So today has been a completely off day for Mark and I. I’m smart, it’s an unfortunate circumstance for Mark, because well this brain has always been on hyperdrive and now it’s even worse. I still try to make sense of it all. I know, I know, it’s useless. But if I cling to his fucked up reasonings of why he did this and cling to what he says he’s doing now. I just feel I’m doing a disservice to myself taking his words at full value.
Lately the “I didn’t like the person you were” statement has been nagging at me. I mean if you didn’t like me just say so motherfucker! But I mean if you don’t like someone you fucking tell them (crap I bet this is why S fucked my husband) They are both the same they should just be together assholes..
Anyways so he didn’t like me. Hell I’m a pretty, loud, powerful chic I can take some criticism and honesty. I dish it out and I’m fine with taking it. However if you didn’t like me why lie to keep me? Why hide it? Once again I call bullshit! Because you obviously liked me enough to fuck me and your sidechick. You liked me enough to eat the food I cooked and take care of our kids. Oh but maybe that’s that whole compartmentalizing bullshit story again. I mean seriously if you didn’t like me enough to fuck my best friend and be okay with it. Then I would think you didn’t like me enough to not care and say “Hey asshat wife I’ve been fucking your best friend and I completely enjoy it. You know why? Because I don’t like you!” (insert emoticon with huge tongue sticking out)
Which then I would reply “Well enjoy the broad who is no longer my best friend and Fuck you very much. You are a coward and pathetic enjoy your life without me Whore!”
Whatever loving a reformed person with a whore attitude is hard. It’s hard loving anyone, but add on crap like this and sometimes it’s downright unbearable. Anyways we all know the story didn’t go like that. Betrayal was my husband’s poison of choice, that other woman’s too. Excuse me while I make disgusted faces for a few seconds. Thinking about them in their whore state makes me angry.
Which leads me to self-esteem, mine. In the beginning of all of this because I was stupid and hurt I immediately went to that horrid place of “I’m not good enough that’s why my beloved chose this path”. Not that my beloved has completely foolish asshole tendencies and can put me on the bottom of his shoe and be fine with it. I felt ugly, unworthy, dirty, and disgusted with myself!.. Ugh I was so pathetic, but being in so much pain causes many lapses of judgement.
So as I was at the pool today. I remember going to the pool pre-betrayal days and not having good self-esteem. I would see other women and wish I looked like them.
I would like to say I took in everyone’s beauty pre-betrayal days, but I didn’t. I didn’t appreciate my looks, or everyone else’s and how beautiful all the people are. Not just the people I wanted to look like. But today I did and it was marvelous. I had a decent time with all four children of different ages. But my self-esteem was through the roof today. I felt gorgeous and confident. Why? I can just say through this betrayal I am worth way more than this situation.
As I sat in the sun, holding my sweet, squishy, baby, watching my other girls wade. I was staring at a big elephant slide and thinking “Don’t sell yourself short”.
Once again thanks Bob, because it was something I have done all my life. I have always sold myself short. Nothing was ever good enough that I ever did, or wanted to do. But now, now I feel good enough, there is a sense that I’m more bad-ass than I ever thought. And I’ve sold myself short for too long. I was smiling looking at all the children and women in the kiddie pool and thought to myself I am pretty awesome.
Although this heightened self-awesomeness makes me mad that I’m with someone who says he will not fail to protect me again. Bah!
I don’t buy a lot of what he says. There is no way to prove it until something like this comes up again. He failed the test, miserably. He’s part of great group of people that are called the unfaithful spouses. What whore will want him now? Those with whore minds want a man who is faithful to his wife, who doesn’t get caught, who values secrecy. He’s been caught, doesn’t value secrecy (from what he tells me), and hasn’t been faithful to his wife.
Raise of hands who wants to love and be with Mark?.. Anyone?.. going once.. going twice.. remember he’s the father of your children.. you love him.. he loves you.. Fine (I raise my hand reluctantly)..
Back to my self-esteem and my ego. She is being built up, but I wonder if she is being built in a biblical Godly way. Because as I was feeling so awesome guess who I wasn’t feeling awesome about? Yup. Mark. So I have to keep my awesomeness in check and this big head that I seem to be getting. There is some sort of checks and balances that I need to be aware of. Because as I’m sure my self-esteem does need a bit of boosting.. I’m sure it doesn’t do me any good to throw Mark under the bus.
After all I do know what it’s like down there and I’d hate to do that to anyone.