I know better..

I miss her. Let’s just say S to not get too used to her name. I miss calling her and hearing her funny validations on things (promise the whole time she talked with me she never validated sleeping with my husband) Maybe I shouldn’t even be writing this post, on a sad cloudy, day. When my girls are playing well and I definitely could be scrubbing a toilet, a shower, I did clean the boy’s room so it will be ready for him when he gets home from camp.That counts I think.

I miss just randomly calling her like we used to do to see how each other’s lives were going with the kids, with the husbands. Turns out Mark and S did talk about me. S was pretty adamant about keeping the relationship we had up and Mark was like whatever. Okay so I wasn’t completely discussed but mentioned not that it matters now. It’s the past and Mark is pretty upset at himself for not protecting me from that relationship because he was too busy with his multiple relationships between mistress and wife. That is a huge irritation for me.

I miss how we used to joke and how we got each other’s humor about things. I am not romanticizing!! And I wonder like our marriages that are being scrutinized because of the infidelity. Is my friendship with her? I never questioned her friendship to me. She was my best adult girlfriend I ever had, well you know until now. But maybe just maybe I was a piece of crap friend and I didn’t notice. I didn’t see any red flags. Maybe I should have looked closer the night I called her and asked if my husband had touched her.

As I am journeying back there I am reminded of how horrible Mark was. How he was drunk and how he wanted us to work. All the while they were sleeping together for 3 months prior.

Sometimes Bob used to go on a rant about how horrible Mark broke man code. But girl code is so much more special I think. I know I’m biased. Because women are shady, snobby, mean, vicious.. and we’re just talking Mom’s not just women in general :). It’s a rare find when a another woman comes in your life and can laugh, joke, and see the humor in all of the wife, kid,world madness. I thought she respected me, what was mine, she didn’t.

So as I’m just wishing this all never happened. I know she’s a back-stabbing best friend, but she truly was/maybe still can be a pretty awesome friend to someone out there.

And I also know better. I know better to miss S. It’s just habit I guess to think about what I’m going to make for my family and talk it over with S. How I ruined those Pinterest dinners and desserts and how she could relate or help me maybe make them better? Who am I going to count on to do baby showers with now? We’ve done two together and she was my go to party person for ideas. Mark wasn’t really into celebrating our kids birthdays until now. It’s probably sick but sometimes I hear conversations that we used to have or see things in a grocery store and think of her, or think of what she would say about that. You’d think me and S were having an affair by the way I’m describing all of this but I swear we weren’t.

But as so many stress time with Mark and my relationship. The grieving process has been much harder for S and I. Because no one has alot of sympathy for S. I do, I always have in this.

I feel sad she settled for my lying, deceiving husband and thought it was love. I always talked Mark up to everyone. She never will get to see that man ever. The Mark I have and love, the honest, kind one that cares about his family more than himself. She got the most horrible version of Mark there ever was and she settled for that for years. It’s like knowing what your daughter or son is capable of having in a relationship and they settle for crap and you feel so sad for them. Maybe she didn’t care because they both were in the same boat together being liars,and betraying people thinking it was okay. I care.. S is worth way more than cheap thrills on a highway.. and if I’m completely honest so is Mark.

So as my own therapist only seeing me twice can judge the relationship between S and I as romanticizing, I can only imagine what is being said about me in her therapy sessions.

Which I shouldn’t care but I do. Because I have jerkish tendencies, but I loved S, with all my heart like the sister I’ve always wanted and never had. And it pisses me off to think someone out there with a degree is saying we were sucky friends, or even worse I didn’t care enough about her to know her true feelings of how she found my husband attractive and wanted attention from him. (Promise Mark doesn’t get off easy I know he freely gave his attention away too.) But whatever, point is I miss her, I miss what we used to have, maybe I’m a fool and it was all fake.

But it really doesn’t matter I am crying over spilled milk. There is no more S and I, and she chooses to avoid me than deal with me. Or make me into a crappy friend who wants to belittle her, and hate her. 

Whatever. I know better to waste my energy on S, I’m just sad today, and miss the familiarity of S. I know, I know Jesus can be my new bestie and so can Mark.. but good grief.. 9 years is a long time to forget someone in such a short time. I wish I could.. but I know wishes don’t mean anything.. especially now. Also I think I need to find a kickstarter for those who are trying to make time travel a possibility. That’s being somewhat of a problem solver right? Speaking of problems.. let’s mention the list that brought me to miss S.

  • Squishy baby got into the 1/2 gallon sized liquid soap from Sam’s and thought it was a snack
  • Poision control called
  • Big soap mess on my floor=I washed the floor and the walls of my bathroom.
  • Was cutting cheesecake and underneath me was our baby who unscrewed my olive oil from Sam’s and knocked it over
  • unfortunately laminate floors do not need to be oiled.
  • My Dad was yelling at me to figure out his prescriptions at Walgreens
  • Then my daughter starts screaming bloody murder outside because daughter 1 took daughter 2’s balloon outside and let it go..
  • My comfort people are now the people who broke my heart the most and days like this remind me of what I don’t have instead of what I do.

