I slept well Squish slept through the night! Way to go Squish!! I’m not saying God answers all of my prayers like that, but last night was great!
The boy puked again, but I wouldn’t have known that because M took care of all of that while I slept.
I think he woke me up to make him breakfast our usual routine and I think I thought I was dreaming or something.
I am going to clean house make some biscuits and cinnamon rolls using up our last foods. I cannot believe we will finally be leaving here. I’m not excited to go home and try this joy thing.
I do know I’m getting rid of a bunch of crap. Alot of clothes I don’t wear or like anymore.
I’m revamping my homeschool and simplifying so much in my life.
I am planning out a business plan for a website I want to develop and a vlog.
Choosing joy I feel I’ve gotten wrong because I always thought it meant a certain type of happy, like an elated feeling, and there is none of that.
I have to say M is learning to talk to me and I to him. I think we have had some amazing communication barriers broken in the past 2 days than our whole 13 years of marriage.
Probably because we both think I want to die. But really choosing joy in this helps me not go there with M. Examples of go there:
- calling him names (stupid, asshole, whore)
- thinking about calling him names
- wishing hell upon him or anyone else
- being so angry anyone could feel it
And the joy I’m choosing I really just try and see what God wants me to do today. I’ve studied the Old and New testaments, I want to say at least 50+ bible studies, and the knowledge I have in my faith has never pointed me in a direction of darkness. But it doesn’t always have a joy-filled get up and dance feeling either.
God never points me in a direction of hate, destruction, or death, and for that I am grateful for a place to go for direction. Although I don’t always listen.
Well time to get my breakfast on, read my Bible a bit, journal well try, I bought one for $2 at B & N called “Trusting Jesus’s Peace”. I am amazed at the prices of journals sometimes.
Seriously I’ll charge $10 to buy a spiral notebook that come along with 5 sharpies and market it as a journal you can design yourself and make $5 profit at least. 🙂 It wouldn’t work as well as the 14.99 + journals because the spiral notebook isn’t as pretty, but whatever 🙂 Aesthetics.. I’m not paying for it.
Here’s to learning about my joy and peace. I’m finally seeing to understand it and those two things have so much to do with M. Because as I want to keep this marriage together. So much of me doesn’t.
I don’t ever feel the need to put his needs above mine anymore. I love to do special things for him, I love to do that for so many others as well. That does not mean I love him any more or less. I don’t ever feel the need to want to understand him, or care what he’s doing. He could be secret emailing S for all I care, or telling the truth.
I really don’t care. I never cared that he fucked her. I care more that he lied about it and let her lie to me. Because I never wanted to be married and this just sealed the deal on how I felt about M. I loved him beyond measure so much to change myself for God, for him, for this marriage. So many knew I wasn’t the marrying, family girl type, but I loved and tried HARD.
So do I think being married to M is a waste of my time. You bet. But are my kids hell to the no. Will I be better off being without M? So far yet only time will tell, but I’d rather keep my family together for right now.
Choosing peace has so much to do with me and how I view things. M’s worldview is quite fascinating and so much different than mine. Understanding him more will only do me justice in the end because a few of my children are just like him.
M had grand plans to do new things with me. Cooking classes, I don’t know what other crap he planned because I mentally blocked them out they were fucking ridiculous as if I wanted to even breathe the same air as him.
I still don’t want to do those things but the peace I have with him, only brings me to find the peace I have within myself.
And those awful thoughts? They still haunt me, but they seem to be losing their power, especially in the morning.
That’s a great thing I’m finding.. but it’s only day 3..