Well after we discussed today about his lack of verbal affirmations. M was all on top of it. Which made me smile through the day. He keeps telling me he loves to see me smile. At first it was annoying, but it turned out to be endearing throughout the day.
We had a good day. We made homemade vanilla ice cream and just lounged around in the backyard telling the kids to go play! I look forward to next year when we will have a garden to tend to like usual, maybe even start building that bigger shed. One where we can put all of our summer furniture away.
It’s funny how hard my mentality tries to not enjoy myself, my family (which includes M) the homemade ice cream smiles and trips to Sam’s Club. M is so much kinder going shopping now. I haven’t told him that his patience for me has grown exponentially. He is softened to my lapse of time and seems to laugh more at the silly things I do.
Which I have to tell you friends.. makes me insanely suspicious.. because he acted this way when he was betraying me as well.
I ask him on our way home from buying pizza, diapers, and electronic toothbrushes would you choose me? I mean seriously if say we didn’t have kids and it was between me and her. Would you choose her, because I will move on with my life. I will not cry one more tear over this strange marriage I have found myself in. It is okay if you do not want me.
He says I would choose you, and I’m so sorry with tears in his eyes.
It’s hard but at that moment I believe him which makes me worry dear friends.. could I be making a choice to choose this marriage. To believe him? UGH!! Just writing that makes me cringe. I haven’t been sleeping well.. I feel like an extra in Nightmare on Elm Street I can’t even get away from this mess even in my sleep. I dream of this life, sometimes him and her at separate times. Not in anger or anything just in normalcy. And I wake up not rested at all.
Maybe because I’ve been sleeping alone in what M called today my Den of Hate. After we got it on we were just cuddling in bed and he got up and said I don’t like our bed. I’m like “Say What??” We just bought this bed, this bed is AWESOME! And M is like I don’t like it in here, I don’t like the feel of it. I’m like what’s wrong? I can’t remember something he said about aura or the way the room feels and mentioned it’s my Den of Hate.
Then in my head I went.. well this is where you and your reformed whore shared your sick love in this room.. but I didn’t.. why? Why go there? I’m kind of done going there in my head it really gets me no where awesome.. it just makes me mad and break bricks in my backyard which M kindly cleaned up yesterday. I just said so what would make it not a Den of Hate? Do you want me to take my laptop out of there? He said “Yes” and I said okay.
M may sleep in our bed tonight, which makes me nervous and okay at the same time. Nervous because I was digging having that King all to myself. Okay because well I’m starting to be okay with M. Which is WEIRD..
***hours later after we go shopping for 2nd daughter’s birthday***
The shopping trip would have been a nightmare before affair and during. Now not so much. We shopped, he kept touching me it was nice until I wondered what hasn’t he done with S? I’m kind of in a mood, but seriously does it matter? I mean M was with a bunch I mean A BOATLOAD of women before I met him. He’s done all sorts of things with them, does it matter truly with S? Maybe it matters more because we are married and she was supposed to be my best friend?
I think it’s awkward to be processing these emotions and thoughts in my head rationally without wanting to go all insane like. I am nervous to tell M, I’m not sure I’m done punishing him maybe? I don’t want him to know that I can rationally be alright with all his fucking around with S? I mean I’m not alright but I’m not an emotional basket case about it? Does that mean I forgive him? Does that mean I’m moving on?
I’m a bit CREEPED out right now.. here’s to the night and church tomorrow.. and packing..