The drive and Here

The drive wasn’t so bad I drove 1/2 way and M drove the rest while I slept. M slept for like 10 minutes and I looked at him. He looked like the same guy and I started to feel the same way like I used to about M when I stared at him yesterday.

So long story short I survived the drive.

The new place is nice, the children all did well, we ate at a nice Italian restaurant and thanks to the infidelity diet I still have food left over for lunch today. The kiddos feasted like royalty as well. We ate at Johnny Carino’s and bypassed the kid’s menu and ordered all 3 kids a family platter of spaghetti and meatballs. Their entree came with a giant bowl of soup. They each got to choose their soup which they all chose potato and were happy little carb eaters.

So win/win last night except when I start to watch “This is 40” I loved that movie. I got it for my birthday last year. It is funny! I thought of S because Leslie Mann reminds me of her. And when I adored S I had a great time watching that movie.

Now, I have a hard time watching the movie apparently. The mind-fucks that get me when I don’t even know they are coming. The movie just came on the T.V. in our bedroom. Ugh..

Then I think of my birthday and how I’ve been planning S’s 40th birthday and what I would do. Now that shit is out the window and my birthday? Shit.. it’s not for like months  and I dread the day. M has been making me a cake since he started fucking around on me. I hate him sometimes, no alot as I post that.

Anyways now you know what S kinda looks like I’m like an older America Ferrera but with bigger eyes 🙂

So this morning after I pray with my husband as he leaves I am staring at the ceiling not to awake Squish who slept about as horrible as her Mom. I think about 2 yrs ago driving to S’s house while she and Bob lived hours away to make Jessie’s party and I wonder if they were contacting each other while I was in that house. Belbee spent her birthday day without her Dad that year. I spent my morning putting together a scavenger hunt for M while I was gone.

I thought about what positions they did it in our car and in our bed and how the both of them make me sick. What I had with the both of them was real. I wanted the best for them. Not for S settling for a douchebag of a guy who fucks her in secrecy and for M to deal with a liar and cheater as well.  I was so pissed off last night and apparently it carried on into the morning..

Then.. I forced myself out of bed and got the fuck over it. My husband being disgusting is over I hope and here’s to Jessie’s birthday today and Bob doing well. I have to get ready for Belbee’s birthday tomorrow and how we are going to celebrate.

God is good All the Time. Not just the times when my husband is being faithful, or fucking around like a coward.

I wish I could erase the memories. Because I have so many what I thought were good memories of M and S and well I have no idea how to classify them or where to put them.

Well as you can tell this morning started a bit crazy, but I’m choosing better for myself and choosing my thoughts.

Although a bit of me gets angry that I’m choosing this route, because it just isn’t right. There hasn’t been any justice served for Bob or I. Luckily we are not the human police because neither of us would need to work on our marriages today.

So since I am not the human police I will be excited today is a new day.

I will say a wonderful prayer for Jessie the blonde who is the most talkative little girl in a car I have ever met! ❤ Hug that precious girl for me Bob just one more time for me and all four of my kids. How 3 love her tremendously and while it’ sad Squish will never know her I guess this is our new life.

I miss you Bob, you are an amazing father, husband, and surviving infidelity friend. I hope S is making you feel like you are the most important person in the world today as being 1/2 the reason Jessie is on Earth. 🙂 And that little girl is going to shake the world! You are awesome 🙂

As for me I will look for a way to bless M. He has treated me so delicately and Kelly in her post Handlebars I understand what she talking about now. I feel like a bit of a weirdo. M constantly looks at me and checks on me. He asks if I need anything and is always trying to make me smile.

Not because he deserves it, but because I love him, I choose him, and I know how I feel when we are all together putting these horrible seasons behind us.  I still have a hard time remembering the past really good times with the kids or looking at our pictures with voices in my head categorizing those were the times M was faithful and when he was fucking her..

Here’s to new games and seasons..

I’m glad I decided to pack our family and join M and while I want to say so far. I know who my joy comes from where my happiness lies and it isn’t how my marriage is doing. I can have a great life with and without M. I just choose the latter..

Love you all. ❤ ❤

 

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