So GTFAFMM means I’m having a “Get the Fuck Away From Me Moment”.. I wish it wasn’t so long the acronym or I would use it more. But I tried, I tried to put this affair crap aside to have a decent date night. To not be like my parents who make everything about them even on squishy baby’s birthday which is today. We laughed on our date, I put my arm under his arm. We smiled. We even had to get Gas-X which I don’t think really works but we both needed it. Never going back to that restaurant again. We shopped for squishy baby. We were kissing in Wal-Mart and somewhat having fun. His face looks like the face I knew, a face that wouldn’t stab me in the back, but I know better now..
During the date or even during our life together there are questions I want to ask, things I feel I need to get off of my chest and the urgency is pretty urgent at that time.
But I don’t ask them sometimes, I feel like what’s the use. Well on date nights it just makes things worse, on our baby’s birthday? No.. just leave it alone. And then the urgency dissipates to where does it even matter? Why bring up things he won’t remember, or possibly bring up new things? And then I have my GTFAFMM, because that’s all I can do to get out of this pain for a moment. Are my thoughts real? Are they helpful or harmful? How can I tell? So as I’m processing I get tired, irritated, and just want it all to go away.
This is where I start romanticizing my escape from him, he should understand all about escape, but he never seems to want me to have my moment.
He doesn’t like me talking about when we find someone new. I don’t understand his urgency to repair this marriage maybe not urgency, but he has such a passion to make this work. It confuses me. I don’t understand how someone can consciously tear down something for years and then have the audacity to start building a new with such fervor and I feel not fully be aware of the confusion he has caused.
It’s like a construction crew took 2 years to build a structure then the supervisor just blows the bitch up for no reason. The crew is confused, many like the structure, people use the structure, now it’s gone. Then the supervisor is like awww.. I made a mistake we need to build the structure back up again.. sorry everyone makes mistakes.
Is the crew going to be receptive to that? Fuck No!! Blood, sweat, tears, time away from family, away from loved ones, things they loved to put the effort in and you Motherfucker just blew it up because you wanted to. Now you want me to build you a new one and be okay that I’m suffering for your dumb mistake.. and two words could some up how I feel.
I am one confused individual. Somethings I think I’m doing right in all this reconciling stupidity only to find out I was wrong or could have done things a bit better.. yes today reconciling with Mark is stupid. Right now Mark is in GTFAMM status which I feel I wouldn’t mind for years.. but I’m venting because I’m not going to go all ape shit crazy on him on squishy baby’s day. But I really don’t need to go all psycho for this affair, or for Mark ever. I thought about going all Angry, Crazy and when it would be suitable. Okay not today it’s squishy’s birthday, but I really don’t want to hold it in because it will get worse. Then I thought..
Going all Angry Crazy, there is no perfect time.. ever.. being angry/crazy is not worth my time, effort, or energy.
Because I get easily weary from all of this. Today I woke up hating him, I went to bed hating him, and this morning I was thinking when would be a great time to unleash the fury on his ass. But there will never be a great time. I know I will regret unleashing the fury and staying in POL more than I should. Not because my feelings aren’t worthy of unleashing, it’s just that by not focusing on the things that matter, I seem to get caught up in things that don’t.
What matters to me are our kids, my faith, and the want to live abundantly with joy.
I want those things and Mark doesn’t have the power to take them away. When I look at him sometimes my life does seem miserable. I let Mark’s dumb choices affect me. Hell they were going to whether I liked it or not. But I can choose a different path, one that necessarily doesn’t involve divorcing him, or kicking him to the curb. But one where I can still love him, but keep a distance.. because what I feel for him and what I want to say to him right now are going to rip this family apart. That whole vow of silence thing.
To choose not to fester about what I want to say or feel. But acknowledge these feelings even if voiced will not be recognized because I don’t have the right words, or emotions behind the words anyway.
This morning I looked at my bedroom door and remembered staring at it after he walked out, after I hit him with my laptop numerous times and screamed “I hate you!!” when I found out he actually had been sleeping with her. I remembered that moment and realized this blog is true to it’s core because I do hate Mark so much, but I have to make the effort not to hate him. Oh I would love to hate him, leave him, and move back to where the grey makes me happy. But that is not my life. I have 4 children that didn’t get a choice to be in this family. Squishy baby didn’t get a choice, I didn’t get a choice to not have sex with him, to not have 1 more child.
Rizzo told me yesterday if her husband had stepped out she would have held on because of Jesus and for her kids.
Which made me question my faith because honestly I believe Jesus is amazing and well if I believe He died on the cross for my sins and I can’t keep my shit together to want to save this family because He is calling me to love Mark. I just want to do what I want to do, then maybe I really need to get to know the Jesus that I claim to love a bit better.
Well enough of my ranting and raving. I’m tired and I just woke up. Going to go feed the minions and pay attention to my sweet daughter who was born today. I think I may go see my pal Glasses who came to see me after I delivered this precious baby of ours. Glasses wasn’t deceiving me on that day, or our family. Glasses and her family brought me a huge basket to my room filled with treats and things. I hope Glasses isn’t busy.