Day 4 Choosing joy after the affair: Bacon, Eggs, and Strawberry Jam is a fruit this morning

Morning came with ugly thoughts. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I type these words as I stare at the blender pitcher full of the flowers dying that he bought me. They were insanely ugly to me, but I appreciated the thought. Our girls liked them.

As I was putting the girls to bed last night we talked about feelings  and Emiy said “Well Daddy doesn’t care about your feelings that’s why we were going to leave”, and I told the girls “Yes that’s true Daddy didn’t care about my feelings for a long time, but now he says he does”. I tried to focus the attention on the story I was going to tell them and told them we were leaving soon. And Belbee says now? are we leaving right now?

Dammit I feel I have scarred these kids for life. I mean I”m sure I already have but in the sense when I say we are leaving. Belbee automatically assumes we are leaving her father right now. Oh how I wish I could.

So back to the joy it’s our last full day in OKC and we are having bacon, eggs, homemade sour cream biscuits (I made yesterday) with butter and strawberry jam.

I love a breakfast like this and I definitely know I put way too much emphasis on comfort food in this house and will re-direct my focus this year for homeschooling and my life.

I told M I loved him this morning but I didn’t mean it. I hate when I say it and don’t mean it because it’s just what I’m used to doing. What I meant was thank you for providing for us. Thank you for waking up early and providing for us, but I love you came out. I hate when that happens it confuses M and then I don’t know how to correct it.

I wonder about missing my husband and how I am going to move past that pain and deal with the man in front of me that was fine hurting me. Some might even wonder why I miss that man at all, or that marriage even. I guess I felt we were working on becoming better, turns out I was the only one. So why would I want to miss husband when clearly he never was on board in the first place?

It took him an affair to realize he was a selfish-jerk? Seriously it pains me to type that, but I’ve told him for years. No avail. I mean I never would say he’s a selfish jerk, but I would point out his double standards, his lack of reasoning and it never made a difference. So why would I miss that guy?

I suppose because I believed in that guy, I loved that guy beyond reason and thought he would fight for us, see me and all the work we’ve built together.

But now I have this guy and I don’t believe in him, I don’t love him (as a wife), and I regret ever knowing his sad self.

Well here’s to me blasting the music and getting this place cleaned. Squish is up and it sounds like she awoke in the same mental stae as her mother. A bowl full of crazy 🙂

 

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