Disappear

Sometimes I think if M would just disappear my life would be grand

I don’t blame him for being angry when I get like this. 

We were just having a normal conversation he has to go to work, I will take care of kids. Then a mind-fuck hit me this is what I do. I have handled things. All the while he was fucking her, being faithful to her not me.

That bitch was doing nothing for him, except fucking him and messaging him consistently.

I was working on a Recap of my experiments and it was taking way too long so I figured I’d do it later. Maybe I need to just finish it now. I just am not okay with I’m sorry. It’s not enough. I doubt it will ever be. His regret, his remorse, it’s not enough.

But the question remains What will be then??

Divorce? Uhh.. I’m kind of over that phase because I’m going to have to deal with cheater man the rest of my life. And at least with him here in this house co-habitating the kids are happy and I am happy sometimes. I think divorce would just piss me off because I would just be mad I have to see him. During drop-offs, kids weddings, all that stuff and when I get like this I feel so fucking hopeless. Because I can never be rid of M unless he disappears.

Then I feel extremely selfish because our kids would extremely miss him. They look for him and enjoy us all together.

This wasn’t the plan M and I had for our marriage and sweet kiddos yet he derailed that train now we are on this track that is only laid piece by piece, sometimes just fucking stagnant. And I want to just kick his ass off and drive the train to some land of Happy-without-M, but I won’t be I’m fooling myself.

He told me some things about his past and I am floored, but he trusted me with his story and it’s something new in our marriage. 

Hell new now. The fucker sure hasn’t been telling me the truth about anything for the 2+ years he was screwing that bitch who called herself my friend. I get he’s been telling me the truth for oh about 2 1/2 months. Sucks for him but to me at times doesn’t fucking count at all.

I think I may reach out to some women who have been cheated on in my church. 

They are available and have reached out to me. I just wasn’t sure how I felt about it, but I think I’m needing more support now. A different kind, some fresh voices but I am wise enough now to know fresh voices aren’t always a good thing. I can’t be any worse off than I am now. I get so angry sometimes and wonder why did I have to be married to such an asshole?

Well as you guessed I’m off in POL land and now must make dinner. 

I must figure out what to do when we get in this stage of our communication. Because I’m just at:

Me: I wish you would disappear

M: That isn’t realistic

Me: I hate you right now

M: What do you want? Would you like me to disappear

Me: Yes, but probably after 2 days I’d be over it

M: So what do we do?

Me: (Seething) I don’t know

Here’s to finding some solutions

 

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