I know better to let myself get here. I know better to miss S (I mean Fin means Fin right?) I just feel like I fucking know better, but that gives me no comfort right now. I miss Mark, I cannot wait until he gets home. 

Well here’s to getting out of this sadness I need to change a diaper and there is grey clouds outside.. It’s probably time to get some fresh air and buy music tonight that always helps. ❤


4 thoughts on “I know better..

  1. I so get this. Although OW wasn’t my bestie, I had known her since I ws 10. My bestie and I are also now estranged to a fair degree. Also a 36 year friendship. We flatted together at uni. I supported her through major anxiety issues and depression. I had her kids when she went back to work. She was my everyday, constant companion. I think she can’t deal with what I am going through. This despite the fact I told her after the first year that I was no longer talking about this to anyone other than Rog. She just deserted me. I kept my distance and that suits her just fine. She said some incredibly insensitive and hurtful things. I miss her. But I don’t really miss HER. I miss who I thought she was. Still grief stricken at the loss though.

    Hang in there. There has to be better people out there, worthy of you x. (Fuck Sally. Fuck Leanne. And even Fuck Justine! )

    • I don’t know if better is the word I would use, but I do have some rocking chic’s now. Just not the same as years long of friendship’s, through babies, trials, and all that jazz..
      Thank you horsesrcumin you are a wonderful encourager and full of strength! ❤

  2. 😉 I think better. These are toxic and selfish people, there has to be better than that! You and I are better than that, so we already know there are others! So, you had fun, you laughed, you gossiped, but when I LOOK at what Jus and I did all these 36 years, I now know I pulled the cart of our friendship, I was genuine, I went the extra mile. Every time. And when I needed her, she was there, initially, but couldn’t go the distance, as I am no longer fun Paula, no longer happy to let injustice pass, no longer as vacuous as she must have thought I was – although I don’t know why she would have ever thought that, because I always stood up for “right” and made my opinion heard when people were hurt, or judgements were made without the facts. Interestingly, a truly lovely friend of Roger’s, an accountant, greenie, caring, professional and warm man – and generally just a good guy – said something to Rog the other day about Jus – and he is NOT a gossip, or a negative person, quite the opposite! He noted that Jus had grown up in this lovely Irish Catholic family, school teacher parents, no money – there were eight kids, Jus was the fourth, and I spent a lot of time with them, it was a shabby, rundown, house, the oven door was propped shut with a broom handle, the wallpaper was peeling, but it was chocka with love, chocka with fun, very child-centred. They had a huge half-acre section, with mature fruit trees and a large vegetable garden, so the kids spent hours playing outside, building forts, climbing trees, growing food. Her dad was the local middle school deputy principal, a totally dedicated man, loved his family, loved his wife, loved children, AND loved to make home brew, and all kinds of concoctions of fruit wines and home-made liqueurs! And he would foist them on us in our late teens, or we would sit sipping cheap sherry, or Mr O’s ghastly wine, laughing with them all. It was such a happy and REAL home. Her mum and dad cared about the underdog, they cared about the environment, they cared about people and took them under their wing. But Jus has at 48, moved SO far from those roots. She spends most of her time at the gym, at the salon, getting chemical peels (poor Jus has very, very freckly, lined skin and coarse, wiry hair) swanning about on their launch and drinking copious gallons of wine, two or three overseas trips per year, always to somewhere innocuous, a tropical island, to sit in the sun, and drink cocktails, never somewhere interesting or challenging, with all five of her children, NO social conscience at all anymore. Hey, I know that my list sounds bitchy, but this is her new reality. Her husband is a prick really. I got on okay with him, on the surface, if he had too many drinks he used to love to get “grabby” with me, and he is a total misogynist and bigot, he doesn’t give two shits about his polluting way of farming, or animal welfare, and he frequents brothels and strip joints all the while spouting on about how he loves his family, four girls followed by a little spoilt brat of a boy! The other day a friend had a new daughter and “the boys” were joking about when he was having the shout, Jus’s pig of a husband (who she says she adores, and I am sure she is oblivious to his brothel creeping) said, “no spout, no shout.” I could have punched him, I’m glad he was out of reach! Roger’s friend just noted how far from Jus’s genuine roots she has drifted. So, no loss, but of course I FEEL such loss in losing her as my bestie for my whole life. It is a lonely path, this “recovery” one, and I am thankful Every Single Day for the webernetty thingie and the companionship of those who walk this path also! Although I wish no one else EVER had to walk it, of course.

    Whoops, jacked the thread completely, my bad!

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