Therapy, and disappointment (disclaimer longest post ever)

I adore my therapist..

He’s actually pretty cool. The disappointment is myself, and what I do during therapy.

Today we talked probably what I feel too much about M and his dumb behavior. I should say previous, because really he isn’t a HUGE asshole anymore.

However I’m so pissed I allowed myself to tolerate being with an asshole for 14 years. I knew I wasn’t appreciated to my full ability and others thought I was amazing. M always would say those people don’t live with you. And I would take that bullshit and run with it.

Knowing full and well. I am no angel people. I’m not. Sometimes borderline suicidal and depressed. Well no wonder why I was an honest human living with a fraud of a husband. I thought he loved me beyond measure. I thought his love for me definitely outweighed my love for him.

My judgment was clouded due to my love and belief in him.

I thought WRONG..

And I worry my children will do the same. Put up with that bullshit, have every instinct and know they aren’t being appreciated and lie to themselves and say “Well my spouse says I’m the problem and they are super smart and I love them so let’s work on me, because I can’t change them”.

Oh fuck that people. You sure can change someone when it comes to you saying get the fuck out of my life. Let me tell you M has changed in fucking 5 months like Flash

from being a complete asshat for 14 years to a man I would actually want to be married too and I didn’t even say it on my own accord. M brought all his change on for himself by being a complete dumbass.

It’s crazy our homework from MR had to be the dumbest question I had ever heard in my case anyway. It went like describe a time in history you would go back to being with your spouse and how does that make you feel..

Oh dear Betrayed.. I hope you are laughing with me.. because you know what most all BS’s want. To fucking change history! Viva La Fuck them Bitches Up!! Am I right??

Hell yeah my first instinct is to go back in time to that New Year’s party the one they decided to play footsie at and get a bat and fuck them bitches up. Yup they hadn’t even fucked yet.. but all my gifts to his AP, conversations, friendship, marriage, would have been done there.

But alas.. since I read ahead and talked to my therapist about said question. I was a bit more calm when I had to answer tonight.

I brought up Budapest we were there in the fall. It’s beautiful. I thought the possibilities for us were endless. Then I told M I felt disappointed and wanted to tell my younger self what a liar she was with. To fight harder when she felt unappreciated and to fuck his ass up. Do not let love be an excuse to not be who you are. I know you think he is a better person than you but he isn’t. He is a wolf in sheep’s clothing let him know. Make his life hard and watch him run from you and darling you will be the better for it, because the man you are with is a coward!

But alas doesn’t do anything for me to dwell what I would tell beautiful 20 yr old Nothate. She is now 34 soon to be 35 and well folks I am learning.

I talked with the therapist and I am making progress on my life and his. We talked about children’s unconditional love and how even if I was selling my children they would still love me and I have 4 (which seems like a million) so I have a million children with unconditional love right at my fingertips (remember I homeschool) all day everyday to learn from.

I told therapist that I wish I could muster just a fraction probably less than that of how they love to M. Maybe I wouldn’t be such a raving lunatic sometimes, or hate M so much. Or could extend grace get over this nonsense in my head.

But once again I’m a slow learner and therapist reminds me of Pavlov’s theory with the dogs and how if I got bit by a dog (not calling M one) that I would have a fear of dogs to some degree.

After I leave therapist I ponder the thought of me fearing M. And my conv. with myself begins I’ll use SN (Strong Nothate) and RN (Rational Nothate)

SN: What the fuck should I be in fear of from M?

RN: Well there’s the wasting time with him and he may do this again.

SN: Fuck him!! We aren’t afraid of him what can he do to us (yup sometimes when I talk to myself I call me us) that he hasn’t done. Fuck him we will not fear his dumb ass. Whatever he can dish out, we can take, we are strong look at us!!

RN: Ok good point. I agree being fearful of him and his decisions is STUPID

RN: So why am I afraid of him again?

SN: We aren’t motherfucker!! We are capable, strong, and bold. This situation proves it God is with us. M can do nothing to us. He cannot waste our time. We let that shit happen. P.S. He never wasted our time look at us amazing, faithful, fucking brilliant even being married to his dumbass for 14 years.. He wasted his own life being stupid he didn’t waste ours!

RN: Good point. I will agree so if we don’t fear his bite again what do we fear?

SN: We fear nothing!

RN: Okay so what’s our beef with M now?

SN: Right now nothing he’s been fucking amazing lately. Everything we ever wanted from him. All on a platter have you noticed? I have.

