Day 13: Some hope, but I’m not telling him

1. Because M is optimistic enough about his messed up relationship about his wife, a little too optimistic I think

So I went to our youth group sponsor meeting without M, I wasn’t sure I was going to help out this year. We’ve helped out for years and due to this whole nonsense in my life I’ve  unfortunately turned down being in my best friends wedding. I got out of the psych ward and was supposed to order the dress that day.

Didn’t happen so I am now responding to things positive in my life and made sure they happened. Before affair I planned on helping out with youth and I’m going to help out with youth after D-day. If I absolutely hate it I can cancel it at that time.

I get home and I’m angry. I would love to say I know why, I just want a divorce. I want out of this stupid marriage. I’m hurting and just want My life back, I don’t care what that is, but I just didn’t want to be in my house either.

So I’m in my driveway and I get my phone out. Call Rizzo.. no answer Call Frenchie no answer… then I call (this is a new name to the list) Worship Queen. She is M’s band leader, happily married, and wants our marriage to work too. Worship Queen and I have a love/dislike relationship. We get close and then she says something that I find spiritually off and I keep my distance.

She keeps her distance due to me being distant and well I called her. She was encouraging and we talked what seemed like forever. I appreciate her, she was one I confided in during Women’s Encounter the same day I get the call from S lying to me that she was sexting M which led to the incident.

I have missed Worship Queen. So I do end up walking in my house not wanting to do anymore damage to my home, myself, or M. All good things.

The girls were all sleeping and M and I talked. We talked about why he would want to be with me. After all I have asked him if I were sleeping with his best friend, would he want to be jamming guitars with him? M said No.

So please tell me why I’m the exception? If you can do these things to me and you wouldn’t want them done to you, why do you want to be with me? Obviously you know that the scenario is wrong, you think more highly of yourself than me, what is it that makes you feel you need to be with me?

He texted and FB’d S more than he’s probably talked to me in our whole marriage. He admitted that last night. Yes, I truly want to give myself a round of applause for not breaking my dam table. But honestly I didn’t feel angry about it. I truly don’t care that much anymore when we talk.

I can visit things about his affair and just be like okay whatever.

Last night’s talk was LONG, but we connected talking about the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life and never expecting it to come from him. How he feels loss and misses us. How he understands if we get a divorce.

Poor M, I look at him and as we speak about divorce. I think he truly gets it now, that it is more likely than not, going to happen. His eyes get glossy and sad. I am happy that his optimism is not delusion, but more of hope. He has told me numerous times how he gets so sad thinking we won’t be together anymore, I won’t be in his life anymore. I haven’t believed him, I suppose I’m starting to.

He wants all of this so badly to go away, to cling to hope, to restore this relationship. I felt last night he understood where I was coming from. We understood each other. There was no delusions, no misunderstandings about where each of us were at, or how we felt.

We laughed sitting on our kids picnic bench talking about the stars.

He says he misses our connection, the fun we used to have, that I want to have sex with him to be close to him.

I feel so sad for M. I hate to put a measure on pain, but he’s caused himself and the ones who love him immense grief, the worst he’s ever known.

I wonder if it makes me a sick person to be happy he’s getting his up and coming’s!

But it also makes me sad.. so sad for him what a life to lead.

Anyways last night M and I connected for a brief moment on a human level for me. Not as  husband and wife just people expressing their grief and struggles. We held hands as we fell asleep.

At that moment there was peace in the chaos among us..

1 more day to Marriage Restore..

 

 

 

 

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5 thoughts on “Day 13: Some hope, but I’m not telling him

  1. I smiled reading about you laughing with M. I cannot even remember the last time I smiled with my husband. I feel like I’m destined to be miserable for the rest of my life. Take it as an encouraging sign that you can laugh with M despite his completely selfish fucked-up actions. One little step at a time. xo

  2. I have heard great things about marriage restore. Here’s something crazy, I actually tried to talk my wife into going to the one that is this weekend as well. Ironic, coincidence, I don’t know. Either way, I wish you luck, and hope it goes great! FYI, my wife did not want to go and will not go and therefore I will not go.

    • Awww.. man I wish she would have taken that step with you! Even if I don’t have high hopes of my marriage making it I think it does me, my relationship with M and my family a disservice not to at least look at more information and see what help is out there.
      I have always been this way. M never, he would always gripe and say its unnecessary.. now look who’s wanting more information now? Silly M.. always learning the hard way 😦

      • I agree. I don’t want to end in divorce, but I figure it might. So, I might as well put out all the effort I can, do all I can, say all I can so at the end – I can’t be told I didn’t do enough, I didn’t do often enough, I didn’t do long enough.
        Seriously – good luck this weekend. I am excited to hear all about it!

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