Drowning

I feel as I’m drowning and I’m causing this.. I’m not going to email him anymore. My phone is broke and so he has no way of contacting me.

I need to stop contact with M. I need to drown him out, drown him out with my own happiness, with what I need to do.

We will live together and if I want a hug I will ask for one, but no longer will I be looking for an email from him.

No longer will I look for him to anchor this stupid relationship..

I don’t want to be married to him and yet here I stay. Thinking, drowning, watching my kids faces as they try and gauge what the hell is going on.

I can’t be with him right now, but I can treat him like a brother in Christ, not just a child of God.

And as a brother in Christ I am not going to tell him I don’t want to be married to him, I don’t need to, I don’t need to tell him I’m suffering, I don’t need to tell him anything..

I’m just going to shut down and bake cookies with my kids.. He doesn’t get to be included in my happiness or unhappiness anymore. He is a huge bucket of pain and I no longer need to tell him. It doesn’t change the pain doesn’t lessen when I tell him.

He knows its there. I know its there. I just need to shut down, shut down the thoughts, the betrayal, the suicide plan, the need to control what is going on and how fast can I get out?

Shutting down and making ricotta, oatmeal, and oatmeal chocolate chip cookies listening to worship music..

Been awhile since I’ve found some peace.. last night I drove around Mustang singing at the top of my lungs I came home, feel asleep outside in a chair.. just passed out from being tired. The thoughtlessness felt so good.

The prayers and encouragement are working dear friends..

Here’s to another day in this special hell.

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2 thoughts on “Drowning

  1. I’m so glad to hear that you’re doing a bit better. One foot in front of the other everyday- I guess eventually we learn to walk again, maybe someday even skip! Hugs to U!!! chely

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