I awoke feeling a sense of relief. I was going to wake up and take a shower. I called Frenchie we spoke for a bit, and then Books. Mark and I are at a standstill with our recovery. Apparently we both suck at separating. I know God wants me to be close by him. I do feel better if I’m choosing to recover from all of this. Because in reconciliation there is a whole family. The one where a Mom, Dad and four children chose to walk together instead of apart. Although most of the time I just want the pain to stop. I want this nightmare to end that I could marry such a cruel person. Mark claims he no longer wants to be that person, but I have my doubts. I find him in running the same conversations, bearing the same resentments. He is too comfortable, I suppose I am too. It’s nice having him here, but if I am choosing to do the marriage bit then I must press on to see if this wreck of a marriage can be saved. But most of the time I have to confess I want the process to speed up so I can get out and start a new beginning on my own, with our children. Mark says I’m romanticizing about the future. But I like romanticizing about a bright future for me, one where I won’t ever settle for someone who doesn’t appreciate me, or undervalue my love for them. I will know now, I’ve lived through it and can tell the signs all too well.
I know I won’t settle again.
I just want to be in a better place.
I know this isn’t it.
Taking the kids to go swimming and visit with Rizzo.