RN: Yeah it pisses me off he’s so nice now, after he completely took us for granted and broke our heart!

SN: Fuck you my heart isn’t broken! Mine works just fine and to be honest is a bit more confident and thankful for the Lord’s faithfulness. See how much we rock even amongst this bullshit! And you wanted to go and kill yourself. Silly girl..

RN: Yeah yeah sorry about that.. that was stupid.. so if we loved M and were still awesome all on our own when he was a lying, douchebag coward yet still are amazing and have come out better than ever. Point taken I am a WAY better person than I was 14 years ago. How much better can we be with a non-douchebag husband? One who appreciates our every move and cares for us completely because he knows what he has now.

SN: We can probably rule the fucking world without M’s asshat self holding us back with self-doubt and fuckupedness!!

RN: Coud you slow down a bit how about get our homeschool and home in order and then we can branch out?

SN: Just saying skies the limit now!

RN: Well what if he’s lying? What if this is all some sort of ruse? What if we love him again only to be played the fool?

SN: Who the fuck cares? He fucking adores the ground we walk on right now. Our home is more peaceful. You keep fucking things up with your fear and What-if’s Breaking bricks over hate and stupidness.. let us ride this ride! Quit being such a sissy!

RN: Fuck you.. I’m not a sissy.. I’m smart..

SN: Not smart enough to fucking realize that if we loved M when he was a complete douchebag, that we can love M when he isn’t being one.

RN: How can you forget about the lying, cheating, backstabbing what the fuck is wrong with you?

SN: Why do you keep bringing it up? I haven’t forgotten I’ve just chosen to know God’s got my back, our ass is covered. We don’t have to worry about M anymore, or ever in the sense of the power he has over us. He has none. If people thought we had a decent marriage before and M was a complete unhappy asshat think about how awesome this marriage can be when M isn’t an asshat.

Think how awesome we can become with an actual encouraging partner rather than one that stifles our light? Seriously M was a fucking kill-joy. I saw it and I tried to fucking get you to wake up..

RN: I know I just thought he loved me more than himself. I thought he was right..

SN: Well he wasn’t and it’s time to fucking wake up from this madness. We have a fucking awesome partner that wakes up with the baby without resentment, helps us with homeschool rather than be the fucking worst principal/husband ever, wants to buy us stuff, is happy to go grocery shopping with all million + 1 of us.

RN: Yeah but look what we had to go through? Look what he did to us to get to this point to wake the fuck up! He’s warped in the brain!

SN: Yes we all are messed up, but hell through this you both have woken up. Seriously I don’t think I could have taken another 14 years with that asshole not loving us wholeheartedly. I knew it and I may have choked him in his sleep if it continued or done something worse. I am so glad you have woken up. Our self-worth fucking rocks now! Your fear of failure gone! I am a happy camper you won’t put up with his shit anymore. He knows it and keeps bettering himself.

RN: So are we over this then..

SN: I would like to say yes.. however you ate a whole pack of Ghiradelli milk chocolate chips so it may be the sugar talking..

RN: Possibly

And then I move on to other things.. Wow as I typed that I wonder if SN is the Holy Spirit because I know I’m not that gutsy. I’d like to think I am.

I want to give credit to the blogger who has used asshat so much that I decided to use the term because I liked it thanks Under and Over.

SN and RN brought up many awesome points for me. I’m glad I could share.

I really want a cake. So I’m going to put one in the oven and clean my kitchen.

I’m thinking I should ask M for forgiveness tomorrow for just being my cold-hearted self, to look at him see him in pain and still want to hit him, to watch his eyes tear up while he asks me “What can I do? Just tell me..” and I still want to hurt him.

He is being the man I always wanted. He is sharing his heart with me and even if mine is in hate. I am still sharing my heart as well.. It’s not all hate in my heart there’s also milk chocolate and coffee with cream and sugar in the raw.

Maybe one day we will be on the same page of peace and love together.

Come back to me Erin posted and I prayed for them immediately. It’s been a long time since I have sincerely opened my heart up to prayer. I think the last time was during this A Mom a wife and my messed up life post.

I need more time for prayer. I thoroughly enjoyed my time with God and the chocolate chips. 🙂 Lord knows I need it..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Therapy, and disappointment (disclaimer longest post ever)

  1. That right there was an amazing post. You rocked it. I think I could use SN in my head from time to time. And if it was the Holy Spirit, then, no wonder, right? Hugs.

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