A Low and Other Rants and Raves

*** Disclaimer this is a insanely long post 🙂 **

Yup yesterday was a low day for me. S deleted a bunch of her husband pins, because I quite well called her a bitch in a few of them. She never answered any of those pins when I asked her if she was referring to my husband too. Good old S to the rescue for being non-confrontational. Old habits die hard I guess… in case you are wondering

I am still hating that skanky whore right now. 

However I do want to get out of it and get back to living life instead of having a few bad days of absolutely being pissed off. Yup I not only went to POL I camped out for a few days and it did nothing for me. Absolutely nothing except make me regret my choices for my little Pinterest tirade. I could not choose my consequences after that. There is no deleting your comments on Pinterest and I wasn’t planning on doing that anyway. I didn’t think of her family, or mine. Our boy gets on Pinterest from time to time too. So that was my somewhat little wake up call that my healing process has gone a bit downhill

I have not been keeping up my recovery like I should

I would love to know what exactly I am recovering from besides being married to M (yeah he doesn’t get a name today but an initial) and learning how to do this dance. I mean what is it? Betrayal, Being completely mind-fucked by the both of them, Infidelity, That M was so sick he thought he loved the lying whore, how could I be best buds with a lying whore and not know it, ugh I suppose the list goes on.

Huge Positive I guess is the lying, deceitful asshole of a woman in my life is GONE.. 

So I have that going for me. That bitch will not be watching my kiddos or being near them or me to ever  lie or deceive us again. She won’t be in my house to play out her pretend friendship with me as if she cares about me  or my kids. Yes, yes that asshat is out of my life for good. Yeah she gets to be the OW in our marriage and at first I was all bent about that. That’s part of our marriage story if it survives she’s always in it. But you know what?

It’s not like M and I will be looking back at her ever being in our life as a positive thing. Fuck no.. She’s on the list of shit things that have happened to us. 

  • Sewage leaking in our basement
  • Iraqi deployment
  • my infusions
  • bone marrow test
  • S the cunt-bag who thought it was okay to FB my husband, because he wasn’t seeking her out that is for dam sure..

 

Yup I would have put her below sewage but whatever she’s the last on my list. She will always be. There are no fond memories of S and me ever anymore. She’s just the whore that slept with my husband. She will always be that for me now. I don’t know if she always will be that, I mean I would love to know the future and how I see things later on. I do hope S is suffering though, when I think about it I smile. She can’t be too bad since she has Bob. Bob is a faithful husband and standing by her, and her precious kiddos need a Mom. Not the slut-bag who did this. But I do I hope she suffers on the inside a slow pain. I hope every time she tries to befriend another woman she thinks about what a whore she once was. In fact she was my whore too and I was sleeping with Bob as well.

I mean seriously my husband was sleeping with her and me and she was sleeping with Bob. All unprotected sex mind you.

It makes me feel better to know S was my whore too and that in a roundabout way I was sleeping with Bob. Kind of evens the playing field even if Bob and I didn’t know about it. Now we do. Okay, Okay I told you I was supposed to be coming out of POL. So even though I’ve been slightly angry (yeah you can laugh I did as I typed that but I’m keeping it) the kids and I have been going to the library and I have enjoyed reading books not about infidelity, or how to save this sick marriage. I went through a few cookbooks and now onto How to think like a Freak. It’s interesting just lettig my mind take in new information that has nothing to do with the pain.

All the books keep me busy, while I blog and figure out how to simplify my life. Because I’m not going to be wasting my time cooking and cleaning in this house anymore. 

Nope that chic is gone the one who stressed about planning meals, budgets, cooking, cleaning, calling customer service, hell calling anyone for this household. Nope not fucking doing it, or if I do those things it will because I want to, not because I’m the one who always did it. Yeah I have to say that is freeing. I have a bunch more leeway in my marriage. Am I solely doing laundry now.. Nope.. Cooking?? Nope.. Cleaning?? Nope.. I just don’t stress out about that stuff anymore. I suppose I have replaced that stress in my life with all this surviving infidelity crap. But I think that if I’m aware it’s taking up too much of my time then things must change.

