Business trips and Stagnant water

Kelly I”m going to your state!! So there is one good thing about Oklahoma for me. Anyways he drove to go meet with her.

Motherfucker.. I hate him for that.. I hate her too.

Why is my husband telling her where the fuck he is. As if she cares? She doesn’t do a dam thing for him but secretly message him and fuck him.

Ok Ok I know it’s in the past still pisses me off.

Funny he hates that I hate him. I say you took that route. He says I still don’t have to like it.

Anyways I think we are heading out. I’ve cancelled this stupid trip in my head a millions times over but Bellbee (2nd daughter) is wanting to go to Chuck E Cheese and well we told her we would take her.

Also she kind of wants her Dad around for her birthday now I could just drive up and down the million hour drive it is from our home to wherever M is going to school, but I hate driving I really do.

I know excuses.. same reason we are all in this mess excuses..

Well I’m just getting a bit stressed because I don’t want to come home to a messy house when I get back, or now.

I just want some peace some happiness and I’m not finding it thinking about M’s dumb decisions.

I also am evaluating M and I’s relationship. I guess it hurts to know I was wrong about him. I was wrong to think we had a mutual thing going. I was growing, appreciating, and finding him in my heart stronger each day.

I would have to say He was not. He hasn’t been. There is no possible way he has a strong faith in Christ and a strong relationship with his wife and he still did this.. I mean we can go the addiction route but usually it’s with multiple people. So.. it just leaves me with no relationship with Christ and with me.

I mean I get he’s striving to be closer to God and understand what that means, but with me? It hurts to know my relationship with M was and is so superficial to him. I fulfilled basic needs for him, but he still needed wanted someone else, for fucking years people..

I really am upset at myself for thinking it wasn’t. I was growing, he was just this disgusting stagnant water and how could I not have seen it? So far all I can come up with is I was too selfish to care. I thought since I was growing so was he.

No, dice on that one.

Everything M finds important about me can be replaced. M’s heart is beating and pumping but not for a true foundation of marriage, there is no joy growing in his heart for me.

You know how I know? Because for 14 years I’ve known this guy and there is no fruit of our marriage to show for it besides our children who are amazing. But for our relationship has he grown towards me? towards loving his wife? towards respecting our relationship (fuck the vows for a minute those are just words) towards growing in how he sees me? towards anything that sustains a relationship.. trust, honesty, integrity, personal growth and respect for your spouse..

I say “Hell to the No” “Hell to the No”

M says he sees that now

and my two favorite words I have used to describe what M says to me or when I am exposed to such fuckupedness.. is…

Bitch please..

He wants a third chance..

I want out…


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