Prayers and Out of Control

So after the dinner fiasco last night M goes to a meeting and I put the girls to bed. Squishy is learning to sleep and accept her crib. One day at a time 🙂

The girls and I pray. My oldest prays about her Grandpas and that she can go to Jessie’s (Bob’s daughter) house again, and that Mom and S can be friends again. Then my middle daughter chimes in saying “I miss Jessie we never get to see her anymore”.

Poor M he had no idea the rage when I finished coming out of that room full of love and missing a friend. He had just gotten home. I push him and call him a whore. I want to take my girl’s up to S’s house and make her say sorry to my girls for being such a whore too.

M thinks it’s a bad idea to involve the kids.. (I am aware now, but yesterday the plan seemed solid)

The night just got worse as time went on. Everyone was asleep I was not.. then I decided to leave

I was going to leave. Just fuck it all, I tried to pack a bag but Squishy kept making noises every time I opened a drawer in the dark. Her crib is in our room.
Fuck it.. I can buy whatever I need at Wal-Mart

I grabbed  a dirty shirt off the bathroom floor put it on looked at myself in the mirror and was not impressed with the chic staring back at me who looked like hell..

Fuck it.. I can doll up later

M was sleeping on the couch and I thought, I should call someone. Nah it’s late and I’m done with this, he’s going to tell me to stay anyway.

Fuck it.. I’m leaving

But I stare at him sleeping on the couch in the dark and think this is how the other woman did it. The Snapped ones on T.V. I could see how the rage just gets to a person.

Fuck it.. I’m waking his ass up (he does wake as if I am going to do something to him)

We talk nothing gets better.. I leave thinking I’m never returning.. As I’m driving I’m thinking where the fuck am I going and what if I get too far? What if something happens to the kids and I’m too far to get to them fast? How can I leave our children? This is going to be expensive just driving far away. I will be taking money away from our children doing this.

All the thoughts.. and then I wind up back home.

M looks like he’s crying while rocking Squishy, I can’t tell. Before I left I told him good luck, enjoy being a single parent, and I hope the new woman he replaces me with will be grand. Or something to that extent. I put Squishy to bed and take my raging ass to bed too..

I look forward to waking up one day and this living nightmare to be over.

 

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6 thoughts on “Prayers and Out of Control

  1. Made me want to cry when I read this. The darkness seems so thick. And the part about Jessie and your littles. I hate that you have to go threw this.

  2. I feel so deeply for you and the pain you’re going through. I feel like I walk a tightrope every day with whether to stay married or start fresh, but at least I have the peace of knowing our children are grown and on their own. I, too, dream of getting in the car and just driving… driving until I run out of land altogether. Until there is nothing in front of me but ocean. The bad thing (and I think you know this, too) is that the baggage stays with us no matter how near or far we are. I learned that when I drove to Orlando from Cincinnati last year to get away from it all. I didn’t feel any different sitting in an Atlanta hotel room than I did sitting in my own room. I wish so bad I could do something to help you through this. Hugs!!! Brighter days will come eventually.

  3. Been there. The pain and utter grief and downright madness of infidelity. As once said above, sadly you can’t outrun this shit! That is the stinger. Every morning for at least two years on waking I ever-so-briefly hoped it wasn’t real. But it always was. It always will be. Your poor babies. Mine were much older than skank-face’s son. They were relieved as he was a spoiled little shit. At the nine month mark I told them all what happened. I had to. I had signed a lease on a rental and I had to let my kids know why I was taking them from their home. As soon as I said’ “sadly, Dad had an affair, did you guys already know?” (Small town, all at high school or middle school, eldest was in her final year, I was genuinely worried they already knew from small town gossip and I wanted to ensure we told them thr truth, not the gossipy version.) All three shook their heads and tears slowly spilled doen their cheeks. No sobbing, just silent tears. From all of them. Then I asked if they knew who. And all three looked at each other then, eyes widened at me. My eldest daughter said, “oh, I think I might?” They genuinely had no idea. But when I said it they all thought the same person. He fucked her when they were in the house. And they never knew. Until then. Then they realised they knew all along. Somewhat like me. I had no clue. But I must have just been fucking stupid! The kids are what are important. Wish I could hug mine like I used to. I know I must love them, but I just feel so blah, I seem to be on mum auto pilot, going through the motions.

    I hate Roger and Leanne for making me lose my emotional connections. To anyone. Arseholes. Mmm. Hate? Weird word. Don’t really even FEEL that. Just blah. Just feel slightly negative about them. And everyone else on the fucking planet. Cool. Sorry. That just fell out of me as I plinked out a response to your plight on my phone.

  4. You don’t know me, But I read your posts every night. This post was especially hard for me to read, you see like you there have been so many times I feel like just driving away and never coming back, but I don’t even make it to the car, my little girl doesn’t deserve that. I have not really had an official D-day as my hubs keeps denying everything, but my heart tells me different! Thank you for putting all your thoughts out there for those of us who can’t seem to find our voice.

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