I hate the word Rebuilding..

So many articles seem to be focused on rebuilding in regards to infidelity. Rebuilding your marriage, rebuilding the relationship, rebuilding yourself.

**Disclaimer I am in POL** 

Fuck you motherfuckers!! Is all I can say to that. Rebuild? Bitch I’m still here and I liked myself (okay well I had self-esteem issues who the fuck doesn’t?) before those assholes decided to fuck each other behind Bob and I’s back.

Rebuild huh? so where does the crap marriage go to die, does that include the kids too? Because all 4 of mine are alive and kicking and need breakfast right now.

Where did I off and die to? Because I’m still breathing bitches.. (maniacal laugh inserted) I’m not the same person I was after this happened for sure. But I’m not the same woman who thinks Kaboom is a waste of money and won’t get rid of soap scum either. I’m not fucking rebuilding myself took my ass almost 35 years to get here. I don’t feel like I have another 35 to start over.

And if I could rebuild anything it would be my life. I would have never gotten married, looked at M EVER!! If I could rebuild and start from scratch I would fucking see his ass and run..

Yeah so that word rebuilding doesn’t do a dam thing for me.

But Frenchie’s husband did talk about getting to a new level last night. About levels in marriage and I can identify with that. Also I’m a gamer I like getting to a new level, the next level.

So as M and I prayed this morning. I knew today would be fucked up.. Forgiveness is a process that I read could be an hour by hour choice. I thought I could just say I forgive them and move on.. FML people.. FML..

3. Practice forgiveness every day – maybe even every hour. This is one of the key tips on how to forgive cheating in a Christian marriage, and for improving your emotional and mental health. Your spouse made a mistake, and it tore at the fabric of your relationship – but that doesn’t mean you both have to pay for it forever! To overcome infidelity and rebuild your marriage, you have to forgive him and yourself. Forgiveness is a conscious choice you need to make every day. The more you choose to focus on love, trust, and forgiveness, the easier it gets. And, part of forgiving and reconnecting is learning why your spouse cheated in the first place.

Here’s to choosing forgiveness little by little.. fucking assholes M and S are. If life isn’t fucking hard enough.. Maybe I need to find me some new boyfriends like Katie.. http://theoppositesideofthestreet.wordpress.com/2014/07/07/my-new-boyfriends/  

 

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8 thoughts on “I hate the word Rebuilding..

  1. I hope what I’m thinking comes out right, if not… sorry. I know you’re focusing hard on forgiveness, and that is important, but don’t push yourself too hard to forgive if you’re not ready yet. The thing that is getting me through this as I move phase to phase is really letting myself feel what I feel. If I feel at peace on a given day, fantastic! If I feel like wallowing in sadness and pity, well, I let myself do that too. I decided somewhere in the early days of this mess not to make myself do or feel anything at all. I’m on a roller coaster and the controls are out of my hands. I’m just along for the ride. Once I gave myself permission not to control my thoughts and feelings that took a ton of pressure off me and I think I’m doing better because of it. If I’m having a bad day, I just tell him “It’s a bad day”. He knows what that means and he tries to read what that means for him… sometimes it’s more hugs without saying anything at all, sometimes it’s staying far away from me, sometimes it’s letting me drink a whole bottle of wine and just making sure I make it to bed OK afterward. The point is, I don’t make excuses for how I feel (he knows I have the best excuse in the world), and I don’t make myself stop feeling that way. I just let it run it’s course. I really hope that helps you in some way. I feel your pain through your blog and wish I could help. I know that pain soooo well.

    • Thanks I always lo your comments 🙂 I have done that for awhile but feel too out of control. I feel I need to get myself together I cannot live this way much longer. My kids need me.. hell I need me.. I do not need to go off the deep end again.
      But hell what do I know sometimes I think this will help, or that will help sometimes it does sometimes it doesn’t..

  2. I had to stop focusing on forgiveness and instead focus on letting go of the hate. With hate in your heart you can’t move on, it weighs you down and keeps you there in the dark. You’d look like a cartoon character, legs spinning fast, clouds of dust behind you but no progress being made.

    I also started looking to find mercy instead of forgiveness (I’d link you to that blog post but I’m computer illiterate). Another thing I think you need to do first? Forgive yourself…ain’t it a bitch but it’s true.

    Hugs in your anger and sadness, it does get better.

    • It’s hard Kell sometimes I hate and then I can love. I’m tired of the whole deal of it. I just want him far away from me but I know that is an unhealthy coping mechanism for me and the kiddos.

      Because I’m not dealing with the pain with him.. Usually I am a confrontationalist, but the pain is just too great lately it seems.. thanks for reminding me to forgive myself too..

      Thanks for the encouragement ❤

  3. I looked back through my blog and it’s titled “Mercy” lol I never know what song title I used.

    I also am working on acceptance, 20 months in and I’m almost there. But I still believe figuring out how to let go of the hate.

    • I’ve been trying Kell I’m going to go over all my experiments seems I am good at the idea of not hating him, titling my blog after not hating him, and well the implementation not so awesome.. Here’s to not hating?? 🙂 I will check out the Mercy and I’ve missed ya!! 🙂

  4. I agree, fuck forgiveness. Start small. Work on accepting that it happened. Sounds simple. Isn’t. After 3 years I still feel like I’m going to wake up and find it’s all a nightmare. Acceptance that it happened let’s you work out what you think of M long term. You probably won’t hate him as it takes too much energy over time. But you may be overwhelmingly disgusted and that’s not forgiveness or love. You may love him. You may forgive him. Who knows? But you’ve got to get to accepting that it happened first. JMO.

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