupid laptop is dumb and I think it’s God telling me that looking for other people to fill my time is unnecessary. I suppose I do not need to pass on all this fuckedupedness on anyone whether I think I will or not.
Which led me to have prayer over my life today. I do not want to be humble and say I need a Savior right now. No man, my husband, friend, therapist, can save me from this hell I am in besides Jesus. I know I want justice to happen to Mark. I want him to know I am seeing another man let’s call him Jonathan. I am talking to, having sex with Jonathan around our children and in our bed. I want him to know that there is another man in our children’s lives. I want Mark to not hurt like I do but worse.
As a Betrayed Spouse I feel I am the worst kind. The kind that can play nice for awhile, but the Crazy hides. I truly do not mean it too, but it does and comes out around the strangest times. P.S. I took a shovel to our shed yesterday.. Yeah Crazy came hard!!
I want Mark to think about Jonathan’s dick in my mouth, inside me and him holding me while I prefer his company to Mark’s. While Mark is at work providing for our family I am spending time with Jonathan loving him, texting him, and waiting until I get to have sex with him again. I want Mark to know what it feels like to visualize and think about Jonathan all over me, on top of me, behind me while he tries to sleep with me and kiss me. I have had numerous encounters with Jonathan in our shower, in our cars, and in our backyard. Jonathan likes to surprise me with flowers and makes me mixed CD’s of songs I would like to hear. The children know Jonathan very well and like him very much. Jonathan is a great cook and the kids and I have had numerous lunches over at his place. While we have sex in his house, the kids play video games and watch T.V. Jonathan and I have been friends for years, I met him when I had my last job and well since I have known about Mark’s affair (the first lie) It’s been game on. Do I have regrets? I don’t. Do I think Jonathan would be a great step-dad to our kids, no? You know why?
Because Jonathan doesn’t exist, but goodness do I want him too 🙂
Anyways what I was saying before I got on my justice rant is that. No justice will do. It’s like busting up my shed yesterday. I grabbed the shovel and was going to bust up all things. But I couldn’t bust my grill. I love my grill, the kids’s swingset, picnic bench was off limits, our patio furniture glass table what a mess to clean up. So I settled for the stupid shed which I need to fix this week. I busted up some bricks too. But I didn’t feel any better. I actually wanted to break more things! My anger, pain, and hurt will never go away unless I get this monkey off my back. Which leads me to the confession I made to my brothers and sisters in Christ today.
I asked for repentance to God for not allowing Him to work in my life. So far I have been consumed with this blog, friends, my pain, Mark, sex, anger, hate, and nothing makes me feel better. I needed to humble myself before the Lord and say I want to be willing to take that step for you to take this pain away. I need to work harder at spending time with the Lord, my Bible, and prayer. I wanted to humble myself before my Father and say I’m sorry because I suck at this.
Now I know some of you do not have faith, however I’m sure you can understand, or relate. So I am working on being willing not to forgive, but to heal. Heal through my faith. It’s put up or shut up time I feel and if I believe what I say I believe then it’s time for me to let God do his work. Do I still hate my husband at times and those times come pretty quick! But he cannot be my focus, and I know I say that every other post but fellow readers please bear with me..
I am a slow learner…
I mean really slow…
Mark and I have been co-habitating in the same house for about goodness 5 days now. I think. Sometimes it works for me, sometimes it doesn’t. I’m not sure but I haven’t made any rash demands. Like fuck you whore get the fuck out of here!! Although I’ve thought them a few times. I’m not sure what all of this looks like and some say I try to rush the process of healing, but I just want the pain to stop and I’m not a big picture thinker so the pain feels like FOREVER.. I can identify with Shattered by My Husband’s Affair here in just feeling the same way after months of trying to reconcile. Although she has more months on me by far 🙂
I feel I need to heal before I can even think about forgiving, or maybe they come hand in hand for me. But this is my path and mine alone to know what will work best for me.
So here’s to me sticking to that blue chip, healing, and moving towards or away from Mark. Right now I will not know, however I got this bible study for affairs called Torn Asunder and I am now ready to sign the contract in the workbook. No more Match.com bullshit, no more trying to fill the pain, it’s time to walk through it not with Mark, but with God. I have no idea what that looks like and I am terribly scared, but I know God has a plan for me. Honestly I can give two fucks if that involves Mark or not. I just want to survive this, I need to, I really don’t have any other choice.
I have four gorgeous reasons to keep living a good life. I also am breathing so I have a purpose. If I was in control of this ship I would have sank already, but I’m not.