I did a bit of affair talk close to the end of 4 and beginning of 5.
I can’t even remember what I said. I do remember I did not say get the fuck away from me, or I am filing for divorce. So not sure that’s any better if I can’t even remember what I said.
I do know I wake up to actually thinking this isn’t my life. That I’m not married to him, I can’t be.. Oh I hate those moments where I’m talking to God and asking Him did this really happen? Oh yes, yes, it did.. FML!! FML!!
I lay in bed thinking Why is he still in my face? Because I let him.. remember we are on day 5? Why are we on a day again, why is this bitch still walking? Because you don’t want to go to prison. Damn consequences
I ask him this morning did he think there would be a second chance with me after he fucked her the first time. Once again M says the dumbest things because he says I never really ever thought about it.
M claims he’s stupid. When in reality he is actually quite smart. He just chose not to care, he felt unloved so fuck all the world. Boo-hoo for his ass.
Oh why am I trying to choose this damned family again. Would I be better off with another man? I have daydreams about a lover an honest one, but then I move to just daydreams of myself and not being around M at all.
Then a kid needs something.. Yeah when you have 4 kids you always have a 25% chance of someone under 18 bugging you. And I’m snapped back into reality.
We haven’t woke the babies up to leave because I really didn’t want to deal with them, but as I type this maybe their faces are what I need to see most right now.
I’m choosing joy for them, not the one who dropped me like I was nothing. He’s such a disappointment to be married too.
I would tell him, but I’ve told him before he already knows..
Seems like today is starting off bad already.. Road trip ready or not it’s happening..