In this whole infidelity crap it seems I have no idea what M is capable of or thinking. Lately he’s been pretty open, but what does that mean?
He’ll do anything to keep me even when he didn’t care to hurt me. Lie, Deceive, Betray
Now afterwards its Honesty, Transparency, Loyalty (for like 2 months yeah he was still lying to me the first month all this went down)
Sometimes he forgets. But then again he’s a man who can’t seem to remember certain details or thoughts throughout the very thing that tore his world apart, the very thing that he thought he needed most.. he can’t remember, not sure, uhhh.. maybe
But I wonder if he forgot back in April 2012.. I was heartbroken, I was torn, I was ready to leave him but knew better. Not good for kids or me. Him having a drunken stupor has happened before and hurt people. Before touching the whore incident, one new year’s he told our neighbors their religion sucked. We were at their house and he never apologized.
He also got drunk when we were dating a bunch for fun. I figured why would he lie about touching the whore? Why would she lie to me too? Oh well.. you all know the story about why I hate.. Anyways I feel like with all his endurance his perseverance in this saving marriage shit fest.. He forgets I’ve already been here, it’s just worse this time.
Way worse.. so as I learn about forgiveness, mercy, grace, love again and how it’s not a one and done thing with living how you thought so little of me M.. (yeah I’m talking to you!)
You think after going through this the first time with M I would be stronger. But I think the deceit did me in. Yeah I know how to forgive, move on.. but this.. this shit of I hated you, wanted you, okay hurting you, now not okay hurting you knowing his true feelings about me. How the bitch was constantly around me, our kids, talking to me, FB’ing me, how it all was this disgusting game between them with me in the middle.
It disgusts me and makes me want to vomit but I swear people I think he forgot about April 2012, he forgets I’ve been here before with him saving our marriage, because for him it’s the first time..