Fake and Stronger

Mark had a concert last night. He has had this particular one at a park for years it feels like. The kids always have a blast, many of our church family go. It’s amazing how the kids fell asleep last night. As I sat there and watched Mark, or visited with friends. It all felt so familiar and almost unreal. I wondered why she never came to his concerts, or maybe she did. I never saw her. After the concert we did our communication homework. We’ve been altering days sitting knee to knee for 20 minutes talking about our lives from birth-9 yrs, 9-15, and next is 15-21. Me being the talker that I am it still is hard to do. I told him things I haven’t remembered or wanted to ever remember. Then we watched the t.v. show Longmire. I used to love watching that show with him. Funny it had infidelity in it not once, but twice. I wasn’t really bothered by it. But I remember looking at the clock, the t.v., Mark and thinking to myself

This isn’t my life, this cannot be happening to me.

Mark could tell I was not doing well, and that man refused to let me not look at him. It’s easier to go to pissed off land if I am not staring him in the face. He wanted me to deal with the anger, denial, and it was a valiant attempt. I just cried. Once again slow learner but it’s nice to know I’m not the only one who feels at times her life is fake. She blogs in blogspot. I hate that, because it’s such a pain in the neck to comment. Her post was nice to read yesterday The Voices Inside My Head. But I do feel like this is fake sometimes. My life is not real, Mark makes sure I know this is real, but I have  a hard time accepting this new reality. Where things are not how they should be, everything similar, yet so painfully different that the reality seems clouded.

I long for the days where I don’t look at Mark and imagine her being all over him and liking it. It takes me to a whole new place of crazy, even though he says he regrets ever doing anything with her. He doesn’t regret me, but somehow that is little comfort at this time. I long for the days I don’t think of her in my house not just screwing my husband, but on my couch, in my dining room hanging out with me.

But as the title says I feel a bit stronger. I want to take better care of myself, not for looks, not for Mark, just to feel better. I am thinking about taking a kickboxing class at the Y. A new pal of mine whom I’ve know for awhile. I will call her Kick. Kick is funny, and she is one of our son’s sponsor’s for camp. I plan on getting together with Kick and laughing. Kick is hilarious and we seem to be kindred spirits in the abrasive department of life. Kick I think comes from a similar background as I do which there is a comfort  I am missing in my life.

Speaking of funny if you like vulgar funniness and don’t want to read about infidelity, or non-fiction check this chick out

Her blog is titled “It’s not my fault: A completely inappropriate blog” The gal is pretty hilarious, and if those are her real pictures drop-dead gorgeous, she talks about boobs and sex a lot. I warned you. Alright well off to get dressed and get something else cleaned that I’ve neglected for far too long. Going to go shopping tonight for our princess who will be one tomorrow. Time to celebrate. This song always puts me in the mood to celebrate

 

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One thought on “Fake and Stronger

  1. I’m sorry for what you are going through! I used to have a husband I hated too! lol

    Just wanted to say, thanks for the shout out, it’s much appreciated!!!

    Now, go kick some ass at the Y! Sounds fun to me!

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