Tell Me Who Do You Love…

It’s hard to write that and not think of that song chorus..

Anyways I was cleaning up my desk area in our basement. Going through more things and I find a letter I wrote to a friend who was in jail. I was talking about my Mom and how she was moving to another state. How M said I could go help her move, but our baby was so small at that time. I didn’t want to take her or leave her. So I never went. I wanted to go but circumstances did not permit it because of Squish. I did not want to drag her all the way to the NW she would have been about 4-5 months. It was a mess up letter that never got sent.

Well the letter made me think of when I went back to my hometown the first time they fucked in my house, in my bed. I went to my brother’s graduation. I loved my husband, I loved my best friend. The both of them were like hell yeah she’s gone! I just don’t get why the friendship permitted, or how I ended up being married to such an asshole.

I mean the marriage part well I kind of was in it to win it, but the friendship they both chose to let me carry that on. I could have been spared that. It didn’t happen.

So I go into his guitar room while he’s practicing with the intent to confront him and ask “Did you want me to go to my Mom’s so you could have sex in our house again?” “Did the thought excite you?”

Then I see him, I watch and hear him play. I look at all the things I have piled in this room. All of his pictures, all of his family’s things I don’t want to see. I see pictures of us, I put here so when he moves out I don’t have any pictures or things that I don’t want in my house to remind me of him (I’m truly insane sometimes I know that sad attempt of washing someone out of your memory is stupid now) and they are all in one place.

I chose against the confronting. I just walked out. I sat down to update my blog.

He came out and said he loves me. He checks on me. He thinks this blogging thing isn’t a safe place for me because it takes my mind to different places learning from all of you. Reading your pain, your joy, your life instead of being with him, with the kids.

I talk with him about what does it loving them both say about me? The two people I loved so dearly could have spared me at least the sick friendship S wanted to continue with me. I didn’t have to be part of that. Yes, we could argue that they were so sick in their heads that I was never factored in. But I was, I was talked about I was mentioned about how S wanted to continue on with me.. and you see that is a whole different story of fuckeupedness. (Yup I’m just making up curse words now). M let that shit happen, so did S.

I wonder what that says about me? Not even the lame theories of that I’m stupid, or naive, to have such conniving people at my table. But as a heart issue for myself, who am I attracting? Who is attracted to me not just sexually, but just as a human love standard. I would hope most humans back out of infidelity all together and statistics are pretty warped so I’m not going by those, but we know they do. Pretending to be someone’s best friend and still fucking their husband, and said husband let’s that go on too? Good grief..

I just don’t get (Yes M lied to keep me and S too)  there was a need for me that I fulfilled for the both of them. I just don’t know what that is. I get M I mean I’m his kids Mom but really step-moms are made everyday. And with S, I mean she had myriad’s of people to replace me. So why the unnecessary pain on my part?

What did my friendship to S bring anything to either of them to not protect me from it.

So I tell M that is the biggest wound from all of this. He chose not to spare me that pain, S did too. Also I’m a pretty good role model for an honest, bratty spouse. Yes, let me not get too far up my ass to not be honest with myself and all of you. I was not ever the perfect spouse. I am loud, passionate, abrasive, and I do not listen well.  But I am honest and loyal for 13 years I’ve been married to M what has he learned from me? What fruit has he bore to show being married to me is something essential for his life besides our four beautiful blessings?

I know he’s capable of learning new (let me specify) good ideas that fulfill his life. I can tell in his music abilities, the way he parents, how he writes songs. But is he learning from me? or am I some static figure? Not that I’m Yoda or Obi-Wan-Konobi? I’m channeling my son, but maybe Mr. Myagi from Karate Kid. I am no Mr. Myagi (I have no idea if I spelled those correctly). I can name numerous things I have learned from M from our different personalities that have made me look inside myself and say I would like to hone that quality.

For example how he doesn’t say everything he feels, or how he would rather say No, than yes. I have learned a great deal from M and I have learned alot from S too.

And I promise I skipped the lessons they have tried to teach me on

How to be cold-hearted bastards and play with people’s hearts

But maybe they learned nothing from me. Maybe a huge lesson for me is that I have to watch that even if I think a relationship is blooming on my side the other party may be dead to me. They are just taking from me, taking my compliments, taking my love, enjoying themselves, but I mean nothing to them. I’m just some fantasy side-kick or something.

M and S I feel have learned nothing from me in regards to friendship, loyalty, and trust. I would have fought for the both of them until the death, now I question my loyalty and who I find loyal and who do I love? Not in a self-sabotaging way by any means.

I’m coming out of the fog I’m doing laundry and making waffles people ❤ ❤

But just reflecting and finding some truth about myself






2 thoughts on “Tell Me Who Do You Love…

  1. You mentioned memories, ahh those pesky memories of happy times before the shit hit the fan! The part that lingers even if you throw the lying cheating bastard out the door! You can’t get rid of them, even if you get rid of him, because they’re pressed between the pages of your heart, like a book you love, that you take out to read again & again! That’s where they have us, that’s where my husband has me, so lost in all the memories & good times we shared through the years that I can’t let go, even though most of the time I want to! Damned if we do, damned if we don’t!

  2. Don’t be so quick to think you didn’t teach them anything. Some of the most important lessons in life are the most painful to learn.

    That doesn’t negate the wrong they did to you in any way, ever. In some small way though, maybe seeing the pain they caused you will be their lesson.

    Excepting clinical sociopaths, everyone feels. Shame, joy, love, hate, it’s the human condition, to be emotional.

    Just maybe, S feels more shame than your imagining. Just maybe, your God entrusted you to be the tool he used to teach her/them something because he knew although you’d suffer, your strong enough to survive it.

    You wrote something the other day that knotted my throat up. You wrote about honor, integrity and loyalty and how your husband is missing them. It caused me a pain because these were the very characteristics I married my husband for. The ones he seemed to have but only has the shell of.

    This is what he has to learn from me now. Seeing the utter devastation he brought to my heart has truly hurt him. Now he’s determined to do it right. He’s striving to be not just a better husband but a better person as well. I’ll take it.

    Try to think of it that way. Think of when you first found out what their reactions were. Remind yourself of the pain (if there was any) that you saw in each of them. Their learning from you love, just in a painful, maybe-but-hopefully-not-too-late, kind of way.

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