Date #3 could have been great. Had we not been married for 13 years and I knew I was made to be a jackass so he could fuck whoever he wanted, but whatever. Yup the date was pretty bad. I was sullen. We did play frisbee golf which I have never done before. It ended abruptly as my flip-flops sunk in the grass all wet and I didn’t want to play anymore. The evening was beautiful though. We had just had a pretty bad thunderstorm and the smell of rain and grey clouds was fresh.
Those are a few of my favorite things. Even on a bad date I could look up and smile.
He then asked where I wanted to go for dessert. I honestly didn’t care I go on these dates to not think and have things planned out for me. He took me to Baskin Robbins and we order way too much ice cream while listening to some depressing country music. I tell him how I feel, which never seems to go well on our dates. I really didn’t bring up the situation I just pointed out that my feelings for him are so lackluster compared to what I had for him. I identified with this post Sad Today from Amid the Rubble. Sometimes I get tired of looking to find the love I once had for him.
I miss the consistency of knowing my feelings about this man I married. If anything in my life was troublesome I knew I at least had that. I always loved this man with all my heart. Until now.
Now I feel as if I counted on that WAY too much for a foundation to cling too. I know better not just because I love Jesus, but because it’s usually the people you love like that, that hurt you the most. I come from a long list of people who take, cheat, con, steal, manipulate, lie, whine,play victim, and that’s just in my family of seven, nevermind the rest of the world 🙂
I thought he was different, I was wrong.
Anyways off of my soapbox and back to the date. I’ve been hiding from some truths. I know as a betrayed spouse I should be all about truth right? Wrong? Sometimes I’m so far up my ass about how I’ve been wronged I forget the rest of the world is still spinning and that sometimes (promise I’m not condemning myself) the way I act contributes to my own suffering.
I feel I need to own that. If I am holding Mark to the standards of accountability for his actions. I certainly need to own up to mine as well.
For instance after 13 years of marriage, having my heart broken, taking care of four kids: I have become a horrible date. I suppose not just a horrible date, but not the most fun person. It’s insanely hard for me to have fun. Let loose. (I mean not whore like loose let’s not get too crazy) without over thinking things. I used to be spontaneous and fun. You know who killed that over 13 years? Yeah my crap marriage that ended in infidelity, Mark didn’t like not doing anything without a plan, without thinking things through.. Yeah look where that got me..It’s time I figure out not just what makes me happy, but that I need to remember the fun person I was before I met Mark. I still am fun to an extent, but not like I used to be.
In all seriousness I do not need to channel my 2o-something self. I don’t think she’d enjoy the life I have now, but remember her spirit. Get out and go! Plans are unnecessary I mean there’s always a Wal-Mart somewhere 😉
Reading posts that are encouraging have gotten me to see what a downer I have been. Does my husband get to call me Debbie Downer after our date? Fuck no.. what an asshole. However I can see his point and I think it’s what some of my wonderful circle have been telling me about living my life without joy. Here are a few posts (yes I know they are WAY further along in their recovery and one of them is divorced) that have touched my heart by Kelly I Love It and The House that Built Me and also by Becoming Single post Absolutely Single Self. ***Disclaimer here those posts are not all positive bullshit, rainbows, and sunshine they write with authentic hearts who have faced infidelity, broken hearts, with a renewed strength in themselves, for themselves.
I may be delusional (I seem to call Mark that WAY too much) but I want that. I want to wake up and feel strength, joy, security (not from my marriage, Mark, or love that’s all stupid to me right now) with myself and I’ve feel I’ve denied myself that for 2+ months. I’ve been wallowing people and caught up in what “The grieving process”? What a fucking joke. So my marriage died, my love for my husband died.. How did I get so caught up in that dumb web? Nothing I can do about it now. Right?
My husband threw my love for him away, and treated it like trash when all I ever wanted for him was to smile and be happy. That sucks and makes me sad. Mark makes me sad, sometimes even just his presence makes me mad. Do I want to date him? Hell no. Is he the man of my dreams? He used to be, not anymore. Not even close. But I have a choice in all of that. I’m not talking divorce. Not yet anyway. I’m not talking about surviving either, just hanging by a thread and waiting for reconciliation to do what exactly?
I’ve always taken the bull by the horns in dealing with adversity. I have no idea what it is I am waiting for.
So my choice is to fucking live my life. Like I have purpose, not just read books about stupid infidelity. Not wait for counseling sessions to deal with how I feel about my LAMEST marriage ever (In my opinion :)). Live like I never had two whores backstabbing me for 2+ years. Does it hurt hell yeah, have a I bled.. Hell I still feel as if I’m bleeding.. Not wait for the dates to get better, or my love for him to return. I guess I felt as if I found the love I once had then I can go back to doing the family bit and feel somewhat stable again. Because in loving him I felt purpose in doing the whole stay-at-home, homeschooling bit, it sucks wasn’t my dream life I wanted but loving him, having him in my life made it feel worth it. Because I knew he had my back and I had his. I was proud to be on his arm. I always thought he was proud to have me too. A big SIKE!! to me on that one
I am no longer proud to be his wife, or anything to him. Mark is just a man to me. A man I like to make sexy boom with and is the father of my children. He also is super hot to me at times ❤
I really need to get rid of the quest to love Mark again. It’s stupid. I mean really after what he did how could I. We are looking for a miracle for me to feel even a portion of the love that I had for the husband that left me years ago in his heart. He was always in mine. I suppose I need to fess up that I am a hopeless romantic and want to find that again. I mean we are in the same house, raising kids, doing date nights, on occasion sexy boom. I am occupied with wanting to find that feeling for him again or looking for it and I keep disappointing myself over and over.
So I’ve been committing to spend 10 minutes with Jesus (don’t judge that’s alot for me right now), be in my Bible, and pray. I know I can trust in Our Savior no disappointment there. And with Him I can go about business (raising these gorgeous people without feeling empty like I am missing a piece of me).
I am exhausted looking for that piece that is not going to return anytime soon, or ever. There are just way more important things to do with my time than finding love again. Well that’s how I feel today and my sweet girl got a clear bill of health yesterday.. Life is too short with these babies and I’ve got to get my head in the game! Did you catch my High School Musical reference? ❤