Choosing Joy after an Affair: Day 2 I still wanted to die, but on the plus side

We are getting along. No harsh words. Went to church have I mentioned

I LOVE JOURNEY CHURCH in Norman, OK?

Yeah that church is rocking 🙂 I got prayed for about my hopelessness and how I don’t get how this marriage is going to work, or that I would have to say SOMETIMES I’m not giving M too much credit..

but, due to my own darkness I may not see M trying that hard. I mean I have suicidal tendencies and really think my kids will be okay if their Mom off’s herself. Yeah I can be just as delusional as M.

Which makes me choke back nausea that

1. We are crazy and deserve each other

2. My beautiful babies and how I pity them..

Okay enough of the self-condemnation for this post but seriously. We are speaking about his affair, his thoughts, my thoughts without withdrawing, or sleeping in different areas for 1 1/2 days.

I haven’t committed to M at all. I haven’t told him I plan on ditching the suicide plan or that I want to commit to this marriage.

I’m just laying low seeing if I am serious. Because I really wanted to jump out of the vehicle on the interstate. It took so much to talk myself out of that the kids, my body getting run over by another vehicle, and scarring not only my kids but the people or person who ran me over..

Once again just like M and S for that matter. Only thinking about myself.

Anyways I did good and didn’t jump also..

Barnes and Noble didn’t have to call the cops on a crazy woman today. Because just like my greeting card post I was wanting to just scream in there. I see little girl books about friendship and I just mourn my friendship with S and what a complete jerk of a friend she was to me.

I mean M has a stupid reason for being a dick he didn’t feel loved. When did she decide not to be my friend. When did that come in? Oh hell who cares right?

But it’s hard sometimes I see funny things or things I would normally talk with her about and I cry inside. I wonder if some bitch will do the same to my girls. Heaven help them bitches is all I have to say to that.

And I do, I miss what I had with S. No I don’t miss her lying stupid blonde curly haired self. But I mourn the friendship I had, because I always knew who to call when I was having a bad day. I never felt I was imposing on S, because that’s your bud the one who will wipe your tears and watch your kids.

Well I have new pals now. I don’t have the same relationship but I gravitate people towards me not against me. I seem to radiate now even in the suck-ass state I’m in. I’m kinder to people, because I wonder if they know how beautiful they are.

I always think of Bob when he said “Don’t sell yourself short” and I just go back to that so much and how I have always doubted myself, sold myself short, and didn’t think I was pretty enough.

Now.. oh hell.. I am one gorgeous, smart, amazing woman and mother. I feel terrible for anyone who doesn’t know their worth.

I was finding my worth and my contentment as I was moving along. I felt I had time to work on myself. Now time ran out and I realized what horrible company I loved and how good grief I’m that awesome for both of them to lie to keep me.

Yeah S could’ve dropped me like nobody’s business she chose not to. I didn’t get a choice in the matter. M still loved me too.

But yes still as gorgeous and amazing I am at the moment of pain, mourning, and sorrow. Yes I still want to hurt myself and it takes so much emotional energy to make it go away..

Lately I’ve been asking myself “What does God want me to do right now?” and the answer is never to kill myself.

So there’s that for progress..

Here’s to day 3.. Days are so much longer doing this joy thing. Forcing myself to think about things that are good, holy, and worthy of praise.

These are the thoughts I have such a hard time to fighting to get to my joy, but I feel better doing it. Kind of like

  • M’s affair
  • mourned marriage
  • mourned friendship
  • betrayal
  • sadness
  • grief
  • anger
  • hate
  • suicide

Off to bed..

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