In the morning

This morning I do not wake refreshed. I know because the baby screamed alot last night. She sleeps her best when her Mom is at peace  I was not at peace.

M posed me with the question  this morning “How can he help me with feeling loved?” I suppose it’s one of those things that just won’t happen until I can change my outlook. I don’t trust the man to protect me, to keep me safe.

I love his touch

I love his help

I love him

I just will not feel comfortable with him for a LONG time.. I know that he’s not someone on my team roster. I don’t have his back either. I mean if we were ever in a position where I would have to fight for him say a mugging situation, a brawl, yeah I used to be the girl who would have her man’s back.. Yup not so much now.

Not that we put ourselves in those type of positions, but if they were to happen.. hypothetically or if M needed an organ and I was a match.. umm.. I have a blood problem not in the mood for risking my life for this guy.

Just to let you know I think I’m fooling myself. I bet I would give him an organ, and fight for him I’ don’t love 1/2 way I just want to be able to do that. I don’t think I could though which makes me feel like a loser 😦

Wow the things you discover while blogging.

Well here’s to the day I must get this place cleaned up before we get out of here. Thought I would have a garage sale but that is not happening.

Sometimes as I clean my mind tends to wander. I am going to combat those fucked up voices with Scripture and music.


Here’s to the day..


6 thoughts on “In the morning

  1. You’re just having one of those days, like we all have, some are better than others, some you wanna fuckin kill him! So hang in there sweet friend, I will be thinking of you & hoping for some good days ahead for you! Hugs from Joan

  2. It’s funny that we expect our husbands to protect us. Protect us from what? Being attacked? Being hurt? Turns out they were the big bad guy. And we were duped BIG TIME. And hurt more than we thought possible to hurt. It never stops hurting. Thinking of you today. xo

    • Yeah they do for me right now. I still love him not passionately like I used to but I do love him, am attracted to him sometimes, and my children still think he’s the best ever.

      They say trust can be built. I don’t know what or even it that can happen in our relationship. Only that stupid 4-letter word time.. fuck time..

      but really it’s all I have to go on keeping my family, this weird relationship going..being obedient to God.. trusting those who love me that I’m not going to be a slave to his stupidity. That i will have joy in this life..

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