I think the best thing about M choosing to throw me under the bus is that I re-evaluate what is going on in my life and look at my life differently instead of this pre-planned map. 

Anyways I am wanting to start a vlog about surviving infidelity. No, No, not that I have answers but just make funny videos, book reviews, and give others some hope. Because unfortunately some poor souls D-day is today and they have no one to talk to or go. I just need to figure out a costume, or face mask or something.. and how to make sure I am anonymous because IP addy’s are everywhere.

Oh and today I felt attracted to M we had a horrible conversation that went wrong. Bad delivery on my part. We were going to separate again, but we stayed the course. We had a family meeting and discussed with the kids who was the leader in our house and those precious blessings pointed to M. That kind of stuff gets to me because it’s true. M has been a great leader for our family. A diligent provider, active diaper changing, rocking them to sleep, playing with them Dad, and is fiscally responsible. Yeah he slept with a whore, but honestly he was a whore too and that makes me sad 😦 but for the most part like Rizzo and Frenchie tell me he’s not a throw-away and if I get off my high horse nether is S.

And I meant that in the nicest way possible. But she’s a throw-away for me, just not for her kids and Bob 🙂 

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “A Low and Other Rants and Raves

  1. Hey there. Yep, we guessed about the madness yesterday. Hey, just breathe. Always remember those kids and Bob who is also trying desperately to heal, they don’t deserve any more than they already have to deal with, especially Bob, the kids probably don’t know details.

    I remember being told by the first marriage counsellor we saw that although we were several months in (? I don’t even recall timelines about that now!) that it was completely normal to have those moments. I can remember him drawing us a picture, an earth cross-section with me (stick figure, that was about right then, I was stick thin on the post-infidelity diet, lol) walking along and falling in the first pit, then climbing up, but later falling in AN EVEN DEEPER pit. The distance between the pits lengthened on the path, but the pits got DEEPER for a long while. That completely floored me. I was feeling as BAD as it was possible to feel, wasn’t I? Holy crap, I couldn’t possibly fall in deeper pits, I was in the deepest one ever!

    But, he was right. Dammit! I couldn’t believe he was right!

    When I got suicidal, and attempted for the first time (yep, I tired twice, embarrassing!) it was five months after D-day. Before that I was sure we would make it. Rog was so damn ashamed, so damn loving, so absolutely gutted he had been such a fuckwit. He answered everything, he went to counselling, he gave me his phone, and showed me every message she sent him, etc, etc. Hell, that DESERVES healing, right? If he was so sad and wanted to do anything, anything at all to make me better, and he would do this FOREVER, of course we would heal. No question.

    Unfortunately, human emotions are not so easily duped. We never forget, we feel permanently damaged by the actions of others. Yes, we get “better,” but better does not mean whole again. That is impossible. It is a really long journey to acceptance. We have no choice, together or apart, we have no choice but to accept that the person we trusted, loved, just totally adored and respected, was a cheat. A liar. A thief. A bad father. A bad husband/partner. Because, no matter how good a person he is NOW, no matter how good a person he was BEFORE, he did all of those things, he really did. There is no denying it, for a period in his life, he hurt the people who had his back more than anyone ever did, more than anyone ever will. Because he felt entitled. Because he didn’t care for us the way we did for him.

    I remember seeing a quote one day on FB about how in any relationship a man needs to love the woman MORE than the woman loves the man. I recall thinking, bullshit, it needs to be equal! But now I agree 1000%. I think a man needs to totally adore his partner, because then surely he could never cause her this agony, whereas I believe it doesn’t work quite the same way for women who cheat, can’t really articulate why completely, just that it is more unusual for women to feel so damn entitled – although the current trend for parents to dote on and “princessify” their daughters does scare the crap out of me, I see a lot of women who have been brought up this way, and hell yeah, they are really entitled princesses, high maintenance bitches! If that man doesn’t jump, and THIS high, look out!

Comment Here!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s