Day 4: M’s what do you need..

Ugh.. I recently saw a post about stupid sayings..

I really am not trying to be too cool. You know since the masses love it I hate it kind of thing.. but I really despise Live, Laugh, Love crap.

How about Pain, Suffering, and Change.. or how about Compassion, Hate, and Growth.. those are more realistic..

Here’s the post that made me smile called Stupid Mug

I felt this way even before I found out M is a sad, sad, soul of a man. (see progress my first reaction was to write douche) I didn’t even type douche first..

As unhappy as I am M has asked me twice what do I need? Once again I find myself to be the asshole and I wonder if this is what a few of my pals talk about in taking every thought captive to Christ. I absolutely hate when they tell me that, or surrender.. because I absolutely suck at it.

My reaction to M in what do I need is picture the Incredibles where Helen stretches high above Bob and is yelling at him “This is Not about You!!” Yeah but I’d be yelling. I need to not have a husband who hurt me for no reason. I don’t care if our marriage lacked move the fuck on! But instead he chose to lie, fuck S, and purposely stab me in the back and let her too..

I know, I know.. Not Hate quit going back to the past.. but I can’t seem to grasp the lesson..

What does God want me to do right now? Ugh.. I wish I could care to hear from him.. I’m just irritated and trying not to flip the fuck out on M and the kids. To where I’m apologizing to everyone for being irrational and scaring the crap out of the kids the next day. To where even if I don’t want to be with M can I not just calm the fuck down and find some peace without making it worse between us?

I’m trying dear readers… FML..

I’m going to Marriage Restore here next Friday and I’m hanging on for some new information, for some hope for this stupid marriage. Lately there is a trend going around with a lady and a sharpied hand stating “Satan stand back God is In Control of Our Marriage”. And I’m all like

Go ahead and take it Satan I could give a fuck less.. could our relationship be any less of a relationship?

..hours later..

I was thinking as I did dishes do these bitches really think they have a choice? I thought I was following God, going to bible studies, marriage conferences, praying for M, and well look at who I’m married too..  I didn’t really get a choice in the matter did I..

Did you know men with religious preference statistics say are more likely to cheat? But then I thought about it maybe they are more prone to come clean due to religious conviction whether afterwards or during? Then again maybe not.. just a thought.

I guess I don’t really care just ramblings of a somewhat bitter-sweet housewife who can’t make up her mind whether she will become more bitter, sweet, or even want to be here at all.

The apt is cleaned M and I did a pretty good job together.

I did end up sort of flipping out. No name calling just told him exactly what I needed.  I didn’t want to deal with him or the kids or anybody. Then he proceeded to what seems to be self-righteous and say “Oh but you will blog and talk to your fake blogger friends”..

Once again if it was only acceptable to Hi-five M in the face with a chair..

I told him I like them a whole lot more than I like you and I don’t know what the attitude is for. You asked, I answered. I may not be able to have that right now with 4 kids running around, but that is what I want.

Then he said “I asked you what you need not what you want”

So I told him well that is what I think I need so there’s that.

Then he proceeded to go all withdrawal on me and say “Do you want me to just drop you off at home and not go to Kansas City?”

Then I tell him isn’t it you who wants to be in the moment. We are not talking about tomorrow we are working on today did I say I didn’t want to see your face? No, I didn’t so let’s not put ideas in my head, because I am trying right now. You might not think I am but the fact that I’m not breaking shit right now, or calling you names I think I’m making progress.

And with that we cleaned the apt. and I seem to be doing okay for now.

During his affair he drove from OKC to Wichita to have sex with her all night in her hotel room. She went to Wichita so see her grandbaby for the last time (closed adoption). I called her that night before he got there to see how it all went and how she felt. I hate my husband sometimes.. so much..

I’ll be driving the same route tomorrow with him, with all of our kids.  Maybe there’s a little of mind fuckery going on in my head about that too…

I hope the night will be okay and I don’t do something I regret in the morning..

Here’s to keeping my feelings civil and not turn into a fucking, raging, infidelity monster..




2 thoughts on “Day 4: M’s what do you need..

  1. Ahem. As though he has any right to be self-righteous and criticize your chosen way of venting and finding support?! REALLY?! Wow… just… WOW.

    In other happy news… thanks for linking to my blog! Yay! Glad you hate stupid sayings as much as I do.

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