Ahh.. having wonderful people in our lives. Our church family for one. The people like Rizzo, Frenchie, Books, Glasses who are checking in on me, FB’ing me, making sure I am not going to go off the deep end. The meals, the smiles, the laughter.
Even that dam bible study I went to where the big elephant is in the room and talked about S where she was my rock, I cannot believe it was her, you and her were tight..
Yup not tight enough to care about fucking my husband in my own bed.. but I digress…
I visited with another woman in our church who was cheated on and had since moved on. She is on her second marriage and M and I used to double date with this couple (while fucking someone else behind my back). We did this for about 6 months. We had a blast this couple was funny and I always had a good time M did too. The husband was a musician and understood alot of what M had to say.
Great times so when she heard I wanted to leave my marriage but M wanted to keep it she had thought I lost my mind. After lunch yesterday it’s clear to her now and I hated M so much after that lunch that I couldn’t go home. It was a new hate.
I know, I know, I have all sorts of levels to my hate. I probably should state that somewhere in my blog. 🙂
This hate wasn’t all over crazy. This hate was calm, quiet, and I felt it deep in my heart. I could talk about this hate and feel sick because it was so real. It wasn’t a grab the kids and ride far away from M. It was a thoughtful hate the one where I could process what was feeling, and make decisions based upon the hate. Looking at all angles, not just being self-absorbed, throw things, yell, hate rage, this was completely new.
All my decisions based on hate are irrational, I know this but this was a type of hate I never experienced it before and it hit a panic button so I rushed over to Rizzo’s house. I could not face M like this.
Lord only knows what can happen and I do not want to end up on the Oxygen channel.. not for this anyway..
Rizzo is home and we talk. All about renewing my mind between me and Jesus. If I find myself going down any hole other than focusing on myself and Jesus I am on the wrong path. I want peace, I want life. This situation I find myself in with M gets me so fired up and FB doesn’t help either. So many pals celebrating their millionth anniversary. So happy, such smiles and yes I get some people are false on there, but I believe it. I believe their love, I believe their love for each other.
I wish that was me..
Frenchie’s husband is running in a political campaign and she wrote a letter about her husband to the masses and it entailed on why she thought her husband should get the position, but one of the sweetest things she said was that her husband had
Oh amongst all the beautiful couples I know and see and wish I was them. Those two words hurt the most. While I am focusing on myself and building my character. While I have no control over my husband and how he handles conflict, or how he chooses to live his life from here on out. I have control over my character and my thoughts. So as I am focusing on that, I am saddened that my husband does not have exceptional character.
He is not a man of integrity, honesty, or loyalty.
Wait.. wait.. He wasn’t I guess he would prefer me to say.. He is a person trying to be that now..
I wish I could show you the disgusted look on my face as I typed that.
I don’t believe him. I don’t buy his love for me. I find his loyalty to me as trash.
He would argue “Then why are you with me then?”
I say me allowing him in this house, allowing us to co habitat is a part of obedience to God it’s just what I feel in my heart right now. I do love him but that is sorely on my part does that mean I feel love from him. Nope. Not one bit.
Yes, he is cooking, texting, cleaning, sleeping on the couch. While I do love him and know God forgives him. I do not believe he loves me one bit. I think he is surviving, it’s the best thing in his interest to be with me. I mean who would want to be with him? S is with Bob. M is not one to be alone or feel alone (as for his dumb choices). I feel he is making amends, but I don’t feel loved by him at all.
I know feelings can be liars. But I don’t think you can get that back very easily exceptional character. I hate being in a relationship with someone like M, it’s like guilty by association.
Anyways I’m focusing on renewing my mind getting rid of all the digs that I want to say to M as he speaks, or just in life in general I will provide an example.
We were out on a date:
M: I love when you smile
Me: I love when I don’t have to share my husband
I think or say things like this all the time. It’s stupid. I am wasting my breath.
Here are the two verses I am clinging to today.
Philippians 4:8New International Version (NIV)
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
My kids are, Jesus dying for me is, the pals who have stood by my side are, the fact my kids still have a Dad that wants to be around all praiseworthy ❤ My marriage to M is sketchy in this, but if I believe God can make all things work together for my good then I can be thankful for M and my marriage. Even that crapfest of a friendship S threw away. But S doesn’t get anymore space in my head, I can’t let her. Nor the affair anymore it’s done as far as I know. Until there is more I’m here pursuing my love for Christ and walking in truth so I can be ready for whatever betrayal and secrecy come my way from M.
If in the future it turns out he is hooking up with girls left and right on the highway or chooses to have contact with S again I would like to say I would throw his out! I’m not sure I would know what to do. I do know I will not be shocked or appalled at my husband’s lack of character again. I will not think
What?! I thought we were happy? I thought you were an honest guy? I thought you loved me and your family above yourself?
I’m pretty sure I will say. “Your poor decisions are of no shock to me.”
Next verse is
Romans 8:1-2New International Version (NIV)
Life Through the Spirit
8 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you[a] free from the law of sin and death.
M is forgiven and it is not my place to condemn him any longer. While I would love to be the condemner, the judger, the one who makes M and S suffer. I’m not I won’t ever be, just not my place. I so wish I could but we all know wishes don’t do anything because anyone who has been betrayed would take a time machine back and smack our spouse’s over the head a good one before the fucking began.
I’m going to do a few exercises and make dinner.
Here’s to renewing my mind and keeping the crap thoughts at bay