Bob and everything else

I dreamed of Bob. We visited for a long time about KOA it was weird because I thought we were talking about camping and survival. And he kept mentioning KOA and I was like okay I’m not sure why you keep bringing up that word.

He ended up sending a subscription to my house for survival stuff I distinctly remember Water sanitation. It’s crazy how I can remember my dreams sometimes and how vivid they are and how I want to dream about other things in my life.

Nothing against you Bob promise 🙂

I’m just unhappy and I feel like a whiny baby. I absolutely despise life with M. I do I mean we have our good moments but in my heart I have no love for the guy.

When we have sex afterwards I feel empty.

The sex is great it’s just that I’m not in love with the guy next to me. Not that  I need to be in love to have sex I just would prefer it if I’ve been married to someone for 13 years and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better.

I want peace and fulfillment I get none of that with him. I get none of that without him especially with 4 kids who want their Dad around constantly. It all around sucks and I get impatient with God who I feel wants me to “Be Still and know He’s God” because technically in the harsh realities of life it could be worse.

Way worse

and I’m wondering if I need to take that route to just be patient and see what happens with this marriage instead of just owning up to big decisions when I’m filled with unhappiness and discontentment. To get as far away from as possible.

We have money, food, a place to stay, we are not in debt even with the mounting therapy bills and psych ward incident we have money to cover it and buy new carpet for downstairs when we get home. And M does show tremendous love for me and the kids.

I also shouldn’t feel so alone having Christ, but I do right now anyway..

Learning about the Sacrament of Reconciliation has been inspiring and I wonder if any churches here in OKC are celebrating it his month. I also am interested in applying my “Think Like A Freak” and “Creativity Inc.” books to look at this marriage and get M to solve a few things with me..

I was thinking about leaving this place and going home this weekend. M doesn’t want us to do that.

I get so frustrated that the guy who put our relationship in the trash is so hopeful about us now. Also he talked that we have a history together. I hate our history together.

I hate I bought my first computer, washer and dryer, had my first born with him, the everyday letters I sent to him in Iraq. I wasted my life on this man and I find him a mistake in my story.

I want to move on, but I feel in my heart it’s not the right time. The longer I stay the more I feel I am deceiving myself that M and I can work. The less my freedom from M looks like freedom.

It’s weird.. this whole darn thing..

But I have yet to go all abusive and break things on my kids, M, or myself so there is slow progress but it is being made..



4 thoughts on “Bob and everything else

  1. It is a slooooooow process, but you can do it, you are stronger than you think you are! How do I know this, because you’re still there everyday, fighting to make it work, maybe you don’t feel love for M fight now, but something is keeping you there! Faith, your children, the memories of your marriage before the affair, whatever it is you are still there! You are a strong, kick-ass woman don’t forget to love her! XO Joan

  2. Ohhhh…. The everyday letters and emails sent back and forth while he was overseas. I know what you mean with those letters. I still have all the ones he sent and he kept all mine. I still have every single email between us. Those are particularly hard for me because that’s when he fell for her. Now When I read them and know he’d write me one right before or after seeing that Macedonian whore. Ohhhh those letters. Hes saved them from a blazing inferno three times now. One day they’ll burn. They mean nothing to me anymore, nothing good anyways. Uggggh. I feel you.

  3. 😦 First of all, you can feel lonely even as a Believer. Right after the affair was the loneliest time of my life. I remember screaming, “Where are you God??” he went silent on me and I was mad. So no feeling guilty over ANY feeling right now. Also, no feeling guilty b/c the emotional intimacy isn’t there. It should not be expected to be there. Hubby was also super into “us” after the affair was revealed – well yeah, he was saving his own ass and his family, “NOW.” Not then, mind you, but now. And it still makes me mad. One year later. Show yourself some grace girl. It’s ok to heal in whatever path you choose to walk down.

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