Just another losing it moment

Yup he gave me the timeline I have been wanting for months..

I was already mad and he emailed it to me.

I hated reading every word.

He thought he was giving me something I wanted

I did, at least I think I did.

My strange thinking that I know better than everyone who loves me..

Everyone who loves me and Christ pleads, and brings words of wisdom in my life to just not go back there. To where I had such a sick husband and disgusting best friend. The need to go revamp her Pinterest page again is STRONG. Or text her horrible things what kind of woman texts her best friends husband the same day I take her out for her birthday?

I hope she suffers today. I hope every Mom in Jessie’s school will know come a few weeks when school starts (not from me but we live in a small town) and she feels what a ruthless whore she is. What a backstabbing bitch she is, what a coward she is, because anyone who knows our relationship and what she did will not want to come near the broad.

She is toxic, she will lie be kind to you, nice to your children and backstab a person in a heartbeat. What a fucking pathetic loser. I cannot wait to get home and see her ass again because it will happen I guarantee. Unlike her I’m not a coward and neither is M. M has apologized when this all came down to everyone and Bob he’d apologize to you and tell you everything he regrets, but we know how you feel about that. He has humiliated himself in front of his band, our church family, and so many others because of his shame.

Do I feel for M no I do not, but I can say he’s not a fucking coward like S.

Oh I hope she is still in grief and being a bubblering, crying loser, because that’s all a stupid woman can resort to when she’s gone off the deep end instead of dealing with the issues.

Anyways I went on a tirade last night told our children their father acted as if he had another wife and that’s why I cannot be with him. That I want a divorce and he needs to stay away from me, our children. I was going to leave him stranded in OKC, yup I was.

I did end up calling Rizzo and she calmed things down.

I ended up apologizing to all of my children for throwing a fit. I hate M right now and he’s just happy I decided to stay. I really wish this nightmare would end. That my life would get back to a good place and I will leave M.

That I will be financially responsible enough to get my accounts in order and walk away from this marriage, but the family is such a difficult decision. I don’t want to walk away from this family there are some pretty awesome times.

Sometimes I fantasize about the kids growing up and me leaving him as our youngest goes off to college, or whatever Squish decides to do. That I will see to our children reaching a point of accountability and I will walk away from M and his stupidness.

I think I’m starting to see what everyone was meaning about so much death when my husband and best friend chose this path for me.

I feel myself slowly slipping away, the only anchors I have tying me down are remembering I am loved by Christ, and the love I feel from others who are trying so faithfully to keep my feet on the ground.

 

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7 thoughts on “Just another losing it moment

  1. We have all had & still have “lose it moments.” Hell don’t feel bad, it’s been almost 2 years for me & unfortunately for my cheating husband, I have “lose it days!” Hang in there, XO joan

  2. Yup, I hear you. The thing is you did want the timeline I suspect. But you wanted to not have to drag it out of him and you wanted to be in a somewhat good mental place when he gave it to you. He could have done it that way. He didn’t. Not, I suspect, because he loves you less, but because he’s a idiot. I hope he learns from this.

  3. Wonder if there’s somthing in the air today. I have been having those not so wonderful feelings that the end is near. I am so sorry to hear not so good for you either -it is not easy to live thru this nightmare , but strength comes from those of us who see light at end of tunnel, the opposite end from the one they want us to see. My prayers are with you.

  4. Well the good thing is that you have solid anchors. Hang on to them and if you don’t have the strength then just crumple in a ball and know that they are hanging on to you. Shoot, sometimes the best thing you can do is make it through the day. And that’s ok. and sometimes “losing it” is just what they need to see.

    I love personal finance and do some coaching around it occasionally – if you need any resources please let me know. I am a FIRM believer that this should not keep someone w/ someone else. You are powerful and smart and resourceful and you could figure it out. I know you could.

  5. Do you really believe the timeline. I found the affair actually started several months before the time he told me it did. Another setback for me. What to believe?

    • I’m sorry liars are just that I wouldn’t put it past him that he had an affair before or even if the truth he thinks is truth was or is real. I married a disappointment unfortunate but not the end of me

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