I just had to wash cake out of my hair. Cookies and cake today taste amazing. I do have a slight problem with sweets and I almost thought that I am returning to my old self. Now I am stuffed, have a headache, and don’t feel so hot. Seems like old self being on the infidelity diet can’t pack away the food like she used to so maybe this whole process hasn’t been a total wash.
Today’s therapy appointment went insanely well.
I mean I am so impressed with my counselor, but maybe I’m impressed with myself too. Yes I know I have an anger problem, even worse now. But I feel like I’m waking up to my life again, but I’m also sad that I have to deal with the whole M situation. I just appreciate the way therapy is working out for me. I curse, I cry, we figure out how to solve my problems.
With my anger I know I drive myself crazy thinking about the betrayal. The constant betrayal for 2+ years. Her being sad when I called her and asked her if my husband touched her. Me apologizing to her for the incident. Him just playing along with their sick game. Honestly it is helping a bit to type it out. I have got to accept it, find someway to dig dip and find out how to accept what has happened, how they chose to lie, deceive, and betray me until the very end. Counselor said it’s okay to go down the Rabbit Hole but I go way too far down.
Yes, I know it’s not healthy. I can make myself sick over it. Many have told me the same thing, but I just don’t know how to. I am processing the idea and thinking about how I can accept them being okay to lie and fuck around on me for years.
I guess I feel like I equated acceptance with the idea that what happened is okay. When we all know IT WAS NOT OKAY!! So how can I accept what they’ve done when I remember her coming up to my house with smiles, when I think back on the past 2+ years and accept what they did to me, Bob, our families. I have a hard time even wrapping my head around the idea. Even thinking about accepting the past a little makes me want to hide under a rock
Or throw a Rock! Throw a boulder more like it!
I want to go to a place opposite of POL. I don’t know what that is, but I am okay with trying. Like making a new recipe. I have the ingredients and tools that make me believe I can accomplish the task. I can try. I can try and look back it’s so crazy I can still see her face, his face, different times, places, conversations. How deep their bullshit went to protect themselves and no one else. S is gone but M is still here. Why the FUCK is he still here! Well we can all see today is truly
Not the Day.. Nope but it’s something to try and practice.
I also think I need to start working out, people have been telling me it will help with the aggression. I will try. I think I’ll start tomorrow, you know after the cake settles 🙂 No seriously I am going to bust out my Turbo Fire tomorrow. Well it’s time for me to do something
Here’s to the evening, to looking for acceptance.. I guess in a somewhat, calm, sugar laden state that I am in I just see sadness with accepting what they did. I don’t see it as freedom, or me letting go to be happy. I just see sadness, grief, and pain. Also I feel neither of them have been punished, justice has not been served!! The cruelty, cold-hearted, lack of compassion they should be punished right?? But there will never be a punishment that will suffice for me against them both. Those two in my heart deserve a special spot in hell. But with that comes so much judgement, bitterness, and resentment. I can’t live like that. To live like that would make me just like them.
I would be someone who is fine hurting me, and I’m not okay with that. Not at all.
I made dinner again tonight. We are going to eat shredded beef tacos. Here’s to me not flipping out like the last time I made dinner.