Cleaning and Removing..

I just wanted to point out I think my toilet will need two more scrubbings to look like it was pre-affair…

Yeah your pal over here let things get way out of control.. I promise I wasn’t kidding about the Frat house post..

Things get worse they get better, then worse, worser, possibly better.. So thankful to you brokenjoan!

So many times you send me this message..

Somedays I prefer to lie down for a long time.. unfortunately and fortunately the Fab Four won’t let me do that.

So I’m decluttering like nobody’s business. After marriage restore M is going to take a week off and I’m hiring a wonderful highschooler to get rid of my daughter’s clothes.. Yes, all 3 are in excess and abundance and I am too sentimental and M is no help. If I want it we are keeping it.. Too bad I wanted fidelity in our marriage, but whatever I’m not even caring about that. Seriously what a waste of life to even think about his stupidness.

I don’t have a whole bunch of hate and unforgiveness towards M today. We actually have been texting alot even though that was his wonderful method to talk to S. I’m getting over that nonsense about us texting. I’m texting my husband, I’m not a lying cheater, it isn’t the same. Unfortunately I’m not getting the same M either which is a good thing and a bad thing. Because I adored the old M, I cannot stand the lying M, and this M the one I choose to look at now? Well it’s crazy but it just depends on the day.

Packing, getting the house ready to go to Marriage Restore and I kind of miss hating M. I know I need counseling I am going this Thursday! But I do I kind of had the I hate my husband thing down and today not so much. Last night really helped, I mean it just looked like he was listening and we connected on a wonderful level. I’m not saying I’m over hating him or that I know what the fuck I’m doing.

I do know I look forward to the days ahead. I had to get out of bed today with purpose because Squish got up at 3:45 and M started to get up with her and well you know he does work and stayed up with me until 12AM. So I got up with her and instead of sleeping in I made some coffee and got this house rocking!

Well off to go pick up the boy, but today is good which I look forward to either a crappy afternoon or tomorrow.. Just seems to work out that way. Love my life after infidelity always waiting for some kind of mind fuckery going on and sometimes it isn’t even my doing!

***hours later***

My SIL who is watching the kids this weekend calls and for some reason I feel the need to put my ego out there. To only show her the grim side of Nothate the one who only wants to get out from under M and divorce him sooner rather than later. I don’t tell her about my Holy Spirit conviction, or how M is a good Dad, and how I don’t mind having M marry someone else. blah blah blah.. we know the drill Nothate hates her husband and wants a divorce, but  there is another option isn’t there? There are a couple I can think of..

  1. Divorce immediately and just fly everything by the seat of our pants (which we all know divorce is not immediate
  2. Wait to see if we can reconcile
  3. Choose to reconcile and commit now
  4. wait and plan out divorce
  5. Stick it out until the kids move out and part ways

I feel weak this afternoon for even thinking about reconciling. Get home from running errands and see M. I am not thrilled to see him he can always tell. I tell him everything that happened today even the hope. I question myself if I am tense because I’m scared and parting ways with M I wonder how everything will go for our kids, lifestyle, and being single. I don’t want to stay married to him because I’m afraid I can’t make it on my own.

He says I don’t have to be on my own.

I smile and roll my eyes..

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One thought on “Cleaning and Removing..

  1. Thank you so much, but I am also grateful to have found a wonderful blog friend like you! You sound like a wonderful mom & I think you are much stronger than even you know yet, take it slow & do what’s best for you at this time, cause happy mamas, make happy kiddos! Give yourself & Squish a hug from Joan. Take care!

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