So after the dinner fiasco last night M goes to a meeting and I put the girls to bed. Squishy is learning to sleep and accept her crib. One day at a time 🙂
The girls and I pray. My oldest prays about her Grandpas and that she can go to Jessie’s (Bob’s daughter) house again, and that Mom and S can be friends again. Then my middle daughter chimes in saying “I miss Jessie we never get to see her anymore”.
Poor M he had no idea the rage when I finished coming out of that room full of love and missing a friend. He had just gotten home. I push him and call him a whore. I want to take my girl’s up to S’s house and make her say sorry to my girls for being such a whore too.
M thinks it’s a bad idea to involve the kids.. (I am aware now, but yesterday the plan seemed solid)
The night just got worse as time went on. Everyone was asleep I was not.. then I decided to leave
I was going to leave. Just fuck it all, I tried to pack a bag but Squishy kept making noises every time I opened a drawer in the dark. Her crib is in our room.
Fuck it.. I can buy whatever I need at Wal-Mart
I grabbed a dirty shirt off the bathroom floor put it on looked at myself in the mirror and was not impressed with the chic staring back at me who looked like hell..
Fuck it.. I can doll up later
M was sleeping on the couch and I thought, I should call someone. Nah it’s late and I’m done with this, he’s going to tell me to stay anyway.
Fuck it.. I’m leaving
But I stare at him sleeping on the couch in the dark and think this is how the other woman did it. The Snapped ones on T.V. I could see how the rage just gets to a person.
Fuck it.. I’m waking his ass up (he does wake as if I am going to do something to him)
We talk nothing gets better.. I leave thinking I’m never returning.. As I’m driving I’m thinking where the fuck am I going and what if I get too far? What if something happens to the kids and I’m too far to get to them fast? How can I leave our children? This is going to be expensive just driving far away. I will be taking money away from our children doing this.
All the thoughts.. and then I wind up back home.
M looks like he’s crying while rocking Squishy, I can’t tell. Before I left I told him good luck, enjoy being a single parent, and I hope the new woman he replaces me with will be grand. Or something to that extent. I put Squishy to bed and take my raging ass to bed too..
I look forward to waking up one day and this living nightmare to be over.