Seems like Day 4 never ended.. Here I am day 5 like it or not

I did a bit of affair talk close to the end of 4 and beginning of 5.

I can’t even remember what I said. I do remember I did not say get the fuck away from me, or I am filing for divorce. So not sure that’s any better if I can’t even remember what I said.

I do know I wake up to actually thinking this isn’t my life. That I’m not married to him, I can’t be.. Oh I hate those moments where I’m talking to God and asking Him did this really happen? Oh yes, yes, it did.. FML!! FML!!

I lay in bed thinking Why is he still in my face? Because I let him.. remember we are on day 5? Why are we on a day again, why is this bitch still walking? Because you don’t want to go to prison. Damn consequences

I ask him this morning did he think there would be a second chance with me after he fucked her the first time. Once again M says the dumbest things because he says I never really ever thought about it.

M claims he’s stupid. When in reality he is actually quite smart. He just chose not to care, he felt unloved so fuck all the world. Boo-hoo for his ass.

Oh why am I trying to choose this damned family again. Would I be better off with another man? I have daydreams about a lover an honest one, but then I move to just daydreams of myself and not being around M at all.

Then a kid needs something.. Yeah when you have 4 kids you always have a 25% chance of someone under 18 bugging you. And I’m snapped back into reality.

We haven’t woke the babies up to leave because I really didn’t want to deal with them, but as I type this maybe their faces are what I need to see most right now.

I’m choosing joy for them, not the one who dropped me like I was nothing. He’s such a disappointment to be married too.

I would tell him, but I’ve told him before he already knows..

Seems like today is starting off bad already.. Road trip ready or not it’s happening..

s

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2 thoughts on “Seems like Day 4 never ended.. Here I am day 5 like it or not

  1. My husband said the same things–that he never thought he would lose me. He blocked the risk out. I guess that’s better than him realizing and saying “if I sleep with Bat Shit then I might wreck my marriage–okay, let’s do it.” I went through a long period where I struggled to accept that he took that first step into an affair. I felt like I could get over everything but that. My therapist asked me about nine months in if I had accepted that this had happened to me. I wanted to say, “yes, of course–look at my f-ing life.” But I knew I was still waking up wishing it was a nightmare, hoping I was living in some kind of screwed up parallel universe. It’s all so chaotic surviving an affair.

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