Can’t sleep it’s been a bad couple of days

Sooo.. if you’ve ever looked up children who survived their parent’s suicide turns out children are 3x as likely to commit suicide and their chances are increased more if it’s the mother.

FML.. seriously there is no way out of this stupidness.. Yes, yes, I can do what M thinks is possible and love him. Why? Because he’s changed, he’s so sorry, he’d take it back, he regrets everything, he didn’t know all the damage he was causing..

You would think one so bent on secret messaging the ice queen would have Googled affair and well it’s pretty laid out there for everyone.. Nope not the genius I’m married too.

Anyways Paula really hit home with her comment.

I can only say that knowing children of parents who committed suicide, it doesn’t help to know the reasons. That they were real to that agonised parent, you just deliver the message to them that they aren’t enough. Not good enough. Not enough for you to stay with them. They will spend a lifetime being abused for their chasing natures, trying to prove to bad people that they are “enough.” I guarantee it. Can you leave them that poisoned gift?

I received awesome comments on why planning to take my life was not the best decision ever. Honestly I still thinks its a nice pain (well somewhat pain free) free way to go. I don’t have to remember nothing, not our history he threw away for The Ice ( I think that may be her new name “The Ice”)

I don’t have to remember The Ice and our history too. That they both watched each other play me and neither of them did anything to help me or keep my kids away from the Ice. Nope I’m the one that got frostbite and both of them let it happen to me.

Yeah Ice watching our kids while we go to marital counseling..

Me talking to Ice while missing my husband while he’s out of town and him and her are Facetiming each other sexually..

These fuckers.. I swear..

I figured my little ingrates will be okay with M even if he’s an asshole to his wife. He’s learned his lesson not to play with people’s hearts and understand what kind of backstabber he can be. “Knowing is 1/2 the battle G.I. Joe”

So I figured I’d exit life on Jan 14 why you ask? It was right after holiday break and 2/4 kids would be enrolled in public school after their homeschooling mother died. I would have spent my last holiday with them instead of me doing it late Sept early Oct. The boy’s birthday is in Nov so I wanted to be there for that and not have him wonder she couldn’t wait to see my birthday?

Then it almost seemed there was no good time to die. Christmas? No.. New Year’s? No.. so Jan 14th would have been the day unless I changed my mind.

But it seems that I would leave my children with a poisonous gift of not feeling good enough and higher chances of suicide. Also children who are prone to anxiety and are super sensitive their chances are greater. I have raised passionate children who are emotional and sensitive.. So ladies and gents there goes that fucking plan..

FML.. I just want to get away from him and by away like not ever see him again, even in our children and as beautiful as they are remind me of him sometimes and I get so sad. Sad they have such a douche for a Dad, sad I ever met M in the first place.

I really don’t want to go all Face-Off on my kids they are preciously good-looking, but I just want him erased from everything and being 6ft under seems like the best option..

But hell if I can follow through the plan with this knowledge. Maybe I’m being fear mongered by all the research but I’d rather play on the edge of safety and not tie my own children’s noose for them because I can’t mentally handle being on Earth with M.

Because I really can’t I super hate him right now. I’ve prayed and laughed with him spent the past what 18 days with him in OK and I don’t think I’m any better than when I left, but maybe I choose that. I just think he’s no one I want to associate with (and all the Christ followers may drop their jaw now) it’s true. I know it’s wrong to discriminate but I do, I don’t want him at my table.

I put the effort into this marriage, into our family and he bailed on me, he let Ice use me for her own purposes, watched, and did nothing as she lied to me and pretended to be my friend.

And now I’m back to being okay carrying 4 misery bags. I just want him out of my life. Away from me, crappy thing is it sucks with him being out of the house too. Our four blessings are so much easier to raise when there is two of us around.

And this is why I’m so eager to die and pray I just don’t wake up in the morning.

There is no escape from him, from this family, from this life as Mrs. M.


2 thoughts on “Can’t sleep it’s been a bad couple of days

  1. Nothate. There are christian perspectives that allow for divorce. Infidelity is one. And abuse another, I believe. I have a christian friend who is married to a passive aggressive man and she swears by Leslie Vernick, who is interesting. I am certainly not pushing this, but you do have options, and although those options suck, people can and do go on to better lives with or without the cheater. Hang tough chicken, we’re all here for you.

  2. Here’s a couple of lines from a song I really like called “Breathe (2am)- Anna Nalick sp?

    “You can’t jump the tracks, we’re like cars on a cable
    Life’s like an hour glass, glued to the table
    No one can find the rewind buttons girl, so cradle your head in your hands and
    Breathe, just Breathe, Breathe, just Breathe”

    Hugs to you chely

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