The F* word and #8

Nope not talking about the four-letter word I adore way too much in dealing with my marriage.

Can I say that and not say infidelity.. I’m going to try.

How about not say I’m surviving infidelity anymore because truly there is no more infidelity going on.

I definitely know I haven’t survived infidelity, but what’s the middle ground?

So back to the F-word

Feelings

Frenchie calls it the F-word when I’m getting all emotionally out-of-control

Some wise counsel has touched on maybe I need to give up the blog as our family leaves our home for awhile. Just refresh and find out what I want.

I don’t feel like I need to do that.
I didn’t feel loved today. I felt like doing absolutely nothing but crying this weekend and now my house is a disaster and packing has become a chore.

I feel out-of-control today and it showed with me talking about how M and I are not meant to be together and should stop wasting each others time.

M’s eyes get so cold and distant while he is waiting to reply to my rants and raves.

I’m getting tired of them myself. But I think it’s the Angry, Crazy Me that is keeping me from getting to the other side.

They say it’s too soon to give up the hate, it’s too soon to just move on.

But seriously guys I have 4 kids and they all depend on me severely. Our 11 soon to be 12 year old is smart, handsome, and tries to come home from school asking if he can play GTA 5 trying to get one over on his gaming Mom (ex-gaming Mom) because the poor child didn’t know I played the original GTA. He’s sadly knows his mother former life and now we research games together. I love that boy but training is still continuing for his character and I want to help me make the most informed choices not just in video games but how he thinks about life. My girls soon to be 6 and 4 ahh.. the training about being a little girl, a young lady, dressing modestly, and being who God calls them to be. Then there’s Squish.. ahh Squish she makes us all smile but hates the word no and I’m not afraid to tell her.

These children I don’t have the time to crawl in bed and die. I just can’t anymore even think of these things. School is starting and whether we choose to homeschool all 3 again full-time the planning and prayer for these babies must commence!! And I have really avoided that. I’d rather cry, pout, be pissed with M, and try to figure my husband out, my relationship with him out, or just plain pack my bags and get the fuck out! But I’m coming around the corner.

I choose M. I choose us. I can’t pretend the sweet voices inside my head are crazy saying to take care of my home, seek the word (bible), and look at what is M doing to cause me pain now? Is he lying, sexting, leaving without me knowing where he’s going, not communicating? No he isn’t doing any of those things. He wants to be married to me, he chooses me and no I don’t feel like the luckiest girl on the planet to be married to him. I do feel the joy when all of us watch Squish steal the boy’s ice cream cone and try to stuff the whole thing in her mouth. I do feel when all is well with the 6 of us at the dinner table and all of us growing together. It wouldn’t be the same without M and for that I’m grateful.

Grateful he didn’t spend any more of his resources on his affair besides time and his heart. He didn’t abandon our children and leave me to fend off the demon questions of where is Daddy? How could he leave us? Why we can’t pay for our house or basic needs for a short moment as their mother finds a job and has to leave them or send them off to school.

Our children’s lives haven’t changed drastically because their Dad chose to be with another woman and lie to their mother. I hope their view of him if this all works out doesn’t change too drastically as well, because they will know their Dad made a horrible mistake that he will never be able to take back. But he made his amends to their mother, his marriage, his family, and most of all God.

It’s time to choose and while scared I cannot be on the crazy cycle any longer. I don’t have time for it. These babies need a mother who is building their home, not tearing it down regardless of what their father does. This is teaching my children a hard lesson about friendship and their mother. I believe Emily is scared if she lies to me I will stop pursuing her, I will not forgive her. S and I’s dead relationship is a teaching lesson for my girls and me. I have got to get my head on straight to get these beautiful blessings through another year of life.

Life is hard enough without your Mother just abandoning ship.. I know I had one..

Here’s to making hard choices… Here’s to biting the bullet and renewing my mind.

I promise you I will flip out one of these days.. but I have to remind myself of this choice.. so here’s #8

Experiment #8 I will (try) not to be upset with my life with M unless he does something in that day to upset me. No more going back to remembering the whore days, or what he has done. Choose to see what he is doing today!

Because I tell you friends God revealed to me this evening that I am continuing on M’s cycle of nonsense where he couldn’t see my love because of his selfishness, to put lust over real love, to allow another in our marriage. The Holy Spirit convicted me of that after my whole tirade tonight that I’m not seeing M’s love for what it is. I’m choosing hate, anger, suffering and allowing those feelings to penetrate my marriage, my soul, my family..

Ha! I used the word penetrate 🙂

I may be on hiatus for awhile or not  but I will keep straining forward knowing I have not perfected this way of life, but pursuing Christ’s will for my heart, my family, and my marriage

P.S. I don’t think I’ve forgiven him, but I’m on my way there.. I hope anyway.. I think I’m learning how to have my hate slowly die as well because I am noticing I choose it more than it just being a feeling I cannot control.

❤ ❤

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6 thoughts on “The F* word and #8

  1. I will pray for you and more importantly, your entire family. Don’t worry. God is with us all the time and knows us inside and out and is there for us at every valley and turns.

    Stay strong. I know how you feel. M is also feeling sad but don’t push him away and do tell him what you want him to do when triggers are approaching and what triggers you.

    Yours always in Prayers(far away in Asia),
    May

  2. It sounds like you are seeing some hope for your marriage & I think your children played a large part in that! Best to you & your little ones! XO Joan

  3. Yrs. You have to choose a better way. Every day. You can do it. The hate and rage has to be quelled one day at a time. If you trip and fall occasionally – and don’t we all throughout life – you just have to pick up and go again. No way is three months long enough to leave it all behind, but it is time to look ahead, wherever that is, and start heading there as best you can.

    Also, I think when you have a plan, talking to those kids about the difference between family who will always be there for you, and friendship, and how sometimes you need to simplify when someone abuses you – by removing that person from your life to stay healthy. Even families sometimes need to use tough love – although yours don’t need to hear that now.

    • Ah you are so wise! I am so blessed beyond measure. Sometimes as just a person of control and who loves passionately I feel I should be over this by now. Not let this get to me and when I slip up I get so mad at myself! and then mad at the other people S & M 😦

      So thankful for the encouragement to move forward I just get stuck in the moment and can’t seem to get out of it. I’m a slow learner ❤

      Never know when they are going to need it so I have been thinking about a plan as well and its great to read your thought on it. I didn't ever plan on telling them why S and me cannot be friends anymore they just needed more. And now I have to explain how I am teaching them about forgiveness and how that right now I don't forgive S and I don't want her anywhere near any of us.

      But like you said in time ❤ ❤

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