I am not happy with M today. Maybe because I woke up today and thought of them playing footsie behind my back. Because he liked S’s attention. Motherfuckers.
I also have a cavity and am using this blog to passive aggressively not tell M, but who reads this anyway.
I don’t want him to know anything about me anymore. Anything I think, feel, or care about for my future. But he will he always will.
So I need to evaluate my options.
Divorce, Reconcile, Co-habitate
I don’t like either of those three today.
I also need to evaluate why I’ve tried not to hate him for almost 3 months instead of having you all read a nasty, tirade of what I think of M today and how I will love him and have mad passionate sex with him 2 years, days, hours, or minutes later.
So a recap is necessary for me for sure.
Good things today I got my teeth cleaned, I love having my teeth cleaned, and I’m just cleaning up around here. I also got to talk with Frenchie and going to swim with Rizzo today. I have no idea what we are eating for dinner though, but I’m not stressed about that.
Two scenarios that I thought of today concerning M and I
1. We are school children who were tied together. Riding the bus everyday back and forth from school, but a fall-out happened and M keeps asking to sit next to me every morning and afternoon and I say No and go about my business. Sometimes we have to sit next to each other due to a full bus, but it’s tolerated not accepted.
2. M is about to be killed I don’t know what blog made a reference to Mel Gibson BraveHeart but I cannot remember so if it’s you comment please so I can link you. Anyways I think of people putting him somewhere on rocks to die, behead, or hang and I wonder if I will do nothing, with I stop the people, or will I just walk away, silently bow out from the crowd. I used to think someone like me is a coward for doing nothing, but I’m not.
I have been wondering about M and I even becoming friends again. The thought baffles me, you either are for or against someone. I find the choices he’s made of indifference to keep mistress and wife disgusting. Not the infidelity of it all, but the character traits he lacks that I admire in a man, in anyone and how for 2+ years those traits were non-existent to him. Honesty, accountability, trust, integrity, compassion were all void to him for so long. But he gets it now wants to have those traits now.. fucking maddening..
Well here’s to me hopefully getting a recap done tonight and choose love rather than resentment and rage. Focusing on my sweetest comeback and fight the comparing and lies.