Cake in my hair

I just had to wash cake out of my hair. Cookies and cake today taste amazing. I do have a slight problem with sweets and I almost thought that I am returning to my old self. Now I am stuffed, have a headache, and don’t feel so hot. Seems like old self being on the infidelity diet can’t pack away the food like she used to so maybe this whole process hasn’t been a total wash.

Today’s therapy appointment went insanely well. 

I mean I am so impressed with my counselor, but maybe I’m impressed with myself too. Yes I know I have an anger problem, even worse now. But I feel like I’m waking up to my life again, but I’m also sad that I have to deal with the whole M situation. I just appreciate the way therapy is working out for me. I curse, I cry, we figure out how to solve my problems.

With my anger I know I drive myself crazy thinking about the betrayal. The constant betrayal for 2+ years. Her being sad when I called her and asked her if my husband touched her. Me apologizing to her for the incident. Him just playing along with their sick game. Honestly it is helping a bit to type it out. I have got to accept it, find someway to dig dip and find out how to accept what has happened, how they chose to lie, deceive, and betray me until the very end. Counselor said it’s okay to go down the Rabbit Hole but I go way too far down.

Yes, I know it’s not healthy. I can make myself sick over it. Many have told me the same thing, but I just don’t know how to. I am processing the idea and thinking about how I can accept them being okay to lie and fuck around on me for years.

I guess I feel like I equated acceptance with the idea that what happened is okay. When we all know IT WAS NOT OKAY!! So how can I accept what they’ve done when I remember her coming up to my house with smiles, when I think back on the past 2+ years and accept what they did to me, Bob, our families. I have a hard time even wrapping my head around the idea. Even thinking about accepting the past a little makes me want to hide under a rock

Or throw a Rock! Throw a boulder more like it!

I want to go  to a place opposite of POL. I don’t know what that is, but I am okay with trying. Like making  a new recipe. I have the ingredients and tools that make me believe I can accomplish the task. I can try. I can try and look back it’s so crazy I can still see her face, his face, different times, places, conversations. How deep their bullshit went to protect themselves and no one else. S is gone but M is still here. Why the FUCK is he still here!  Well we can all see today is truly

Not the Day.. Nope but it’s something to try and practice.

I also think I need to start working out, people have been telling me it will help with the aggression. I will try. I think I’ll start tomorrow, you know after the cake settles 🙂 No seriously I am going to bust out my Turbo Fire tomorrow. Well it’s time for me to do something

Here’s to the evening, to looking for acceptance.. I guess in a somewhat, calm, sugar laden state that I am in I just see sadness with accepting what they did. I don’t see it as freedom, or me letting go to be happy. I just see sadness, grief, and pain. Also I feel neither of them have been punished, justice has not been served!! The cruelty, cold-hearted, lack of compassion they should be punished right?? But there will never be a punishment that will suffice for me against them both. Those two in my heart deserve a special spot in hell. But with that comes so much judgement, bitterness, and resentment. I can’t live like that. To live like that would make me just like them.

I would be someone who is fine hurting me, and I’m not okay with that. Not at all.

I made dinner again tonight. We are going to eat shredded beef tacos. Here’s to me not flipping out like the last time I made dinner.

9 thoughts on “Cake in my hair

  1. I definitely recommend exercise. When I was at the beginning of this crappy journey, I would push myself harder than I ever knew I could during exercise.

    It was the only thing that helped with my emotional pain. It was like if I was physically maxed out, I couldn’t feel the pain from my husband’s infidelity. I remember telling him at the time that the only time I wasn’t in pain was if I was exercising hard or having an orgasm.

    Luckily I’m past the pain for the most part, but I still do the exercising (and orgasms)!

  2. Yes! to the exercise! I’ve started running- i’ve never been a runner. But when I run, it makes the insane racing of my heart seem okay. It’s SUPPOSED to be like that when I run. Now if i could get it to stop doing that crazy beating the rest of day it would be great.
    Plus, it gives me something reasonable to say when people ask me about my sudden, drastic, weight loss.
    ‘Oh, I’m running now! It’s not the paralyzing, suffocating grief making me skinny.’

    • Oh Jan you made me laugh.. Yeah there’s always an awkward silence after someone asks me about my weigh loss and I say I’m in paralyzing, suffocating grief 🙂 ❤ No really I love that I might start using it rather than running.. I'm not into punishing my body any more than I already have LOL!! 😉

    • For me I suppose no justice will ever be served. They chose their path and I have to choose mine.
      There is no punishment great enough anyway at least for me.
      I don’t get to punish anyway I suppose. If I did those fuckers would pay. But like my blog I am trying to find a way how not to hate him. This includes S too. Because I have so much more life to live than live in POL. but it’s difficult for me to see lately.. I am slowly opening my eyes to life around me.. Thanks Sissy I’m glad I’m not alone ❤ ❤

      • You are most definitely not alone. Hell I got on here cause I thought I was alone. We’ve told NO ONE in our lives. We get along so well, even through this, that one would never imagine this situation. I want justice though, I want to dole out punishment. I ache to make them cry. Small of me? maybe. I did punish her. She knew full well he was a newlywed and had no qualms fostering his affections. I burned her life. I was the instrument that ended the marriage she nearly had. Many of her friends and family turned her out. Not because they care for me, they’re strangers. She’s Muslim. Adultery is an absolute no no. Although she wasn’t married, he was. I just can’t punish him. I love him too much to hurt him in any way. So I have a quandary. *sigh* dammit

  3. Exercise was my preferred method of self harm, to try to beat the pain of what they did. Everyone in my town knew what they did, so no one bothered to ask why I got so skinny. First and only time in my life I couldn’t eat – for around a year I forced enough food down to survive, and ran like I was being chased! Kept the weight off for just over two years. I still run, but I no longer have the frantic need to self punish (dammit, was great for weight loss!) Sadly, the weight crept back on two years later when they mediated me briefly – I say crept, but I gained 9kg in two months, so there was no creeping, it was a full frontal attack by fat – and I wasn’t eating much, and still doing the same intensity exercise – as I said to the psychiatrist – holy hell, I don’t think I was depressed before (just grieving) but I sure as heck am now!

    On acceptance, it takes a really long time. It is like this really weird thing, you KNOW it happened, but you kind of keep hoping it will disappear and your old, faithful life will magically re-appear, even though you KNOW this is bullshit. I think it was around two years before I found any acceptance. Acceptance is NOT saying it is okay, but just stopping fighting the reality that your life is changed, forever, and not for the better. Acceptance and forgiveness are not even all that closely linked, despite what you think in the beginning. Forgiveness is a difficult beast, and I don’t think you have to forgive, not the way that we traditionally see forgiveness. Worth doing some research about – I think ACT therapy is good about this out there concept – and also EFT, to a small degree.

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