Revolving Door

I feel I keep getting no where with M. I feel as if I’m on one of those revolving doors and I see a bit of advice, or have an idea and it’s good and I try to grab it, or move out of the revolving door only to find myself sucked back in by the images of their faces.

The times where I trusted them to be around each other when I knew Bob would flip out. I thought Bob was a untrusting meanie who could’nt forgive M turns out Bob was so super smart about the two asshats we are married to now.

See? Revolving Door..

I am starting to see their needs to be planning done to get me out of this marriage. I am just starting to see some light on my own problems how emotionally abusive I let myself become. Not just in a tirade folks I mean I’m choosing to say these things to people. Here are just a few tid-bits of hatedome that I bestowed on M and S yesterday.

  • You are stupid
  • P-O-S
  • I hope you choke on chocolates
  • You are the worst person I have ever met in my life
  • I wish you were dead
  • You are a horrible mother, woman, friend sister
  • I will never respect or love you like I used to.

Those are just a few I can remember, there were more but I really need to stop those thoughts because I don’t need to fill my arsenal of hate with anymore weapons today.

God revealed to me that I’ve been emotionally abusing M and well yesterday S. They know they did horrible things, they know they have hurt people and shamed themselves, family, and their legacy for the rest of their lives. Why do I feel the need to berate them and bring up the past?

They can do nothing about it, I can do nothing about what they did to me ever. But I feel awful and am in a dark place when I choose to breathe destruction through my lips. My tongue doing nothing but continuing the cycle of the revolving door and once again I’m stuck.

I apologized to M, I haven’t apologized to S yet. I’m working on the email. I feel horrible going all verbal abusive, however I’m glad I did because I’m to a point where it’s tiresome. It’s tiresome and takes years off my life going back there. Remembering what a horrible period of my life that was and that I create.

I also am looking to be a bit quieter and listen more. Today I invited our neighbors over for lunch and I listened to this woman. I think I listened more than I talked because I didn’t need to talk. I could’ve and normally would have, but I just honed my skills in observing who this woman was. What she did here and before. How her boy only 2 has type 1 diabetes.

I enjoyed being quite and listening. This is new for me. I wrote a wonderful email that I don’t feel brings glory to God, but just basically ending it with my husband and telling him we should get our act together and that I’m scared of not being Mrs. No hate, how I may be afraid of being alone. It was probably going to seal the deal for this stupid relationship with M and I.

But I felt in my heart it was wrong, that I was not bringing God glory in writing that letter. I was not restoring this relationship between M and I and I know I need to do that whether we stay together or not. I have been tearing our relationship down for the past couple of days.

Restoring our relationship not only benefits him, but me as well. I can move on from him with peace and a better understanding of who my children’s father is. Do I still want to be married to him? Hell to the No. Do I want our relationship to remain intact while we raise children and provide a Godly example of marriage or divorce Yes, I do.

I just feel I need to be quiet for awhile. No decisions, no thoughts.. just listen to God for what is going on in my life today. I guarantee it never is to hatemail S or call M names. So for that I’m finding a certain type 0f peace and acceptance.

To find a peace with M again because we are so hurtful to each other when we are withdrawn from each other.

Well enough of the rambling today has been good especially the lunch with another woman.

I was not a fan of the Cannoli poke cake

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4 thoughts on “Revolving Door

  1. Glad you at least had a nice lunch, sometimes even something that small takes on huge importance when you feel shitty almost everyday! Thanks for the heads up on the cannoli cake, I looked up the recipe after I saw your reference to it on your blog, will think twice about making it now. Here’s to more happy moments! XO Joan

  2. I’ve been worried about you, letting the hate consume you isn’t healthy. I pray in the quiet you will find the answers you so desperately need. Remember 3 months out everything is so dark and painful that all you can do is try to survive, healing and moving on? They are much farther down your road of recovery, but if you keep pulling yourself down that road you will find it.

    I’m going to reblog a post of mine you might find helpful πŸ™‚

    Hugs

  3. Listen to Kelly, 3 months out is way too soon, to make any decisions! We have all been where you are now, when hate seems to be the only thing getting you through another day in this hell. Even after 23 months I still have bad days & obviously so do these other wives or we still wouldn’t be talking about it! Hang in there, just don’t make any hasty decisions you may regret later! XO Joan

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