A missed opportunity

Tonight I danced with my husband in this 3 bedroom apartment.

I watched my husband dance with our two older girls separately to Frozen without words (I know there’s word for it I can’t think of it) while Squish crawled on the floor.

Then they got to watch M and I.

Then we all danced together and were smiling and giggling. The girls were getting frustrated with me for not turning right and I told them they’d have to be patient with me. My Mom never danced with me when I was a little girl.

It was sweet they both sad AWWW.. with a look of sympathy on their faces and then Emily said well at least you know how to dance with Dad because of your wedding dance. We reminded her we didn’t have a wedding that you don’t need one to get married.

Emily really could care less about that she is sticking to her story that we had a wedding, so we shuffle those pretties to bed.

I would have missed out on this moment watching our girls dance with their Dad if I stayed home with the kids like I planned. The girls would have missed out. The moment was special and sweet.

I think of many moments my kids won’t get if this marriage doesn’t work. I talked with M about my feelings few cuss words and I did not call him one name 🙂

That’s called progress ❤

I was blessed tonight to see what I would have missed out on. I’m glad I came here, I’m thankful for not being so stubborn and selfish to just pack up our kids and leave M alone. So much for my vision of ever riding into the sunset with happy faces and M in our rear view mirror.

Because it never seems to work out like that. My kids will fight for their Dad. Today M emailed me talking about his love for me. How his eyes are opened and how sad he is to think about us not being together.

I told him funny how we are on opposite sides now. I used to feel that way about him, maybe someday we will both feel that way at the same time.

If I did leave M I would miss out on moments like this. I wouldn’t be a part of them anymore, it might be some other psycho who FB’s my husband and betrays my kids. I forget that sometimes. That as much as I know I would rock being single or finding someone new, M might go all off the deep end again and settle back into his old ways of treating another woman like a tramp.

And I wouldn’t want that chick around my kiddos no way. But I wouldn’t get to choose that leaving M. Not to say that I’m staying for that specific reason but it is one of them.

I recently read this to get ready for homeschooling with my beautiful children who seem to teach me more than I teach them this article about Spirit-led homeschooling and I find the last bullet point something I want to start reminding myself more of. Because I’m more like a ROCK than anything

  •  Playdough not rocks. Your plans, your ideas, your life….let it be mold-able, changeable. Leave room, and be ready for the Spirit to whisper, to open doors for you and show you how to reach  your children hearts.

This can surely be non-faith based as well, but you know where I stand 🙂 But I feel this is what I am going to have to be more now than ever in dealing with the progression of this family and my marriage to M

To be moldable, changeable, and while I fear those things, it might be just what I need to get me to a better place in my life completely..

Anyways here’t to progress, being moldable, and learning to be angry and hurt without sinning. It really wasn’t as hard as I thought, but I’m not stupid I’m sure it will get harder sooner than later.

I am so glad I didn’t miss out on this opportunity with the kids and M.


6 thoughts on “A missed opportunity

  1. I’m glad you’re able to enjoy those moments. To me the kids are entirely separate to Paul. I enjoy them, and would with or without him. There are no longer Awww moments of the 4 of us for me, though there are for him. Lucky bugger. He’s just, there. I could take or leave that. He’s the one fighting to stay now, I’m the one who is just on the “wait and see” seat.

  2. I am so happy that you had that moment with your kids and husband. Sometimes it takes those little moments to remind us of what we really want in our lives. I have been there, I feel your hate, your love and your frustration with both feelings. No one can tell you how to make it work, what worked for me and my husband may not work for others but I will tell you briefly what worked and maybe it will help you along your path to finding each other again. First we went to our pastor for help, he showed us a program called “Marriage on the Rock” and told us the first time through would HURT and IT DID. We watched the videos, we wrote independently in the journals and we shared the pain with each other (I was down right NASTY to him). The second time we went through the program the hate had dulled enough for us to really answer the questions and TALK about our feelings. 5 years later and I still have the final step in the process which is to write each other a love letter. Anytime I feel like I am slipping back to that angry place, I read his words and remember how hard he worked to get me back.
    Give yourself time but you seem like a spiritual woman and because of that I will tell you I keep the following saying on my keyboard at work and on my cell phone and try to remember it when I do feel angry “If I can forgive him and love him, so can you. If I can forgive you for all the wrongs you’ve done, how can you not also forgive him” While it took me years to forgive and it was difficult I do forgive him. But I am a woman and I will never forget, and he knows this and accepts that some days I need to search his phone just because it makes me feel better. Honestly those days are far and few between now but he has access to my phone, and I have access to his. (One of our commitments to each other was to use the same password code so neither of us ever felt “locked out”) Can I tell you he will never cheat again, no I can’t but can I tell you he knows there will NEVER be another chance, yes…. yes I can.

  3. Loved your post, enjoy every moment with your kids, they grow up so quickly! Yes that sweet dance showed you what you would be missing, if you had not chosen to stay & fight for your marriage! I think we are all stronger because of the wrong that was done to us! Stay strong, XO Joan

  4. Right after my DDay, our sweet girl had a father daughter dance at school. They dressed up and had a date. She was so happy. He was so happy and I was so happy just to have the memory of them getting ready and smiling and her excitement. I wouldn’t have traded that day for anything, not even my hurt feelings:-). It’s these little moments that make the whole of a family huh?

    • So true I loved watching them dance with their Dad. Their beautiful faces beaming. Yeah so many kids don’t have both parents or parents at all. Or on the flipside the parents didn’t survive to watch the kids do these type of things.

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