A time to die..

Yup I’m back there again, with the wonderful world of suicide on my brain..

Please this is my blog so be respectful..

I have a plan now and I’ve got months calculated to a tee.

I also know that M is completely remorseful and after what he’s done I’m pretty sure he won’t play around with our children’s hearts when I’m gone.

Do not be alarmed though I’ve planned out months. I plan to write letters, make amends to some of my family members so when I do go well it won’t be a rash, hasty, how could my Mom leave, or what was she thinking.

Everyone will know what I’m thinking but like I said I’ve given myself a date, I’m going to get my paperwork together when I get home and make

I’m just tired right now of it all, all the thoughts, all the history with the both of them, what cold-hearted people I associate with for years. My beautiful children how I see him in them and sometimes it makes my skin crawl. That I had them with the worst man I have ever crossed paths with. I feel sorry for them and I am disgusted with myself for having them with M.

But like I’ve said I’ve given myself months so no going over the deep end and trying to find my IP address. Rizzo knows, M knows, I’m not keeping any secrets except the date and how I plan to do it. And I refuse to go back to the psych ward I wasn’t on any meds and that place is not a well facility for the mentally ill. I find they only make things worse. Not just for a patient mentally but financially as well.

I found a great blog a few weeks ago called Taking the Mask Off that definitely made me not feel alone about how I felt the mentally ill were treated. I’m not sure I’m mentally ill but I refuse to go back and let them play test monkey on me.

I may change my mind, but for now I’m preparing.

It is freaking M out he says he’s worried about me. He’s such a freaking weirdo I mean he didn’t care about my emotional well being for 2+ years but now it’s what he’s concerned with.

I told him not to worry, and truthfully I don’t give a flying fuck if he’s worried. I will carry on like normal but I’ll just be preparing my death, just like infidelity I’m sure I’m not the only one who has gone down this road before.

So here’s to planning the rest of my life.

Yes, I believe in God and I just can’t, I have such a hard time even wanting to show M a little love or do this life or that I’m incapable of this life. I just want out.

P.S. I also know the statistics of the in’s and out’s of suicide. I’m a researcher not just on the web, but my family kind of runs in this circle of wanting to die, not that I’m any better than any one of them. I’m just taking a more slow, prepared approach.

So please do not treat me as if I’m not hurting enough already..

Thanks ❤ ❤ ❤

Also Glasses and Sissy I know this is a tough subject for you and I only wrote this to make sure I document my feelings and this journey that I’m on. Not to bring up bad memories which I’m sure might. love you both


12 thoughts on “A time to die..

  1. I would never judge now that I have been where u are at. I understand completely and have dealt with the same taunting thoughts. What stops me is the thought of punishing my children for something their selfish father did. If ur out to punish, punish the adultery not the innocent ones that need u the most

  2. Please!!!!! Don’t even think about such a thing, no man is worth not getting to see your beautiful children grow up! Their high school graduations, their weddings, and what about grand children someday! You, their mother needs to be here for them! Do you really want to miss out on seeing your children grow up just because your husband couldn’t keep it in his pants! My children are grown, I have grandchildren & I wouldn’t have missed these moments in their lives for any man, no man is worth that, no ex-best friend, who acted like a whore is worth that! Don’t let them win, the best thing for your children is you! I’m reaching out to you with love & compassion in my heart for you! I also thought what you are thinking now, but when my grown son laid his head on my chest & I felt his tears, I knew what a selfish thing I would be doing to my children & they did nothing wrong, your children did nothing wrong, you did nothing wrong! No one will ever love your children like you do, remember that! Stay & fight to give your children a fighting chance, life is hard enough when you have both parents! Don’t give them the memory of a mom who took the easy way out, show them what a strong woman there mother is! If I was there I would give you a big hug, your D-day is still fresh, time will help you heal, but you need to stay strong till then! I will be thinking of you, XO Joan

  3. Sooooo, I agree that maybe you need out of the life your in. Change it though, don’t end it. Nothing you can do will mitigate that pain for your little ones. Mine still suffer it and it’s been years. Start a new life. If you need to for your own well being then tell yourself he died and move on. (Don’t kill him though, I’ve heard prison sucks). Girl, to hell with them.

