This whole being aware of how I can become a complete douchebag in life because of what’s happened to me has worked out.
Day 12 is here and any sort of flipping out on M has been unnecessary.
Last night I cooked, did dishes, chores, played with kids, and felt complete. I told M last night I feel like I’m at a
Lull: noun. 1. a temporary interval of quiet or lack of activity
Because I feel quiet. Swam with Rizzo again the woman calls me almost everyday. She says we can call it our Abuser Anonymous talks.
Before I go on I would like to explain a few things
1. I love you all.. seriously.. I always mean to reply to comments and I’m so thankful for them. Sometimes I think I must have written something wrong to convey something I didn’t mean. And then I’m not sure how to respond, and then a comment becomes like my laundry room. Avoided because I’m stuck in overwhelming thought about how to tackle it. I want to address the comment with love. concern, and remorse because I’m sure I conveyed something wrong so I get 1/2 way through a reply and can’t finish because of kids, housework, myself.. and then I forget what I was going to say.. and then days later..
2. Rizzo’s is 39+ years in marriage, and Frenchie are 25+ these women are amazing Christ-following mentors and are not swaying me one way or another. They both know what they would prefer me to do 🙂 They love M and I and have invested so much time into our marriage and by invest I mean dinners, conversations, and getting to know us, our beautiful children and grow with us in Christ. They are not pushy about me forgiving M I promise 🙂
Thanks for always having my back infidelity peeps <3… I definitely know who’s got my back and I sure do appreciate it!!
3. I promise Christianity has nothing to do with me staying with M or even how I’m viewing the decision to stay with him. Because I’m not a big fan of the word anyway due to historical reasons. I prefer Christ-follower because I would love to follow Christ but I don’t believe I’m very good at it. Actually I feel like a huge stumbling block, but I think that keeps me humble because so many of my church family disagree. I used to be a big porn fan and I never stopped due to religion. I stopped because I felt the Holy Spirit’s conviction on my life about it. Which is due to my personal relationship with Christ and what goes on in my heart and soul. I also have been convicted that M is the husband for me and loves me dearly now even if M clearly has honesty issues. I know said conviction, does that mean I want to listen?
Hell to the no it doesn’t
Does that mean I should have some compassion for M? Probably but I don’t right now 🙂 I blog about my conviction, but most of my blog is about me not listening to my conviction because I’m pissed, or just plain don’t care.
Which leads me to my Lull..
I tried testing myself this morning about the whole affair, M and S thing, and it did bring a bad taste in my mouth and I promise it wasn’t just morning breathe 🙂 (I know I should stop testing myself it never gets me anywhere.. but I still want to see.. )
I wanted to curse and say fuck this I’m getting out of bed, but then I thought moving on from their stupidness doesn’t even deserve the passion I have when I use profanity..
So I kissed Squish and laughed. Because she was crawling all over me and I get out of bed. Smile at her and thank God for her Squishy presence and I get ready to meet a pal that is moving away from me.
I have so much awesomeness going on in my life I really don’t have time to bother with M, S, or their stupidness.. I am excited when I wake up to a laundry room full of clothes, dishes, kids, job possibilities, homeschooling..
M never ran my life, but I loved him so much that he used up so much of my thoughts pre-affair and after..
Let me tell you peeps that shit is not happening any more 🙂
I am really taking care of myself. Trying new ways to incorporate vegetables in me and kids diets. Nothing special just bought veggie trays on sale and they are loving them little individual portion ones. the are so cute! And they were on sale for .99 and the kids LOVE them. Drinking water.
Anyways I can only imagine my Lull will not last very long before another storm hits. M is looking forward to Marriage Restore. I am dreading it. Everytime we have gone out alone, done a bible study together (Torn Asunder) since this nightmare started it has not ended well for me. M is just happy to be with me which his optimism makes me ill sometimes. And the bible study he wanted to continue because he was realizing that we didn’t have a bad marriage and we were pretty awesome. I hated that dumb study..
I hated seeing how we were doing alright and then he decided to be stupid.
So one more day until I find myself in a room full of other marriages in crisis. I’m sure I’ll encounter lots of smiles and enjoy myself. Which I know right now is going to be a lie.. but who knows it might actually restore something between us.
Only that 4 letter T word will tell..