I wonder if M forgot, because I haven’t

In this whole infidelity crap it seems I have no idea what M is capable of or thinking. Lately he’s been pretty open, but what does that mean?

He’ll do anything to keep me even when he didn’t care to hurt me. Lie, Deceive, Betray

Now afterwards its Honesty, Transparency, Loyalty (for like 2 months yeah he was still lying to me the first month all this went down)

Sometimes he forgets. But then again he’s a man who can’t seem to remember certain details or thoughts throughout the very thing that tore his world apart, the very thing that he thought he needed most.. he can’t remember, not sure, uhhh.. maybe

But I wonder if he forgot back in April 2012.. I was heartbroken, I was torn, I was ready to leave him but knew better. Not good for kids or me. Him having a drunken stupor has happened before and hurt people. Before touching the whore incident, one new year’s he told our neighbors their religion sucked. We were at their house and he never apologized. 

He also got drunk when we were dating a bunch for fun. I figured why would he lie about touching the whore? Why would she lie to me too? Oh well.. you all know the story about why I hate.. Anyways I feel like with all his endurance his perseverance in this saving marriage shit fest.. He forgets I’ve already been here, it’s just worse this time.

Way worse.. so as I learn about forgiveness, mercy, grace, love again and how it’s not a one and done thing with living how you thought so little of me M.. (yeah I’m talking to you!)

You think after going through this the first time with M I would be stronger. But I think the deceit did me in. Yeah I know how to forgive, move on.. but this.. this shit of I hated you, wanted you, okay hurting you, now not okay hurting you knowing his true feelings about me. How the bitch was constantly around me, our kids, talking to me, FB’ing me, how it all was this disgusting game between them with me in the middle. 

It disgusts me and makes me want to vomit but I swear people I think he forgot about April 2012, he forgets I’ve been here before with him saving our marriage, because for him it’s the first time..

Motherfucker.. 😦

 

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4 thoughts on “I wonder if M forgot, because I haven’t

  1. Well I agree they’re all motherfuckers, just try to hang in there, it’ will be 2 years this Sept. for me & things are some better! They will never be the same & that is sad, but remember it’s not your fault, try to hang in there, time will help with some of the pain! Hugs from Joan

    • Love you Joan thanks yeah I guess I’m just reliving that I tried to save our marriage 2+ years ago. S was watching our children while we were going to counseling how fucked up is that?
      You know I truly did forgive him the first time Joan I did, I saw how I contributed to alot of grief in our marriage, I put in the work Joan, counseling (counseling didn’t work), so we tried bible studies those worked, and I saw how I treated him and how I wanted to be better for him..
      But that motherfucker was fucking her the whole time okay not the whole time just every other week month or whatever he says.. 😦

  2. I cannot imagine going through this again, I am so sorry you find yourself trying to save your marriage again! I hope he is kissing your ass big time, if not he should be! Over these almost 2 years, my husband has been doing everything he can to help me get through this, as he should be, I didn’t ask for this & neither did you! You deserve his complete attention to you at this time, & I hope he is doing his best to make sure this will never happen again, it sounds as though you have & are doing everything you can, so he better step his sorry cheating ass up to the plate for you, he owes you that & so much more! Hugs from Joan

  3. I apologize now for where I’m about to go. I think I just need to not comment when I’m in this frame of mind, but I can’t seem to help myself… instead of propping each other up and encouraging ourselves to keep making our shit marriages better places to stay, can’t we just all get an island together in the Carribbean somewhere and encourage or growth and healing WITHOUT our craptastic husbands? Just today’s thought process. Sorry. Hugs to you, really, though. You are not alone in feeling how you feel.

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