Envy

So many were envious of M and I’s relationship. I see the look on people’s eyes now.

Yeah loving couple of 4 gorgeous, polite kids who are smiling and laughing. Who are visiting at a table eating breakfast and I see it.

I always saw it, how people wished they had what we had.

Because honestly I am awesome, and the kids pretty awesome most times, and Squish usually seals the deal if anyone has any doubts that our family doesn’t rock.

But here’s the thing our marriage is broken and M chose to do that.

Why would I give him this back, why would I let others think he’s such a great husband and father?

Why?

Most definitely for the kids. But is there any part for me, because I want no part in carrying on this family life and letting him look good ever.

Not that I did it on purpose it’s just what happened. So many wanted to be us, M helping out in youth with me and our whole family making the concerts.

Now, I really want to make sure no one looks at us and thinks we are happy. but I can’t seem to do it without disrupting the children.

They love laughing and smiling, and let’s face it so do I. I just wish it wasn’t with him. I wish the kids hated him as much as I do. They never will. I have to accept that.

I want him to take his stupid sorry love and bless another lying, cheating, tramp.

Yeah today is another bad day. He’s upset that the blogs don’t help, because I read Isle’s blog today and it just pissed me off. Not because he’s a cheater and felt bad about breaking up with Scarlet. He has his feelings and so does M.

What pisses me off most is where does M get off thinking he had a choice to love another woman and still keep his family. Because I would have preferred he left me, but that obviously wasn’t happening he loved to be seen as M family man, husband and Dad. And that M had a hard time separating from a lying, cheating, douche of a mother and wife.

Fuck him..

Oh today is going to be rough, not looking at him and wanting to be physically or emotionally abusive.

So I will just take our kids swimming, read my Bible verses, and wait until this day ends and not speak to him hatefully.

It’s so hard I can’t hurt him so I want to hurt myself.

No one envies a cheating husband. No one envies a cheater I don’t care how in love they are.

No one ever say’s Oh I’m so jealous I wish I became a lying prick and fuck a lying cheat as well.

We don’t need reasons as to why cheater’s are not envied. I hope 🙂

He wants his marriage and family back.

Why am I married to such an asshole? Why am I still here? and I go back to boy crying.

I wonder if the kids would be less stressed if we separated again.. but alas what’t the use separating for 6 days and then going to a Marriage Restore conference and screw with the kid’s heads some more.

I want M to hurt so bad, but honestly I think he doesn’t feel anything for S anymore he has that fucking psychoticness about him where he just shuts things off. How he got himself into an affair and how he’s got over the affair just the same

He shuts it off. Which works for him, but not for me. He loses both ways. If he still missed S and loved her I wouldn’t care or feel a damn thing get lost loser . He doesn’t miss S and says he’s over her I’m still mad at him because he’s able to just move on and not care about her anymore.

The same way he bedded her. To just not care about me.

I married a terrible husband, and I so bad want him out of my life. He chose a deal-breaker for me.

What a liar I have for a husband, a fake, phony, fraud..

See progress no cuss words needed. I am coming back, but to who and to what am I becoming?

 

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Envy

  1. Paul had a phase like M. Also like isle of a man. Didn’t last that long but I still wonder if it was too long to ever get past. It’s disgusting not to abhor themselves *and* the other woman. It really is. It says he doesn’t have your back, because if he did he’d hate anyone who hurt you (yep, even himself!). It’s so obvious that that guy stayed to get the credit for staying, and to conceal from everyone else. Couldn’t own up.

    I didn’t keep Paul’s secret and I think that was better for him in the end. He had to face it that most people know. He’s told ME we have to tell our kids one day…get this “so they don’t make the same mistakes or pick partners who have the same flaw”. I’m glad he said that because I would have told them anyway for exactly that reason.

    The saddest part is nothing to do with me or the betrayal. The saddest part is that it’s probably too late for the kids to be undamaged. The last thing I wanted was to pick a charmer like my dad. I wanted the opposite of my dad. And I still found myself with a charmer. Yep I managed to pick exactly what I was trying to avoid. Now how the fuck did that happen?

  2. Lord, Neph. I agree. I thought I had the opposite of my dad, too. Rog is fine with dad, but we both know what a loser he is. When I told him he was the same he was angry and denied it initially. But he knows he can’t deny that they both broke women who adored them. I couldn’t stand that. It would eat me alive. But he seems to be able to draw a line around it and forge on for the most part. He even said to me this morning that he knows I NEVER don’t think about it, but he works on the farm, driving past places he took her (in more ways than one!) and about one time every fifty times he passes those landmarks he briefly thinks about it. Men are fucking weird. I never want another one!

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