Wow.. it was intense.
Alot of writing and talking and well learning about how M and I feel.
Meeting and eating with other couples in whatever crisis they were in was somewhat comforting. I could watch the tears of others and many tears of my own were shed.
M and I grew together during MR and I enjoyed it.
Turns out we both want the same things which is true, that M is truly devoted to making this work, and how much I hurt and continue to feel pain and make it bigger by not dealing with it like my laundry room. I seem to contribute to my own pain by holding on to it, re-hashing it, adding to it. Marriage Restore did not tell me that I came up with that all my own.
I have always wanted to show grace to M, while also hi-fiving him with a chair. At MR I learned how I could show M grace, love my family and wait patiently to find the love of my life again through M, with M. I found joy, peace, and a reason to stay with M.
I still don’t have mad, passionate feelings towards him as a wife. However I’m choosing steps to make it so. I changed my FB profile to a combined profile and M feels that may ward off any other men wanting to bring up past make out sessions. Ha! I didn’t even think of that. I did it to remind me that I’m on board with reconciling with M. I don’t feel like it, but I’m on board.
Our family means so much to me. I swear it didn’t up until now, I took for granted being a SAHM, homeschooling, I dreaded being the woman I became. Now, I cling to it because I see my children’s faces of fear and anxiety. I see all the work I have put into our children and what our family has become. Not just because of me, but what God has blessed me with, healthy, beautiful, kind, compassionate children of Christ. This family has been such a blessing to me and I don’t get a chance to regret it. There are no time-machines (right now) to make this all go away. To let me see M and just walk away.
Yesterday was our first day home. MR sends home 90 days of homework and guess who initiated it? M.
All of this change and even loving words is so weird and wonderful. Yesterday the whole family went shopping all 6 of us and M did well. I thanked him for going with us, he thanked me for letting him go with me.
Ahhh.. sometimes M can make me choke back vomit and smile all at the same time
I suppose that is part of his charm.
I wish it didn’t come to this. He had to have almost lost what he had to appreciate me. To value the position he is in, and how God views him. But wishes don’t do me any good.. ever..
M revealed to me over the weekend how he would like to win the lottery. I was like you don’t even play. He said I know because you think it’s a waste of money I don’t play. Wow I never even knew M cared about money like that. So now we are coming up with business ventures we want to do with each other to become wealthier. Funny how infidelity has played a part in our fear of failure life model we were both stuck in. And how we both are not afraid of failing anymore.
Seriously nothing is as bad as this for me. I would rather be homeless than deal with this shit M and his affair bestowed upon me. But here I am and we are moving on
Now we are going on almost 5 months and well, good grief Squish is getting older, Emily’s birthday is coming up and so many more activities to come.
Getting new carpet for the basement.
Getting this place ready for more company to open up our home to our teens at youth, to our church family, and to new people we meet for meals and get-togethers.
I am excited and scared for all that is to come. Not fear of failure, but that I can’t reconcile, my heart will be hardened forever towards M, that my children and I will be plagued with stupidness forever. M says that’s Satan and tell that bitch to move on. Funny M.
Anyways a shout out today to Glasses who rescued me from possibly washing dishes at a restaurant in town. I took Belbee out for breakfast and left my wallet.
It was good to see her and visit. My life seems to be recovering dear friends.
The love I lost is not recovering, but I have hope maybe I will find it again with M, I also know the hope and joy I feel for this family, and it’s worth fighting for. I can feel that with all my soul I love all 4 of my kids and M under one roof.
Oh.. one more thing. M realized he has not worked diligently on our relationship our whole marriage and is willing to wait for me. To wait for me to fall back in love with him, and while he waits will work diligently on our relationship, hope, pray, and love on me.
Wow.. so much of me wants to believe him.. maybe one day