Evening Day 3..

I emailed S today.

I know, but it was important.

I wanted to know when she chose not to become my friend anymore.

But in the email I even said it didn’t matter because best friends don’t pull the kind of shit she did. She was never my best friend and so many saw that after this came down. All of her crazy crying and dumb emails just proves it. I’m just a sucker and last to the party AGAIN.

I thought I had a best friend for 9 years turns out that statement is false. There was no best friend in that statement. S didn’t really love me or care for me. She didn’t let me into her life I just filed her gap for attention.

I hate that I was played like that. I’m an awesome person I could have watered a real friendship for 9 years instead of building a sick, twisted, relationship with S. But I didn’t know and I chose that she was good more than evil.

Well now I know. I didn’t create a covenant under God with S or beautiful children. That misery I chose myself and married M. So he gets a bigger grace card right now because my kids are amazing. I wish I never had them with M but they are and I wouldn’t want any other children knowing these kids already.

I cried today due to this post because I so resonated with it  Realizing Your A Selfish-Bastard. Because I identified with the wife.  I thought M was the winner in our marriage and I always let him know it. He had so many qualities I admired, yet he was super selfish even if he never thought he was. And now look at M and I want to say douche but I’ll use a worn-out self-absorbed man. Douche is so much shorter but for the sake of changing my attitude I will try and stop calling names 🙂

I did have a conversation with M today about how I’m going to go to battle in conflict with him, because I was right. I never knew him, he never gave me his heart, he just loved what he got from me and when it wasn’t enough.. well along came S and you either know the rest of the story or you can read it here Why the Hate . And I will not tolerate being ignored or not important ever again.

But that statement worries me. I wasn’t a battered woman I just tolerated M’s nonsense because I truly thought he would come around and find me important. He chose a different route now I’m important but I love you came too late and everything is a mess. I also loved him beyond measure and I thought he  loved me the same. Actions show louder than words and well he proved how much our history our relationship meant to him. Absolutely zero..

So where does that led me today? Well I don’t want to die, or rush off with the kids in the middle of the night, or file for divorce. I’m not sure that constitutes happiness, or contentment. But hey I don’t feel like breaking anything and M isn’t being emotionally or physically attacked so far so good.

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