  4. Nothate, as someone who attempted twice, I do understand. But I am now five plus years out, four since the final attempt. I hope writing it down, publicly, helps you deal with this stage. If you ever need to talk, I have been where you are right now. Telling you not to think this way doesn’t help. You just do. And it’s real. You are exhausted and agonised. You want out. You need the pain to stop. I can only say that knowing children of parents who committed suicide, it doesn’t help to know the reasons. That they were real to that agonised parent, you just deliver the message to them that they aren’t enough. Not good enough. Not enough for you to stay with them. They will spend a lifetime being abused for their chasing natures, trying to prove to bad people that they are “enough.” I guarantee it. Can you leave them that poisoned gift? I know you love them. Hang onto that. Please let me know if I can help xxx. You’re lovely. You are not going to let the evil win. I know how strong you really are. Do a Winston – you’ve found yourself going through hell, keep going. Please.

  5. Not hate, our counselor told me I gave up the choice to take my life when I had children. She gave me the statistics for the children of someone who took their own life. It was convincing. You are a researcher. Please look at the research. I’m a numbers person, so it resonated with me. I’m so hoping you will reconsider.

  6. There has been more than once that I have felt the way you do. That the pain was just too much, too unbearable to continue on. And I think yes I want to hurt those that hurt me caused my pain. And they would be hurt, but for only little bit of time. They would be able to move on with their lives. But your children would not. It will affect them FOREVER!! It will affect everything they feel and think about you. They will be hurt and confused. They will take that action into their being and they will blame themselves. The will suffer from this action tremendously, for a very, very long time if not forever. Please think of them and how much pain this will cause them, THEY NEED YOU! Everyone else can move on – but they will not be the same it will scar them. This is what allowed me to make a different choice. I could not do this to my children. I do not think that you can either. Please reconsider!!
    PLEASE! Your friend in blogging chely

  7. My heart aches for you. I’m glad you’ll be giving this time and that you’re documenting your thoughts and feelings. You are a blessing to so many.

  8. I’ve thought of it so many times, too. Then I think of my babies growing up without a mummy, having to explain to everyone for the rest of their life that they grew up without one, having them wonder forever more if they caused it or contributed to it, never really knowing – it would haunt them forever. No child deserves that, and no whore is worth that. xo

  9. I feel much the same as you, so I can absolutely relate with all your feelings. BUT then I ask myself “Do I want to cause my children the same kind of pain he caused me?”

    He was soo wrong, his choices soo unfair, the pain he CHOSE for me, for us..how can I even begin to think to CHOOSE that same level of pain for my children?? I would be as guilty and selfish as him, to actually choose to hurt the ones who matter most to me. They would be innocent victims of me, much the same as I have been an innocent victim of his choices :”(

    Just some thought..

  10. I cried so when I read your post. My heart aches for you and for all of us who are going through this crap. Most of us understand your feeling this way and many of us feel or have felt the same. You are not alone. I will say that again…You are not alone. My only child, David, died when he was 7 years old and DID I want to end my life and all the pain, I truly could understand why people committed suicide, it was all I ever thought about and it seemed the only answer. Well a few things stopped me, one was, I could not bear to know my Mom would be experiencing the same pain as I was. My heart broken beyond repair was hard enough on her, loosing me after loosing her grandson would have killed her. The other reason was (which came later) I could not do that to the memory of my son who I loved more then life. No one would ever think of him in the beautiful way they do, his memory would have been dishonored and that was too much for me to bear.
    The last reason was I was not 100% sure that if I did kill myself, I would see him again and that was all I needed, it keeps me going that one day I will hold him once again. You are so blessed to have your children and they are so blessed to have you, broken and all. My father died when I was 10 and 42 years later, I still wish he was here every day. For me, after I found out about my husbands infidelity, I did have thoughts of suicide because I was so freaking tired, I was so done with all this crap. But again, I could not put my Mom through that and if burying my only child did not put me in a grave, my husbands cheating was not going to do it. I could go on and on. But mostly I wanted to tell you how much you are loved and how very important you are to so many. Thank you for sharing with us. When I read your blog, I am comforted to know I am not alone, that I am not the only way feeling the way I am, and I am not crazy. You loving your children and them loving you more then anything is so beautiful and so powerful, may you find healing in their precious love. If you need to talk, cry or screem, I am here to listen. Take care, we are always here XX00

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