Yup I’m back there again, with the wonderful world of suicide on my brain..
Please this is my blog so be respectful..
I have a plan now and I’ve got months calculated to a tee.
I also know that M is completely remorseful and after what he’s done I’m pretty sure he won’t play around with our children’s hearts when I’m gone.
Do not be alarmed though I’ve planned out months. I plan to write letters, make amends to some of my family members so when I do go well it won’t be a rash, hasty, how could my Mom leave, or what was she thinking.
Everyone will know what I’m thinking but like I said I’ve given myself a date, I’m going to get my paperwork together when I get home and make
I’m just tired right now of it all, all the thoughts, all the history with the both of them, what cold-hearted people I associate with for years. My beautiful children how I see him in them and sometimes it makes my skin crawl. That I had them with the worst man I have ever crossed paths with. I feel sorry for them and I am disgusted with myself for having them with M.
But like I’ve said I’ve given myself months so no going over the deep end and trying to find my IP address. Rizzo knows, M knows, I’m not keeping any secrets except the date and how I plan to do it. And I refuse to go back to the psych ward I wasn’t on any meds and that place is not a well facility for the mentally ill. I find they only make things worse. Not just for a patient mentally but financially as well.
I found a great blog a few weeks ago called Taking the Mask Off that definitely made me not feel alone about how I felt the mentally ill were treated. I’m not sure I’m mentally ill but I refuse to go back and let them play test monkey on me.
I may change my mind, but for now I’m preparing.
It is freaking M out he says he’s worried about me. He’s such a freaking weirdo I mean he didn’t care about my emotional well being for 2+ years but now it’s what he’s concerned with.
I told him not to worry, and truthfully I don’t give a flying fuck if he’s worried. I will carry on like normal but I’ll just be preparing my death, just like infidelity I’m sure I’m not the only one who has gone down this road before.
So here’s to planning the rest of my life.
Yes, I believe in God and I just can’t, I have such a hard time even wanting to show M a little love or do this life or that I’m incapable of this life. I just want out.
P.S. I also know the statistics of the in’s and out’s of suicide. I’m a researcher not just on the web, but my family kind of runs in this circle of wanting to die, not that I’m any better than any one of them. I’m just taking a more slow, prepared approach.
So please do not treat me as if I’m not hurting enough already..
Thanks ❤ ❤ ❤
Also Glasses and Sissy I know this is a tough subject for you and I only wrote this to make sure I document my feelings and this journey that I’m on. Not to bring up bad memories which I’m sure might. love you both