I’m back home now

Yup we are back and there is so much going out than coming in. I am getting rid of so much stuff. I cannot wait. I’ve been thinking about having a pay-what-you-can garage sale.

Being home caused me much grief last night. Sometimes I hate being in this house. It’s such a reminder of M and I’s relationship and what it is now.

Then the fury comes back without any regard for humanity. I want to torch this place if I could, but alas.. I cannot

Marriage Restore is coming up, we had to talk with them before the weekend. The team leaders and my wonderful, most beautiful SIL and BIL are watching our blessings for the weekend. I wonder what it will be like? We will listen to speakers and do homework and afterwards the homework will last for 1 month. We also will be in contact with our leaders for that month as well..

Good grief and I really thought I could go shopping online for apartments for M after the weekend. Which is silly I’m not sure why I spend so much time figuring out how to get M out of my life rather than just accept it.

Accept he will be in my life FOREVER!! Until I die or he dies. I bet he dies first. I always was one of those women who wanted their husband’s to die before them because living without them would be pure hell. Not I’m not one of them ladies at all.

Whether I am married to him or not. So while I am married to him might as well quit wasting time trying to get rid of him and get my life in order. Get what I want to do in order. Take care of me.

Although it’s so strange because when I think about myself and getting stronger I just want to say Fuck you M!! Because I don’t include him in my plans. I want him far far FAR away from me! But that is no good for me or the kids seriously I like getting laid. It’s nice having a fuck buddy who is constantly checking on you..

Am I using M? Maybe? I don’t know. I know I don’t want to be his wife and that gets me nowhere. I know we have kids to raise, budgets to do, medical bills to pay, a house to fix, homeschooling, and well getting out of this marriage is not a huge priority even if it is something I want.

Because divorce is expensive and I’d rather use that money on other things. Also a live in babysitter, helper housecleaner, fuck buddy, supposedly nice guy who is trying to be my friend, gives the kids a bath, puts the kids to bed, dinner maker.. is nice to have around.

Am I milking this?? Some would say so, but I don’t think I am. M is funny sometimes he forgets what he’s done. I feel bad for him that I have to remind him.

He wants forgiveness, he wants me to trust him, he wants me to WANT to be Mrs. Nothate

I clearly state he was a backstabber for 28 months people and he thinks 4 months makes a dam difference to me.. I didn’t say it that way.

It’s like a person getting out of prison and expecting the same treatment as someone who never went.  Madness..

We made a list for the house together, cleaned house, tackled the budget, and figured out our plans for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, plans for the basement and how to go about cleaning it. All of this together without a fight.

Life for us has changed, not for the better just different.

Here’s to goals, checklists, and figuring out what I want in life without becoming a selfish monster in the process ❤ ❤

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One thought on “I’m back home now

  1. Wow. I don’t think you’re selfish at all. If people don’t understand your pain, that’s on them. It’s like you’ve been stabbed in the gut, left bleeding on the floor, and now people are asking YOU how you plan to sew up the wound, clean up the carpet stains. Oh, and the stabbed is sitting on his hands looking hurt, hoping there are no consequences for him.

    I’m on Team HowNot. I think you have every right to protect yourself and get out of there. Listen to your gut.

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